THE PENN IS MIGHTIER: Being Woody Allen's muse sure makes you grow up fast. We do know one thing for sure: Sean Penn isn't Scarlett Johansson's Lamaze coach. Other than that, he could be anything from just her jogging buddy to her Malibu landlord to her full-on boyfriend. But ever since she was of legal cocktail-swilling age, ScarJo has always had a thing for older gents. Even almost-ex-hubby Ryan Reynolds is eight years older. After that, is 24 years really that much of a stretch?
Which brings us to...
TORO! Oscar winner, man-about-town and rumored onetime ScarJo fling Benicio Del Toro has procreated with none other than Rod Stewart's daughter, Kimberly Stewart. We probably couldn't have been more surprised if he had been going out with Sean Stewart. But to his credit, Del Toro's straight-forward, no-nonsense rep (maybe Charlie Sheen should give this publicist a call) said point-blank that the pair are not currently a couple but that the actor will fulfill his daddy duties. Bravo. Better that than pretend for a judgmental public's sake.
WHO KNEW: We had heard that Catherine Zeta-Jones was having a tough time last year while hubby Michael Douglas baddled cancer. Who wouldn't?! But it was the eye-opener of the day when the Oscar winner's rep revealed that she had recently sought in-patient treatment for Bipolar II (the less life-altering kind, mainly marked by bouts of severe depression rather than mania) disorder. She has already checked out after about a week of R&R, and we wish her the best.
AS THE WORLD ENDS: Two in one blow! It was the end of an era when ABC announced it was pulling the plug on both All My Children and One Life to Live after 41 and 43 years on the air, respectively. Thank goodness Susan Lucci got at least that one Daytime Emmy win!
SO PRETTY: Jennifer Lopez was deemed the "World's Most Beautiful Woman" on the cover of People's annual beautiful-people issue. Ryan Reynolds and Mila Kunis made the cover, too, but only about 2 square inches.
FALLEN IDOL: Paul McDonald became the first guy to be eliminated—and, unlike Casey Abrams, sent home—since the Top 13 was formed. His parting gifts? The spangled suit he wore for his final performance night and Twilight star Nikki Reed. (And though musical guest Kelly Clarkson admitted to finding Casey "delicious," the object of his affection appears to be Haley Reinhart.)
COX-ARQUETTE: They both stepped out (not exactly together, but not far apart) at the Scream 4 premiere and, in the end, Courteney Cox couldn't resist the pull of The Howard Stern show—where David Arquette sat in all week, incidentally, his first time back since rehab. He talked about, among other things, trying to score with his estranged wife during a trip to Disney World with daughter Coco. Fresh off her vivid Letterman appearance, Courteney cut to the chase on Stern: She would hate for her hubby to romance her longtime pal Jennifer Aniston (a scandalous—and imaginary—hookup Howard has been trying to get David to engage in since his separation).
HE SAID, SHEEN SAID: Charlie Sheen and Warner Bros. are even more at odds now that Charlie's telling the media that Two and a Half Men wants him back. Warners' lawyers told him to cease and desist with the falsehoods, to which Charlie's lawyer suggested they get real because there totally have been discussions. Which side is off its rocker? Sheen for allegedly making something up or the studio for considering the possibility of having him back?...Sheen is apparently one Hollywood figure whom Randy Quaid will still do business with...What's Brooke Mueller doing in a pawn shop, looking agitated?
BALLS TO THE WALL: On the eve of the playoffs, Kobe Bryant was charged with a major foul when he was caught on TV yelling "f--king f----t" at a ref at Staples Center. He of course immediately said that he meant nothing by it as far as his feelings about the LGBT community go, but he was fined $100,000 by the NBA nevertheless. But now the silver lining has been revealed, as the Lakers are sitting down with GLAAD (as have the Yankees and WWE before them) to discuss ways to promote equality and proper treatment for all.
BIG REVEAL: Demi Lovato confirmed in Seventeen that she suffers from an eating disorder, a major contribution to the breakdown that landed her in treatment for a few months. Her honesty was refreshing and we wish her the best. And Demi wishes Catherine Zeta-Jones the best.
GOOD WILL: LeAnn Rimes offered to send a Twitter follower who recently lost her job some of the too-big shirts off her own back, or at least the ones she was cleaning out of her closet anyway. Regardless, a very lovely gesture, LeAnn.
