Unless you count that whole President Obama-becoming-a-hero-to-the-Western-World thing. Here's what happened this week…
ROYAL MANIA: Will & Kate celebrate their one-week anniversary! And they said it wouldn't last. So what did they get up to in Anglesey? Well, Kate once again proved herself to be an everywoman by making her first post-wedding public appearance at a grocery store in North Wales. Where she did her own shopping. With commoners, people!...The sighting came after the couple spent a long weekend in an undisclosed location. They won't embark on their honeymoon until a later date, after Wills completes more of his RAF training…Meanwhile, her brother James gave Pippa a run for her money as most talked-about Middleton sibling after some cheeky, years-old nudie pics surfaced. Oh, bollocks…Pippa, meanwhile, is not yet Kate's lady-in-waiting…She is, however, a fashion winner…Speaking of winners, Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy were the wedding party's MVPs!...You can now get your hands on a copy of Kate's wedding dress…And her wedding day perfume…Alexander McQueen designer Sarah Burton said Kate is "lovely" and "low maintenance"…Will and Kate confirm that they will be coming to Los Angeles in July. David and Victoria Beckham will, in all likelihood, have a hand in their travel plans…Ricky Gervais, on the other hand, most definitely will not…And Will and Kate made romantics of us all, as an estimated 22.8 million Americans tuned in to their nuptials.
GOING GAGA: E! Online premiered Lady Gaga's biker Bible opus "Judas"…And followed it up with an exclusive, uncut 30-minute interview with the pop superstar…Ryan Seacrest revealed that the Gaga madness will continue next week, when she mentors the remaining American Idol contestants.
NATIONAL PRIDE: Less than 24 hours after he was cracking wise at the PDA-filled White House Correspondents' Dinner, President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden had been killed…Much Twitter celebrations were had…Oprah Winfrey was mostly happy…Will Ferrell brought his Dubya out of retirement for the occasion.
STORK DELIVERIES: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon finally welcomed their twins and after a game of Twitter teasing, announced their names: Monroe and Morrocan Scott Cannon (obviously, it was worth the wait)…Emma Bunton and fiancé Jade Jones said hello to another Spice baby, son Tate Jones in London. They're "over the moon"…Antonio Sabato Jr. became a proud papa and also took the prize (despite Mariah and Nick's best efforts) for craziest baby name. He welcomed son Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III…Bryan Adams and his personal assistant better half welcomed daughter Mirabella Bunny last month…Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox admittedly pulled out every cliché in the bag to announce the birth of Meredith Daniel… And in advance of Mother's Day, a slew of star mamas shared some maternal wisdom.
BABY BUMPIN: ZOMG! Kendra Wilkinson wants another baby!...January Jones showed off her baby bump (but still didn't clue us in about her baby daddy)…Jennifer Connelly proved she's just about ready to pop.
LAW & DISORDER: Richard Hatch will be home by Christmas…Conrad Murray's trial over Michael Jackson's death has been moved to September…Rick Springfield gets a DUI. No wonder Jessie's girl didn't want him…Nicolas Cage is in the clear on his domestic battery and drunkenness charges…One of the Teen Mom hot messes was back in court—tears were inevitably shed…Justin Bieber's egger is caught, Beliebers rest easy…Oksana Grigorieva dropped her domestic violence charges against Mel Gibson…Lindsay Lohan's jewel heist heads to the City Attorney…Chris Bosh cries foul over basketball wife…Nicollete Sheridan's Desperate Housewives suit heads to trial…Zack Morris plays nice in custody battle…Andy Dick added another notch to his rap sheet…Ricardo Chavira gets a DUI…Madonna distances herself from Kabbalah Centre after L.A. hangout is investigated in a criminal probe.
WINNING: Charlie Sheen's divorce from Brooke Mueller was finalized…Sheen's goddess Bree Olson also logged time in court, getting a year of probation in her DUI case…Sheen got his charity on, contributing $20,000 to a comatose Giants fan, who was beaten at a Dodgers game last month and launched the Torpedoes Against Tornadoes site to raise money for Alabama victims after touring the devastation…And no, he didn't shoot Kelly Preston.
TRUMPED UP: The Donald was bullied left, right and center at the White House Correspondents' Dinner…Then he fired himself from his Indy 500 pace car duties in wake of Facebook protests…He was also slammed for dissing stutterers…And fired back at David Letterman.
THE COWARD JESSE JAMES: Sandra Bullock's former better worse half Jesse James made the media rounds this week to promote his new memoir. Keeping it classy as always, he revealed that new love Kat Von D is better in bed than his Oscar-winning ex and that he wanted to get caught…He also revealed that he came clean to Sandy after her publicist informed her the tabloid story was coming out.
HERE COME THE BRIDES: Paul McCartney is getting married again (apparently he's not run out of money yet), as new of his engagement to Nancy Shevell spreads… Marie Osmond tied the knot with her first ex-husband nearly 30 years after their first trip down the aisle…She's not the only celeb to do so…Future Superman Henry Cavill popped the question to his Olympian-in-training girlfriend…Hugh Hefner tweeted out a picture of his wedding invitation to Crystal Harris…Tony Romo and Candice Crawford have booked a wedding location…Kristin Cavallari talks dresses…while Vanessa Minillo tries them on…Lorenzo Lamas took on his wife's name.
KEEPING IT REALITY: Dancing With the Stars' Hines Ward was mistakenly cuffed by cops in L.A, but neither he nor the cast are talking…The Voice coach Blake Shelton issued an apology for his perceived homophobic tweet after getting blasted by GLAAD…Jacob Lusk hit his last high note on American Idol… Cheryl Cole is announced as the new judge on Simon Cowell's X Factor. So who the hell is Cheryl Cole?... Brandi Glanville is the newest Real Housewife of Beverly Hills…Playgirl wants to see the mirror-balls of some Dancing With the Stars hotties…The Teen Mom messes are back for another season… Survivor cast-off bites back…The Voice is making us cry…Kendra hangs up her Dancing shoes…The hunks of the Bachelorette have been revealed…Pia Toscano started work on her first album…You chose our Kardashian campaign!
BOOB TUBE: It's that time of year again! Save One Show 2011!...60 Minutes' Scott Pelley is named as Katie Couric's replacement… Glee is going 3-D!...Bones gets another go... Conan O'Brien's beard is dunzo.
TWI NOT: New Breaking Dawn pics! Swoon!
HOME SWEET HOME: The Chicago-area home Macaulay Culkin booby-trapped in Home Alone can be yours for $2.4 million…Jennifer Aniston's Beverly Hills pad will set you slightly farther back, at a whopping $42 million…Which makes Madonna's childhood Michigan home a veritable steal at $48,600…Olivia Wilde's Venice pad is a happy-medium $3.095 million.
CINEMATASTIC: The MTV Movie Award nominations are in…and we ain't happy…Our 2011 Summer Movie Guides are here! You're welcome…Johnny Depp's 21 Jump Street cameo: done…We got another sneak peak at The Green Hornet…Kristen Stewart may have found her Huntsman.
THIS 'N THAT: Rihanna's cleavage proved too hot for Kuwait as her perfume ads were censored…Jennifer Love Hewitt is single again…The Decemberist's accordion and keyboard player Jenny Conlee has been diagnosed with breast cancer…There's controversy with Maxim's Hot 100 list…New Edition is reuniting…Shania Twain's memoir is a doozy…Miley Cyrus covered Nirvana. Kurt Cobain believed to remain right side up in his grave.