Ellen Degeneres

Michael Rozman/Warner Bros.

Dear Ted:
I have wondered for a long time now about Ellen DeGeneres and what appears to be her public persona. Is she the true Goody Two-shoes everyone thinks she is, or is there a dark side that she protects quietly? Just wondering if someone, in her perversion, can be such a purist, guardian angel and a perfect considerate human being? Know anything?

Dear Media Darling:
Not quite sure what you mean by that, but Elle ain't perfect (the horror!). However, it's true that she's a total sweetie in real life. Case in point: She rescued a dying kitty yesterday. Daily good deed? Check. She's like Oprah but without the self-promotion. Heart her. Even though like many comics, of course, she's got a dark side—it's just not as dark as many other comics I've met in this town.

 Dear Ted:
I got a message from a friend about Hugh Hefner passing. Is that true? Now I haven't been in touch with the "news" lately, but I must know.
—B. hood

Dear As I Lay Dying:
Another twitter death hoax in the world of 85-year-old Playboys. Gramps is still humping, I mean chugging, along.

Dear Ted:
It looks like Robert Pattinson's hair is thinning. He probably doesn't care and won't do anything about it because he would be happy that people stopped talking about his hair, but can he remain a leading man in Hollywood with less than a full head? There are action stars a plenty with shaved heads, but he's not into that genre. Personally, I think there are many hot dudes with no hair. So, what do you think?

Dear Bald Eagle:
Uh, his shmexy hair still looks like a Pantene commercial to me. Don't think he'll have to worry ‘bout plugs for a while. When he does worry, well, maybe Prince William will start a trend?

Dear Ted:
How did Kristen Stewart feel about Twyla Babe Sucker's, I mean Megan Fox's, fling with R.Pattz?

Dear Pattz Pilferer:
Oh, hon, you're wrong about Twyla, but I'm not telling how!

Dear Ted:
I read on here that someone took a few guesses as to what Rob's Vices are. You stated that if they had of stopped at two, you would have answered. So, if I stop at two will you answer for real? Because my guesses are (a) sexuality and (b) alcohol. So am I right? Because you insinuate the first all the time. And Rob is British; we all know they love their pubs! Can you please stop toying with us and just come on with it? Answer please.

Dear Twice Right:
Or twice wrong. Or maybe in between? Sorry, now I'm just torturing you. I answered, didn't I?

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