CNN's star anchor took time out from his busy newscast to focus on an issue of serious import—the incredible rise of Ms. Gym Tan Laundry herself, that pint-sized, Guido-loving creature from Jersey Shore otherwise known as Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.
And what he had to say wasn't pretty, though it was pretty funny.
In declaring that anyone who coughs up dough to the reality star belongs on his dubious honor roll, The RiducuList, Cooper sarcastically called out Snooki for pulling down a purported $100,000 pay raise for the upcoming fourth season of MTV's hit series.
"I'm telling you, Snooki is one impossibly lucky, unusually spunky, freakishly tan, beer guzzling, juicehead hugging, muscle loving, Botero body, pint-sized money-making machine," quipped the 360° host.
By the way, you know it's bad when she's being trashed by the guy who's a self-proclaimed fan of tacky reality shows like Living Lohan and The Real Housewives and is close pals with Atlanta Housewives star NeNe Leakes not to mention The D-List's Kathy Griffin, his partner in crime for emceeing CNN's New Year's Eve celebrations.
Anyway, Cooper went on to pay mocking tribute to the one-named wonder for earning a whopping $32,000 to give a speech about her binge-drinking experiences to students at Rutgers recently. He noted that's $2,000 more than what the university is paying Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison to speak at commencement next month.
"So what, a girl's got to eat. Wait, the salt on the margarita glass is technically food, correct?" he deadpanned. "Anyway, far from me to be criticizing Snooki for making a living. What's she gonna do? Party all the time? Oh, it turns out she gets paid for that too!"
Cooper followed that by quoting from a New York Times story that reported Snooki gets paid $25,000 for club appearances, or in his words, "to go to a club, for a few hours, to drink and dance, and just be Snooki—or as I like to call it the Show Up and Throw Up Fee."
"$25,000 to show up and hopefully throw up," he added, "because frankly if you go to a club to see Snooki, that's really all you want to see."
An incredulous Cooper ended the segment by playing a montage of the Snookster's greatest party fouls and booty-shaking drunken falls.
"All right, I'm not saying it isn't downright captivating and I'm not saying she isn't worth every penny, all I'm saying is you really don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to get your Snooki on, you just need basic cable," lamented the journalist. "Just turn on MTV, watch The Jersey Shore, any episode will do because frankly they're all the same. . .cause anyone who's paying Snooki to be Snooki, I welcome you to Club Ridiculist."
Snooki could not be reached for comment as she's laughing all the way to the bank. But judging by this tweet, we're guessing she doesn't care.