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Lady Gaga

Courtesy of Marina Bay Sands

How much do you think it would cost to have Lady Gaga perform at my Sweet 16?
—M. Jackson, via the inbox

Well, my little monster, how monstrously large is your wallet?

The Lady may have an image built around misfits and the mistreated, but don't think she'll perform at a discount for you; party-planning angst does not count as a form of oppression.

As for an exact price quote, steel thyself...

For big names don't come for less than six figures. Minimum.

Gaga contemporary Rihanna, for example, reportedly worked a London engagement party for a South African heiress in May. Ri-Ri's reported fee: $400,000; the singer was choppered in from Paris and, in case you're wondering how many songs $400,000 will buy you, the answer is six.

As for Gaga, I reached out to her publicists, but no fee quote was immediately forthcoming. (Perhaps some people think that if you have to ask, you can't afford it.) However, I then found one Glenn Rosenblum, whose company, Celebrity Access Inc., books these kinds of events.

"You know what, stars do it all the time," Rosenblum dishes. "Whether they're on for 60 minutes or singing 'Happy Birthday,' it's gonna cost. Lady Gaga would probably be at least a million. I swear."

I'll pause for a second so that you might faint with optimum elegance; the Lady would want it that way.

Now, there is a reason behind this estimate; Rosenblum did not just pluck it out of the ether.

"Think of what she would be giving up from one night at a place like Staples, selling merchandise, etc.," he points out.

Be aware that this million-dollar estimate does not include transport—chopper, invisible jet, however Gaga likes to fly —five-star egg pod accommodation, and all the rest.