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Tupac Skakur, Natalie Portman, Kim Kardashian, Sean Bean, Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris

Ron Galella/WireImage.com; Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Kevin Winter/Tonight Show/Getty Images for The Tonight Show; HBO; Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Breaking it down for you, one piece of dire news at a time from our celebcentric world...

CHANGE OF PLANS: Crystal Harris skipped out on Hugh Hefner five days before their wedding, which was supposed to be today, so obviously there won't be a show about it, either. She later explained that it wasn't "the right thing" for her to do and that the split was "mutual." After watching the film, Hef was inspired and slapped a "Runaway Bride" sticker on the next issue of Playboy, featuring "Mrs. Crystal Hefner"...But not to fear, for the pajama'd one is never really alone. Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett, Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt all sent their love, supportive Playmates of all sorts turned out for movie night, and now it looks as if twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon are moving back in!

CUTTING EDGE: Last week a slip, this week a snip. Kim Kardashian trimmed her hair and you all thought it was a major big deal. (Trust us, even those of you who don't think you thought that did think it.) And it's not surprising to see her registered at Gearys of Beverly Hills, but tying the knot on Halloween? Trick-or-treat, indeed! Meanwhile, the Kardashian sisters got lucky in court, Khloé Kardashian Odom may be getting ready to exact some bachelorette party revenge on her sister and Kendall Jenner's after her own spotlight on the next Keeping Up With the Kardashians

P.S.: Taylor Momsen picked up the slip slack this week.

MAZEL TOV: Natalie Portman's most noticeable awards-season accessory blossomed into a bouncing baby boy! Congrats to her and fiancé Benjamin Millepied on the hatching of their Black Swan-inspired cygnet.

2PAC RESURRECTION: Tupac Shakur has been dead for 15 years, but that didn't stop a jailed murderer from coming forward and confessing to being in on shooting and robbing the rapper in 1994. Dexter Isaac claims music exec James Rosemond hired him to do the crime, but Rosemond's attorney fired back immediately, questioning why anyone would believe a "convicted psychotic killer" like Isaac.

RUN THROUGH: Game of Thrones mighty one Sean Bean was stabbed with a piece of glass after confronting a passerby who made a lewd comment about his girlfriend while the two were outside having a smoke in front of Camden's Hill Bar and Brasserie in London. He refused a trip to the hospital, because he's macho like that.

Anthony Weiner

Amy Sussman/Getty Images

HE TRIED: Anthony Weiner started the week by checking into treatment to battle his Internet issues, but ended it by resigning from his House post after 11 years in congress. And you know that whenever someone efs up, Howard 100 News is there. And, apparently, so is Gina Lee.

ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS: Paris Hilton and Cy Waits' epic love affair may be on the rocks because he isn't a big fan of her new show...Emma Watson rumored to be hooking up with her latest costar, Johnny Simmons...Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are heating up, so here's some info about his ex...Pippa Middleton and banker beau Alex Loudon have split up.

SETTING THE RECORD $TRAIGHT: Mildred Baena's rep attorney waffled on whether his client got paid for giving Hello her first Arnold Schwarzenegger Scandal interview.

CONDOLENCES: Kelly Osbourne had to put her beloved dog, Noodles, to sleep.

CLASS ACT: Jesse James is still planning to marry Kat Von D, but the tabloids can Lick His Balls...

MAKING AMENDS: Tracy Morgan, who somehow is closer to an EGOT now, met with youth at an LGBT homeless center in NYC, looking to prove he's not a nasty homophobe, as his comedy would make him sound.

IN TREATMENT: Estella Warren took the initiative to strap a SCRAM bracelet on and check into rehab before facing a judge on DUI charges.

OUCH: Bar Refaeli is nursing a broken arm...Tori Spelling blasts the paparazzi after running her car into a wall (don't worry, her SUV was much taller than the wall) at her kids' school...

MEAT BYPRODUCTS: Lady Gaga's meat dress has been installed at the Rock and Roll Fall of Fame in Cleveland...Kelsey Grammer says he didn't mean to send an email comparing Camille to beef jerky.

BODY POLITIC: LeAnn Rimes took to her blog because she needed more than 140 characters to discuss why the public needs to get over its obsession with how thin or not-thin certain people are, because that sort of scrutiny can be especially detrimental to people with eating disorders. Meanwhile, Miss Hanes Her Way also denies having a sextape with Dean Sheremet.

TEEN MAMA DRAMA: Amber Portwood was hospitalized after Gary Shirley called 911 and voiced fear that his ex was depressed and might kill herself, though her brother thinks it was her baby daddy who caused the despair. No one knows for sure the state Portwood was in, but the cops say she was uninjured when they showed up. She's out of the hospital now, and fellow Teen Moms are lending their support.

