20th Century FoxWhile awaiting confirmation that Arnold Schwarzenegger, as reported by Deadline, is back in the cyborg business, we thought we'd issue unsolicited advice: Don't.
Don't make a new Terminator movie, Mr. Schwarzenegger.
What do we know about managing your career? Granted, not much as much as you. But that's never stopped us before:
1. You're Too, Um… You're Too, Er, How Can We Put This? We can't. We can't say you're too old. We'll let you say it. "When I stand in front of the mirror and really look, I wonder: What the f--k happened here?," you railed to Newsweek. Now, in general, we agree with James Cameron, who, quoted in the same article, said your standards are higher than those of other mere mortals. But when it comes to a Terminator movie…
2. …Whoever Heard of a 63-Year-Old T-Something? As we insist, you're in better shape than you think. Even today, you could pass for a forty- to fiftysomething T-Something, as you did in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. But plot-wise, logic-wise, why would the middle-aged version of you exist? Remember Star Trek Generations? Remember how Captain Picard traveled through time to enlist the aid of the sixtysomething William Shatner? Remember how you shouted at the screen, "Hey, Picard, couldn't you have gone back a little farther, and gotten the twentysomething Shatner?" (OK, maybe that was just us.) Nevertheless…
3. Say "Hasta La Vista" to "Hasta La Vista": Like the grim, humorless folks who populate today's sci-fi, such as the you-free Terminator Salvation, we have no hope—no hope that you and your arsenal of catchphrases would be allowed to liven up the genre.
4. Every New Terminator Movie You Make Puts You One More Terminator Movie Away From Your Masterpiece: No amount of sequels, prequels or Sarah Connor spinoffs will ever equal one, fine Judgment Day.
5. Did You See James Cameron's Name in the Deadline Story? Neither did we. So, with respect to Justin Lin, don't be back.