Dear Ted:
Why does Parrish McGuire have a girlfriend? Is she really all that? Or is this just publicity? I know you won't answer this because everyone knows who Parrish really is—but I dare you.
—Lady
Dear Miss McGuire:
Challenge accepted, sugar-puss. Yes, P. does have a girl friend. Note the grammar—cause that's all she is. Parr prefers naughty romps in public places but is willing to hang around with his kinda-cute companion when need be.
Dear Ted:
Has naughty famewhore She-Devil Dees gone and snagged herself another Blind Vicer?!! Hornius Thighs, Jerry Rock Butt—does the unmentionable costar of the latest BV already have a moniker, dear Ted? PS: Take care of yourself and your future. My grandma had emphysema and we lost her to lung cancer from smoking:(
—Tara
Dear Dee-cent Guess:
You're thinking right but your time line is off, love. Think of it this way: you have to get in the Vice vault before you can get into She-Devil's pants. So she's in luck that so many dudes have done both! So sorry about your granny, my condolences.
Dear Ted:
You haven't written anything on Fake a la Ferocity in a while, and I'm absolutely dying to know what's going on with her these days. Any chance you could fill us in? Thanks!
—A
Dear Uh...
She's not exactly busy living clean, I'll say that much, but, that has more to do with chemicals than sex, must say.
Dear Ted:
Back when I started reading you in Sept. of '09 I submitted my first Bitch-Back question ever about Twyla Babe-Sucker being Ashley Greene. To my amazement, I actually made it into the BB (squee!!) and you responded, "Come on, crumbcake, you know I can't just give that away". Well, in light of the recent sightings of her sucking face with hottie Jackson Rathbone, can you confirm that Ash is indeed the infamous Babe-Sucker who was torn between an on-again off-again relaysh and her studly co-star?
—H
Dear Suck On This:
Ash's relaysh with Jackson is new, relatively. The flirting may have always been there but they weren't one of the original (official) Twi couplings. Not by a long shot.
Dear Ted:
Got anything new on Kirkland Dogmatic and Teddy Big-Treat? I love that couple!
—Seth
Dear Puppy Love:
And they love each other. At least, that's the way it's starting to seem because they're getting way careless about whether they're seen together or not. How friggin' adorable is that? Ya know, to everyone but Kirk's PR folk.
Dear Ted:
Love all the attention the lesbians have been getting lately, especially Sheila Yabos and Sheila Horn.E. But do these two celebrities have anything in common other than their sexuality and one-half of a moniker? My puppies send their love!
—Alanah
Dear Interesting Try:
Not really.
Dear Ted:
Can you tell me how couples like Cruella and Marky Sweet-Puss get together? Is it a crafty plan put together by their respective PR agents? What happens from there—before we hear the love-at-first sight stories in gushing interviews? I'm astonished at how people who appear to have been brought up in "good" homes with strong values, like Cruella seems to have been, can just lie to people's faces like that. Surely Hollywood fame is not worth selling your soul for.
—Rachel
Dear Cruella Intentions:
Totally PR, in this case. Agents talk to managers who talk to publicists—that sort of thing. Then the two schedule meetings and get to know each other Vices and otherwise so that the tabloids think it's really. Totally romantic, right?! As for Ms. C in specific, please, she's been lying since her first trip to the plastic surgeon.
Dear Ted:
Is Chord Overstreet King Schlong? You mentioned in a recent Bitch Back his ego was big among other things...hmmm...was that a clue. Thanks for all the Vicey fun.
—Valerie
Dear Yuck:
No, think...less Gleeful.
Dear Ted:
I think I've got it, Taylor Lautner is King Schlong!
—Mary
Dear Double Yuck:
That's just wrong, Mary.