FEUDAL TIMES: This is probably the last time Chris Brown tries to help boost OFWGKTA's sales.

GRIST FOR THE MILL: Are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin looking to hire a highfallutin' language tutor for their kids?...Will Eva Longoria be godmother to Victoria Beckham's little girl?

Joss Stone

Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

LAW & DISORDER: Joss Stone, the target of a kidnap-and-murder plot? Scary, scary stuff. The duo accused of plotting the dastardly crime appeared in a British court, but have not entered a plea yet...Charlie Sheen is headed to arbitration against his will...Sam Lutfi is failing at the game of suing the Spears family...Check out John Edwards' mugshot...Nicolas Cage settles up with son Weston's mom...Two-time American Idol auditioner Jessica Candage busted...Ricki Lake sued by the owner of the house she was renting that burned down...New Jersey Housewives Teresa Giudice and Caroline Manzo sued for unladylike behavior...Gary Dourdan busted again.

AILING: Bruce Springsteen, Lady Gaga and more are sending their love to E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons, who's hospitalized in Florida after suffering a major stroke.

R.I.P.: Laura Ziskin, producer of Spider-Man, Pretty Woman and multiple award-ceremony telecasts, lost her battle with breast cancer at 61.

À LA MODE: Ashton Kutcher was Shirts and model Alessandra Ambrosio was Skins while shooting an ad for Brazilian clothing line Coicci in Ipanema...Beyoncé and some double-sided tape struck a striking pose her new fragrance, Pulse...Mariah Carey somehow manages to be more age-inappropriate than Dakota Fanning for Marc Jacobs' Lola with this ad for Lollipop Splash the Remix...What Marc Jacobs has done to Helena Bonham Carter really makes us want to shop...Vanessa Hudgens is ironing as fast as she can (obviously so she can put her clothes back on) in the new Candie's campaign...Tobey Maguire pontificates for Prada...Angelina Jolie goes au naturel for Louis Vuitton.

COVERAGE: Or lack thereof. Christina Aguilera is just about naked on the cover of W...Justin Timberlake opens up to Playboy about going to pot...Fergie shares food for thought with Allure...Cameron Diaz is lending Tag Heuer a hand, er, wrist...Emma Watson belies her age on the cover of Vogue.

SURREAL ESTATE: Candy Spelling unloaded her $150 million Holmby Hills mega-estate for an undisclosed sum to 22-year-old British heiress (eat your heart out, Paris) Petra Ecclestone...Check out the fruits of Courteney Cox's labor in Malibu...Bristol Palin's ordinary suburban home in a Phoenix suburb is for rent...America Ferrera has had to reduce the price on her Hollywood Hills home yet again.

SEEN: Angelina, Brad Pitt and their entire six-pack leaving a toy store while vacationing on Malta...Back on her own, Angie doing good at a refugee camp on the Turkey-Syria border in the city of Altanozu for Syrians who have fled the violence in their politically torn country...Gwyneth Paltrow thrilling the audience watching Glee Live! in Concert at the Izod Center in New Jersey...George Clooney going boating with the guys (guys who probably don't understand how lucky they are) on Lake Como...Britney popping into Tommy Hilfiger Prep World Pop Up House at the Grove in L.A. for some new cazh wear...Gerard Butler lamenting his love life at the Artists for Peace and Justice benefit in Beverly Hills...Andrew Garfield, Garrett Hedlund and Kate Mara going for a hot walk in Maui...Conan O'Brien making 'em laugh and think at Dartmouth's graduation ceremony...Fred Armisen advising Portland high school grads at commencement...Sean Penn dining with divorcée and fellow Haiti activist Garcelle Beauvais at Tower Bar in West Hollywood...James Franco getting honored at amFAR's Inspiration Gala at NYC's Museum of Modern Art...Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford taking kids Presley and Kaia to opening night of the now relatively well-received Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark...Ross Mathews adorably celebrating his 40-pound weight loss at a Jenny Craig event in Lincoln Center...Coco Cox-Arquette getting blue and purple streaks put in her hair in honor of her 7th birthday (and yes, mom knows)...Mr. and Mrs. Eddie Cibrian checking out the real-life Playboy Club at the Palms in Las Vegas...Nikki Reed and whodathunkit fiancé Paul McDonald (especially in these shorts) strolling around L.A....Ian Ziering showing off baby daughter MIA at the Britax Baby Buggy event in Sherman Oaks.