DAMNED IF THEY DO: Now that the opportunities to explain their marriage have tapered off (they're approaching their sixth anniversary, FYI) Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are busy defending their controversially humorous PSAs promoting their sex-slavery-awareness campaign, Real Men Don't Buy Girls. How could a bunch of videos starring Kutcher, Justin Timberlake and Bradley Cooper be so misconstrued?!
TURKISH DELIGHT: Kim Kardashian maintained a positive attitude about being featured on the April cover of Cosmopolitan in Turkey, which coincides with Genocide Remembrance Day on the 24th. The E! star, who's of Armenian descent, figured the controversy helped bring awareness to the country's controversial history and the continuing tribute to the victims. We certainly hope that there were more than a few people who learned a thing or two after reading about Kim's cover.
ROYAL FLUSH: Even the son of the Prince of Wales can't snag last-minute reservations in Wales sometimes...Jerry Seinfeld doesn't give a toasted crumpet about the royal wedding, except for the parts he can joke about...Snoop Dogg's "Wet," which he took it upon himself to write for Prince William's bachelor party," couldn't be played on U.S. radio stations till he changed the title to, well, something less obvious...Here's a possible sampling of the wedding guest list...Who's YOUR favorite princess of all time?
BABY BOOM: Evangeline Lilly is expecting her first with boyfriend Norman Kali (or the only thing she's lost is her figure)...Tori Spelling admitted that she's well on her way to her third child with hubby Dean McDermott...Gael Garcia Bernal and girlfriend Dolores Fonzi welcomed their second child, daughter Libertad...Natalie Portman is generally a vegan, but the little one she's been eating for lately was craving egg-and-butter sweets, dammit!
BABY ULTRA-BOOM: Sister Wives patriarch Kody Brown and fourth "wife" Robyn are expecting their first child together. aka his 17th and her fourth.
ENGAGEMENT RING: Jamie Campbell Bower, of New Moon, Deathly Hallows and now Camelot fame, is planning to swap vows with Bonnie "Ginny Weasley" Wright.
UNHITCHING POST: Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman are officially divorced. That was relatively easy, wasn't it?...Michael Douglas' ex-wife still wants a piece of his Wall Street sequel profits, and he doesn't give a flying fig!
DO-GOODING: Heidi Klum stands up to cancer in nothing but a sweatshirt...Ke$ha reveals which kind of clubs she hates in new PETA campaign...Law & Order: SVU's Christopher Meloni tapes a pro-gay marriage PSA.
ROMANCE REPORT: Tiny Hayden Panettiere and her huge boyfriend, Wladimir Klitschko, have figured out how to make it work.
ALPHA MALE MADNESS: When it came time to choose between Glee's Darren Criss and Supernatural's Jensen Ackles, you went with.
...Jensen Ackles! But here's the both of them, just for man-ogling sport.
FEUDAL TIMES: It's Donald Trump vs. Bill Cosby FTW (and not the presidency, we hope).
TV LAND: Shooting his own reality show with wifey Khloé Kardashian Odom wasn't exactly the piece of cake Lamar Odom thought it would be (Rihanna found it hard to swallow, too)...Sugar Ray Leonard is out of Dancing WIth the Stars—and so is Cheryl Burke, till her latest injury heals...The Opran Winfrey Show finale is no Super Bowl, but still...Check out Katie Holmes' post-Kennedys comeback...Alec Baldwin and John Krasinski are a couple of mad hatters...Michael Scott has been given more time to say goodbye to The Office...Anderson Cooper takes umbrage with Snooki...BTW, Jersey Shore castmembers are now making $100,000 per episode—each!...Question for the weekend: Should you invest in Game of Thrones or not?...Condi Rice is coming to 30 Rock...Just when we thought we couldn't take Bret Easton Ellis less seriously...Jill Zarin tries to save face before shooting a White Collar cameo...Exclusives from Gossip Girl, Smallville, Supernatural, America's Best Dance Crew and the DWTS-Idol dating scene...SPOILER ZONE!
