Sean Penn

Araya Diaz/

Dear Ted:
How long do you think it will be before Sean Penn assaults another photographer? Since he's decided to get into a very high-profile, lucrative-to-paps relationship?

Dear Good Question:
Well, since one thing that brings out celebs like Nicole Richie, Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn is how they're children are being treated, I suspect Penn's next big blowout with the media will be over one of his kids—perhaps one that hasn't even been born yet? So, a matter of months, let's say.

Dear Ted:
I never thought I would say this, but I am really pissed off at you! I like to get my Blind Vice fix as much as your next fan, but your latest, The Duke of Schlongsbury was sooo wrong! This guy doesn't need a Blind Vice, he needs a prison cell. You said he routinely has sex with underage girls and then you proceeded to make light of the whole issue. Shining a light on this disgusting guy was a good thing, but I think your method of delivery was horrible. What do you have to say for yourself?

Dear Pissy:
Oh, please, I am not the Federal Bureau of Investigation; although, I sometimes do feel like the Hollywood Bureau of Debauchery. As with Strippa Rip-Ya (whose husband is abusing her), it's up to the people directly involved in the crimes to go to the police, not me. Your anger really should be directed at those who can do something about the law-breaking, but instead, choose not to. At least, I'm trying to get this crap out in the open.

Dear Ted:
Could foxy Shellack Attack be Vivica A. Fox?

Dear Attack Mode:
No. Think a decade younger for the two-timing vixen.

Dear Ted:
Love your Bitch-Back section! Quick Hunger Games casting suggestion: Colin Farrell for Haymitch. He can act and he plays drunk and disorderly well. Thoughts?

Dear Brilliant:
Totally into it, but still gotta say: we want Brad Pitt. It'll be so much more of a shock if Brad goes bad, unlike, say, Colin.

Dear Ted:
How long has Shellack been dating her A-list partner? Does she have any kids with him? I'm thinking it could be Salma Hayek.

Dear Details:
Not that long, no, and dead wrong! (But very good guess, just the same).

Dear Ted:
I was looking at Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge's fashion pics and ended up looking at pictures from her engagement announcement and from her High Street shopping trip the week before the royal wedding. Is it just me, or did she lose a lot of weight in the time in between? I just can't help to think of how Princess Diana ended up losing a lot of weight between her engagement and wedding, as well.

Dear Correct:
Yes, Kate did lose weight. She even talked about it, and how she was eating sweets to fatten her figure back up a bit. As far as my royal sources tell me, Kate does not have an eating disorder, unlike the late Princess Diana.

Dear Ted:
I think I might have it: Is Cookie Muncher Vanessa Marcil?
GH fan

Dear Cookie Crumbles:
So far off, think much more famous.

Dear Ted:
Suzanne Collins
owes you big time! I wouldn't have read The Hunger Games had it not been for you. Thank you for this little nugget. My newest obsession has me wondering if Jennifer Lawrence will be single by the time shooting begins, so she'll be free to hook up with that hot piece of Aussie, Liam Hemsworth?

Dear Naughty:
Stirring up some trouble, are we? And isn't it interesting how you apparently just assumed Liam is going to be free from Miley by the time filming starts. Actually, I think you're right there, so Jen and Liam get my early blessing, too! (A tougher prob might be Jen's availability, as I do hear she's "taken.")

Dear Ted:
Just finished with Hunger Games trilogy. I was so mad it was over and honestly I am a little fearful of how they can translate all that into film. I have an odd suggestion for Cinna though. What about a Culkin? Mac or even Kieran. Kiren totally pulled off Scott Pilgrim, and to me they can do the understate eclectic elegance that was Cinna.

Dear Cool Casting:
You Hunger Games folk are on fire today. Love this one, too! See, always said this trilogy would attract a super together bunch.

Dear Ted:
I highly doubt anyone outside of the U.K. knows HRH the Duke of Schlongsbury, so please help us with an additional hint. Do we have to address him with HRH in real life or is that just part of the moniker?

Dear Bow When You Ask:
Yes, the whole royal shebang is required.

Dear Ted:
I've got it! Terri Hatcher is Cookie Muncher. Am I close?
Curious in Canada

Dear So Ice-Cold:
No, not in any capacity—really, wrong everything, including likability.

Dear Ted:
I just read that Chris Hemsworth is the frontrunner to play The Huntsman—once again he has beat out my fave, Alexander Skarsgård. Is it just me or has he been losing points in Hollywood since he hooked up with Kate Bosworth? First Thor, then Kon Tiki, now Snow White and The Huntsman. Is Askar's star falling, what's your opinion?

Dear Oh, Please:
Men never judge other men in this town based on who they're dating (look at Charlie Sheen for most of his Two and a Half Men run). Now if it were a woman, that would be a different story entirely.

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