Well, straight from the Australian village of Thal, we have our answer.
COLLATERAL DAMAGE: He didn't save Cahliforniuh. Really, the most action-heroey thing that Arnold Schwarzenegger has done in seven years is cause a major explosion in his own home. We all heard the rumors that he was a dawg of the first order, but it turns out he's been mingling all the way, going so far as to father a child with his family's married housekeeper. And it's not like he and Maria Shriver were estranged at time of conception, because said child was born five days after his youngest son with Maria, who's currently exploring her options. Patty Baena's neighbors say he bought her house in Bakersfield for her and her brood, which also includes two kids from her first marriage. Why the sudden clarity? You've got to figure that his public admission of wrongdoing came only after the Los Angeles Times came at him with allegations and said, "We're running this, Mr. Schwarzenegger (or is he Mr. Governor forever now?), and would like to give you the opportunity to comment." Anyway, Jane Seymour, who claims to be in the know, suspects there may be more admissions to come. Hey, whatever puts off a fifth Terminator movie the longest.
TEENYBOPPERS: Good lord, country is strong! Lauren Alaina, 16, and Scotty McCreery, 17, will face off in next week's American Idol finale, meaning Haley Reinhart will be a lame duck when she somehow manages to steal the show on Tuesday. And, for the record, we never thought that Haley sported attitude onstage when the judges critiqued her. She probably just had whiplash from being told to be unique and then getting slammed for not singing something trite.
SHOCKING LOSS: Retired WWE superstar Randy "Macho Man" Savage was killed in a car crash after suffering a heart attack while driving. He was only 58, and his death left the wrestling word reeling. Check out a WWE highlight reel right here.
BALLROOM BLITZ: Kirstie Alley, Chelsea Kane and Hines Ward will compete for all the mirror-ball marbles on next week's Dancing With the Stars finale, and Ralph Macchio will just have to watch through the kitchen door as Johnny moves in on his girl (and Romeo moves in on Kirstie?!). But first, he had to defend Karina Smirnoff's honor after Bruno Tonioli more than doubled his latest entendre. And Kirstie's got a pretty good name for a new show.
FAREWELL, MY LOVELY: Oprah Winfrey taped her two-part send-off spectacular at Chicago's United Center, and it was a regular who's-who of the people she counts as confidantes and reliable guests, such as Maria "What a Trooper" Shriver, Tom Cruise, Madonna and Michael Jordan.
CHANGE OF SMART: Donald Trump realized he doesn't want to blow $100 million has a pretty great gig already as a real estate titan and reality-TV star, so he will not be running for president in 2012.
MOMMY DAMNDEST?: Did Sheena Upton really inject her 8-year-old with Botox before a beauty pageant? U.K. reporters say yes. But Upton says no, that she made it up after being offered $200 by London's Sun tabloid to front the story, then things got out of hand as she kept raking in more cash from other outlets that wanted the scoop (although ABC News is now refusing to pay). The Sun denies crafting a false story about Upton or her daughter.
GLASS HOUSES: A couple who scored a specially equipped house in Las Vegas for themselves and their purportedly ill children from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition came under investigation in Oregon for supposedly making their story up just to get a house—which they ultimately couldn't pay for, hence their move from Vegas to Oregon. The heat is off for the time being, with a judge ruling that the children should remain with their potentially shady parents, but the couple's lawyer is keeping a lookout for further fallout.
WILD HORSES: Pink wanted to know who the ef was using pink horses in a music video. Then she had to invest in sandbags to repel the flood of backlash headed her way once she realized the rosy-hued ponies were for a Selena Gomez video.
DUMBASS IN THE DARK: Apparently Lars Von Trier has never heard of John Galliano. The Dogma 95 filmmaker picked the wrong place—the Cannes Film Festival, of all places—and, not to mention, the wrong dimension to practice his Nazi-themed standup routine, and though he apologized, festival organizers banned the onetime Palme d'Or winner for being full of merd.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Kirk Cameron took none other than Stephen Hawking to task for perpetuating "absurd ideas" about there being no Heaven, a stance that obviously contradicts the Bible that Cameron knows and loves. Unsurprisingly, Hawking is too secure in his genius to sic his cerebral cortex on Mike Seaver.
TRAGIC: Jeff Conaway, star of Grease, Taxi and, unfortunately, Celebrity Rehab is in bad shape. The 60-year-old actor remains in a coma days after a drug overdose.
WEDDING BELLS: Track Palin, eldest child of Sarah, married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson in jeans...Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton got hitched, but waited until after the ceremony to put on the jeans...Did Ludacris tie the knot without telling anyone (i.e. his publicist)?...Tamera Mowry made for a lovely bride when she and Adam Housley tied the knot...
UNHITCHING POST: Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen are officially divorced. It took longer than the length of their marriage before separation...Ginnifer Goodwin and Joey Kern have called off their engagement...Onetime James Bond George Lazenby and former tennis pro Pam Shriver are officially divorced...Neve Campbell and John Andrew Light are officially exes.
HE GOT THE HOOKUP: Nick Jonas, at the wee age of 18, is apparently romancing 26-year-old Australian singer Delta Goodrem.
FINE ARTS: James Franco looked dreamy in blue as he graduated with an MFA from New York University, where he'll be returning to teach a directing course in the fall.