SCREEN PLAY: The Crow is being remade, perhaps with Bradley Cooper in the Brandon Lee role...Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will have its world premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next month, meaning Johnny Depp will be there, yay!...Turns out, Lindsay Lohan has an in with the Gotti family...Michael Shannon joins the new Superman...Mickey Rourke blasts the movie he made with Megan Fox...Natalie Portman's Black Swan body double Sarah Lane comes clean about everyone else being a liar...Will Ferrell habla español in Case De Mi Padre...Is James Franco responsible for the Rise of the Planet of the Apes?...Taylor Lautner solves the mystery of his own Abduction with Lily Collins...Selena Gomez and Leighton Meester live out a teenage dream in Monte Carlo...Your Highness was no Pineapple Express and Arthur was no Hop...Should you see Rio this weekend? Or perhaps Scream 4?
FAREWELL: Prolific director Sidney Lumet, recipient of a lifetime achievement Oscar in 2005, died of lymphoma at 86. His final film was Before the Devil Knows You're Dead in 2007.
MUSICAL NOTES: Britney Spears is giving Selena Gomez a little "Whiplash"...Nicki Minaj is definitely joining Britney on tour...Britney and Rihanna are also into "S&M" together...Justin Bieber didn't end up meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyau, but, don't worry, it is not because he has political convictions...The ever modest Josh Duhamel says Fergie's taking a break from the Black Eyed Peas...Stand down, Shakira did not get fleeced mid-concert...Miley Cyrus' duet with Bret Michaels will be confined to Australian radio stations...98 Degrees alum Jeff Timmons signed up for a Chippendales run at the Rio in Vegas...Lady Gaga crashes but, happily, doesn't burn onstage...Nick Cannon followed in the footsteps of Will Smith and recorded a little just-the-three-of-us rap for his still gestating twins...Dolly Parton gives her opinion of Lady Gaga's country version of "Born This Way"...U2's 360° tour is officially the biggest money maker of all time.
ONLINE HIGH: Justin Bieber, Jimmy Fallon, Zach Galifianakis, Danny McBride, Team CoCo and other savvy Internet utilizers are up for Webby Awards.
LAW & DISORDER: New Jersey police think they've caught up with Jon Bon Jovi's jewel thief...Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are now square with Uncle Sam...Wesley Snipes, already in prison for not paying the IRS, is now accused of not paying someone else...Montel Williams' drug-paraphernalia case dismissed...Nicolas Cage's missing Superman comic (like, the OG first Superman) has been found!
COVERAGE: Robert Pattinson is barely 24, people. Anything he says about wanting to have a family should be put in a time capsule and dug up in 10 years...Jennifer Lawrence talks The Hunger Games with Teen Vogue, then shakes off the winter blahs (and her clothes) in GQ...Lady Gaga unsurprisingly takes issue with plastic surgery, considering you're not born that way, in Harper's Bazaar...Ashley Tisdale got on the naked bandwagon for Allure's annual Nudes issue...Jen Aniston uses the U.K.'s Red to propose the prospect of a happy life together to George Clooney...Dennis Quaid opened up to Newsweek about his 1980s-era cocaine habit...Vanessa Hudgens considers those pesky chronic photo leakers to be "selfish."
ANIMAL COMPANIONS: "I love taxidermy. It's like art," said Amanda Seyfried as she told the British press about shipping her latest purchase—a preserved dead horse—back to L.A....Amanda Bynes adopted another real, live dog named Tiara, about a week after mourning the loss of her last pup, Angel.
SURREAL ESTATE: The Hermosa Beach mansion that posed as Donna, Kelly and David's post-high school home in Beverly Hills 90210 is on the market for $8.9 million, or you can stay there for $2,400 a week.
SEEN: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick trying to keep their heads down after the Digitour show at L.A.'s El Rey Theatre...Gwyneth Paltrow promoting her new healthy-living cookbook at Good Housekeeping's Shine On awards in NYC...Justin Long forgetting that you wait tables before you become a successful actor, at BLT Fish in NYC...Sean Penn's adorable teenage son, Hopper, giving the paparazzi the finger (on dad's watch, of course)...Marston Hefner celebrating his 21st birthday with legendary dad Hugh and future stepmom Crystal Harris at Moon and the Playboy Club, natch, at the Palms Las Vegas...Robin Williams hiding out under a beard on Broadway.