Happy Independence Day, dolls! Since it's the Fourth of July and we're feeling particularly patriotic, we decided to rummage around good old Washington, D.C. and update their dusty docs to better suit the needs of H'wood.
First up: the Constitution! But since we didn't have time to read the whole thing, we just decided to tackle the Preamble. Now, when this document was signed, sealed and delivered way back when, Twilight wasn't wreaking havoc...
So now, please recite with us:
We the People of the The Awful Truth, in order to form a more perfect Hollywood, do...
Establish Justice: This was definitely the year of the manskanks, with goddess-wrangling Charlie Sheen and governator turned baby daddy Arnold Schwarzenegger carrying on the dubious legacy of über-douches like Jesse James, Mel Gibson and Tiger Woods.
But as much as Charlie thought he was winning, justice was indeed served with these terrible two. Wizard-lovin' Charlie learned you can only call your boss a Nazi so many times before you're (probably) killed off your show in a blazing inferno, left to be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.
Insure Domestic Tranquility: While we've definitely seen our share of big-time Tinseltown couples call it quits lately with George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson and Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer all going the way of splitsville, one couple has stuck it out:
Of course, we're talking about robsten. Despite the bitchy internet rumors and cross-continental working sitches, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are still doing fine. And with their relaysh bound to heat up as they face the Breaking Dawn press tour, well, we can't think of anything more tranquil, can you?
Provide for the Common Defense: We totally heart our military men and women, of course, but we also love lusting over the hotties who play these folks on the big screen. Team Truth definitely can't resist a guy (or gal) in uniform, so it's oh-so-delish seeing stars like Alexander Skarsgård (who'll play a Navy man in Battleship) and Chris Evans (who gets his Army on in Captain America) suit up.
And obviously we can't forget about the ladies, what with Michelle Rodriguez leading her Air Force cohorts in Battle: LA. And well, it's not military, but those Bridesmaids babes kicked ass at the box office. So let's hear it for the ladies!
Cory Monteith and Dianna Agron used their Glee power to fight for LGBT rights with Di writing a hearty blog about acceptance, love and "liking girls" and with Cor appearing in a PSA for Straight but Not Narrow.
Secure the Blessings of Vicery: So we rewrote this one a wee bit. But what would Team Truth be without our infamous Blind Vice superstars—and you all know you love them too, don't lie!
While some of their dirt is downright disgusting (or just plain sad), we do heart our closeted hunks and their lesbolicious counterparts, the skankalicious slew of stars who can't keep it in their pants and all their naughty peers who sneak around the seedier parts of T-town.
So to ourselves and our posterity, we do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of Awful.
And that's a wrap. Hope you enjoyed your (sorta) history lesson—now get out there and watch the fireworks with someone special.