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    Bitch-Back! Water for Elephants: Did the Movie Get It Wrong?

    Water for Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon 20th Century Fox

    Dear Ted:
    I haven't seen Water for Elephants yet. I am still reading it. And Marlena (Reese Witherspoon's character) actually came from a society background in Boston and ran away to the circus to escape a future of an arranged society marriage. So the cotillion manners should be exactly right.
    —Ni

    Dear Bookish:
    Thanks for the edification, Ni, but we only saw the flick, in which Reese's character plainly states she was a foundling child who was passed from one bad foster family to the next. So the writers took a huge departure from the book and apparently forgot to tell Witherspoon about it: She plays the role as if she's still at high tea with cucumber toast points. Just all wrong.

    Dear Ted:
    In Water for Elephants, the character played by Reese Witherspoon is running away from a monied marriage, not a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Just a head's up.
    Cat's Girl

    TWITTER: Follow Ted

    Dear Ted's Moan:
    Yes, in the book! This is the movie, which took great pains to explain how disadvantaged and destitute Reese was and that's why she was loathe to leave her awful husband, played brilliantly by Christoph Waltz. Point is, Reese obviously couldn't get the book out of her performance.

    Dear Ted:  
    Thank you so much for that article about Tai, aka Rosie the elephant, from WFE! I'm also a huge animal lover—the book was a hard one for me to read. I teared up reading your article, though, in a good way. I was very touched. Thanks for taking the time to post that! I have been planning to see the movie because of Robert Pattinson, but I'll feel better having read the sweet story of Tai and her "drums."
    Kara, Atlanta

    Dear Sweet:
    Be forewarned, the movie will be very hard to watch, at times. Rosie's beatings are beyond painful to watch. But knowing how much she was cared for in real life, plus, Rob's love for her afterward helps make up for all the gruesomeness, promise.

    Dear Ted:
    Your column keeps me warm all through the winter in Canada, where we protect our doggies' paws from the cold and salt with little boots. Is the "damn man" who did Pokie McPillster wrong a father, a former boyfriend, or both?
    kohlh

    Dear Det. Booties:
    Glad to help out, babe, and to answer your question, BF.

    Dear Ted:
    What do you think adorable Orlando Bloom enjoys most about fatherhood, taking care of his sweet son Flynn or the new size of Miranda Kerr's boobs? Love ya.
    co0ftroy

    Dear Love Ya Back:
    No brainer: daddyhood.

    Dear Ted:
    I think I've got it: Sheila Horn E. is Eva Longoria!
    stacyrwallace

    Dear Girl on Girl:
    Very
    close as to the gal who doesn't mind getting it on (in public) with another gal! In a lotta regards, just not the right actress. Think more beloved by her community.

    Dear Ted:
    If
    casting news is correct and John C. Reilly is cast as Haymitch, put me on the list of doubters because I cannot see this as good at all. All I see is another attempt at John C. Reilly trying to make another Will Ferrell movie happen. Hence, it ain't happening. Cast freaking Hugh Laurie and make fans proud for one freaking minute!
    Kph

    Dear Hungry for Heat:
    I agree, though I think you're been way too hard on Reilly, who's a fantastic actor. Just not who should get the hateful role—bring on the Robert Downey Jr. and Brad Pitts, please!

    Dear Ted:
    I'm a recent Blind Vice addict, and my favorite one I've come across is Toothy Tile. So without giving his name up and risking not being printed in your column (even though I'm 90 percent sure I know who it is), I have a question that may make his identity more obvious to those who still don't have a clue. With that said, has Toothy Tile ever had a fauxmance with Priscilla Desert?
    jennyp223

    Dear Toothy's Bitch:
    Mr. Tile and Priscilla are very fond of each other, I will say that much.

    Dear Ted:
    What the heck is up with Kellan Lutz and the ZIP code girl as I call her? Don't get me wrong, I think she's pretty and all, but this on-again, off-again crap is crazy. It seems that they are together for a while and then when someone else better comes along or they get bored with one another, they put each other on a bookshelf and then when they're done with being bored or in desperate need of attention, then they dust them off and start over. Honestly, I think Kellan needs a good girl that is a country girl at heart.
    Ang

    Dear Oh Please:
    Her name's AnnaLynne McCord. Get used to it because she is not going away! And, no, they're a bit more established than "bookshelf buddies," but not by much. And trust, she's all the woman he needs, that is not the problem.

    Dear Ted:
    I think Rachel McAdams should have costarred with Robert Pattinson in Water for Elephants.. Some of the movie was filmed in Chattanooga where I live and as you know Lauren Alania from American Idol is from around here, so there was a rumor going around that Robert and Lauren were dating...hilarious.
    kandeelms

    Dear Idol Chatter:
    Yeah but nearly as funny as that casting idea, sweets, all wrong! Rachel isn't exactly the hard, seen-it-all type.

    Dear Ted:
    Is it possible that LeAnn Rimes was just a beard for Dean Sheremet? I've always thought he was gay.
    —C

    Dear Stop Making Sense:
    Anything is possible with LeAnn. The marriage was so bizarre, very Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger, know what I mean?

    Dear Ted:
    How is my darling Nelly Fang doing? Still being my favorite naughty vamp? When he dumps his fake girlfriend please give me a ring! I would be more than happy to fill that position!
    Lila J

    Dear He's Fine:
    What am I, a dating service?

    Dear Ted:
    Emile Danko
    for President Snow. He is so creepy. I can already picture him with a rose and a bloody mouth!
    S.keefe1

    Dear Hunger Games Chief:
    True Blood
    's most horrific character is a great idea, but just not universally evil enough, I fear. This has to be horrifying—on a global scale. Maybe even Mel Gibson?

    Dear Ted:
    Dude, you've been in Hollywood way too long. In the rest of the world, looks is just one of the reasons why two people come together. Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are both smart, talented and good-looking. They would make a hot couple if they chose to hook up. Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart are barely post-tweener puppies just finding their way in the big, bad world of adults. Pattison is half the man Gosling is when it comes to acting, while Stewart's acting is overly nuanced and affected when it isn't frustratingly neurotic. Both Pattison and Stewart may end up to be good actors, but the jury is still out. In the meantime, Gosling is already there and Stone is well on her way.
    R

    Dear Excuse the Opinion Out of Me:
    Don't agree. Gosling may be currently a better actor than Rob, but that's changing, and Kristen more than deserves to be called Gosling's equal. Hotness-wise, you have a point, though I find Rob and Ryan totally equally doable, so calm down.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Cookie Muncher Julia Roberts? I feel this is a random guess, but you said she doesn't book it at the altar, so couldn't help thinking of Runaway Bride.
    Tracey

    Dear Pretty Wrong:
    Think far less traditionally famous.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Pokie Vanessa Hudgens?
    Rypecanha

    Dear Kinda Close but Older:
    Plus, the real Cookie's not as nice as Vanessa, nor is she as talented.

    Dear Ted:
    As a straight woman, I have to disagree with you about Anne Hathaway. I think she is gorgeous. Strikingly so. So while neither you nor I are sexually attracted to her, I think aesthetically she is stunning, and if I didn't look like me (average as I am), I damn well would be happy to look like her!
    Steph

    Dear Get Real:
    Sweetie, it's OK to be attracted to Anne, just go with it!

    Dear Ted:
    Don't you think Kristen Stewart and Ellen Page would be amazing in a movie together?
    anon

    Dear No:
    Not unless you're talking about a remake of Thelma and Louise?

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