SORRY, JEN: Jennifer Aniston's beloved dog Norman died at the ripe old age of 15.
SURREAL ESTATE: It's no igloo, but Heidi Klum and Seal were happy in the Beverly Hills chateau they're now selling for $6.9 million...Arnold and Maria were once outwardly happy in this Pacific Palisades mansion, currently back on the market for $23.5 million...Avril Lavigne is saying good riddance to her Bel Air spread to the tune of $9.5 million...Katy Perry and Russell Brand are moving from this Los Feliz home to different hipster pastures, preferably after collecting $$3.395 million.
BABY BOOM: Marion Cotillard and beau Guillaume Canet welcomed son Marcel, their first child together...Nikki Taylor is expecting her fourth child, her second with hubby Burney Lamar...Ivanka Trump is bumpin' in Bazaar...Joey and Barrett McIntyre's baby on the way is a girl...Further keeping the apocalpyse at bay, 13-year-old Rebecca Black is not pregnant, thank goodness.
CANNES-DO: We're all over the 2011 Cannes Film Festival. Bienvenu!
SCREEN PLAY: British model Rosie Huntington-Whitely is at least convincing as a British person in this scene from Transformers: Dark of the Moon...Titanic 3-D sets sail April 6, 2012...The Dark Knight Rises finally commences filming and the villainous Bane looks scary...More key Hunger Games casting...First look at Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen...Armie Hammer lands Lone Ranger lead opposite Johnny Depp's Tonto. Giddyup...Stephen Fry further Britifies The Hobbit...Lego my Cars 2 trailer!...The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn is upon us, hooray...Colin Farrell is fang-lickin' good as the vampire next door in Fright Night...Ryan Gosling has plans for Carey Mulligan in Drive...Will Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides float your boat? Or will you fall for Midnight in Paris?
TV TIME: Lisa Edelstein is leaving House, which means Cuddy is leaving House for good. And that's terrible news!... Check out the 2011-2012 schedules, straight from the Upfronts in NYC...What isn't coming back next season? And, what is!...Ashton Kutcher also feels that he's winning these days...CNN anchor Don Lemon revealed that he's gay...Katie Couric leaves CBS Evening News...South Park was on Schwarzenegger like gangbusters...Paris Hilton is back on TV, yay!...Dissecting the Grey's Anatomy season finale...In a rare moment of sanity, Danielle Staub has given up her stripping gig...A killer Sue Sylvester night on Glee...Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly butted heads again...Piers Morgan bans Hugh Grant from his CNN show after Hugh blasts the British tabloids for being useless...Even Boston Rob's wife, Amber, didn't know that he won Survivor: Redemption Island months ago...Marlee Matlin and John Rich will square off in the Celebrity Apprentice finale...SPOILER ZONE!
MUSICAL NOTES: Selena Gomez's adorable new album cover...Beyoncé's "Run the World (Girls)" video premieres, can we get a what-what!...Britney Spears invites the fiercest Marines around to a stop on her Femme Fatale tour...Lady Gaga topped Forbes' Celebrity 100 Power List...And she's got the "Hair" to prove it...Rihanna follows Chris Brown on Twitter (not that there's anything wrong with that!)...Brown also leads the field for the 2011 BET Awards.
FASHION FORWARD: Hailee Steinfeld has a Miu Miu campaign on her résumé now.
LAW & DISORDER: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is suing his dad for being an opoprtunist, which is kind of like the douche calling the kettle black...Kate Gosselin may owe her marriage counselor big bucks. You know, for all the help...Pete Doherty sentenced to six months in the poky for cocaine possession...The Wire's Felicia Pearson maintains innocence in drug case...Lindsay Lohan calls out a possible stalker...Shauna Sands gets busted, after which ex Lorenzo Lamas decides to give their custody agreement another look...Rosie Perez claims Law & Order: SVU really hurt...Doesn't look like Britney's parents are going to be able to protect her by playing the mentally incapable card for much longer...Tom Sizemore's missing neighbor was found safe and sound.
SEEN: Bar Refaeli looking stunning in not much on a yacht on the French Riviera...Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively looking friendly on what was presumably a different yacht in the South of France...Demi Lovato showing off her bikini bod via Twitter...Maria Shriver looking on proudly as her equally stoic daughter Katherine is honored at the GirlPower Awards Luncheon at the Beverly Hills Hotel...Kristen Bell smooching the monkey from Hangover Part II at the film's Hollywood premiere at Grauman's Chinese Theatre...Paris Hilton and fam toasting the premiere of The World According to Paris at Tropicana Bar in Hollywood...Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries braving the paparazzi hand in hand on date night in West Hollywood...Very pregnant Alyssa Milano discussing future pregnancies at Unicef's Playlist with the A-List benefit at L.A.'s El Rey Theater...Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe cheering on son Deacon both separately and together during his soccer match at a Brentwood park...Lindsay and 17-year-old sis Ali Lohan reveling at the DeLeón Tequila anniversary party at Chateau Marmont...Kanye West sucking face with a mystery blonde in Cannes...Jennifer Love Hewitt shaking her booty with a group of girlfriends at Blush Boutique at the Wynn in Vegas.
WE MADE IT: If you're reading this, either the apocalypse is toying with us and will be occurring later today, or we're all good—at least until 2012. Either way, here's some stuff that we can continue to look forward to, and be sure to hang on to this playlist.