You're listening to "It's the End of the World As We Know It." You're watching 2012. You're, well, confused.
Why are you celebrating doomsday this week? Aren't you supposed to be firing up the R.E.M. next year?
A primer to our upcoming day(s) of reckoning:
1. There's May 21, and Then There's Dec. 21: The former is a 2011 doomsday as predicted by 1,000 billboards worldwide; the latter is a 2012 doomsday as supposedly foretold by the ancient Mayan calendar.
2. Oct. 21 Could Be a Bummer, Too: Per the billboard-buying broadcasters at Family Radio, May 21 (aka this Saturday) will merely be the beginning of the end. On that day, and each day thereafter, up until about a month into the new fall TV season, "people will die until…God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants."
3. Sadly, the Signs of the End Are Everywhere: Rebecca Black's "Friday" is becoming a legit party anthem?! Jerry Lewis is turning in his telethon microphone?! Donald Trump is curbing his presidential ambition?! (Granted, you didn't need to be an ancient Mayan to see that last one coming…)
4. Good for Harry Potter, Bad for Twilight: In the Family Radio scenario, it's conceivable some theaters could be operational when Deathly Hallows Part 2 debuts this summer. Sadly, the same can't be said for the November-slated Breaking Dawn Part 1. On the upside, if Family Radio's wrong, and the Mayans are right, then fans get to see both movies—before dying fiery deaths in the 2012 apocalypse.
5. In the Event the World Doesn't Start to End on Saturday…: Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will still be in previews. In other words, it'll business as usual—at least until 2012, when the doomsday watch begins anew (but Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark remains in previews).