Not all memoirs are tell-all memoirs. And a hunch tells us Arnold Schwarzeneggers, to be titled Total Recall, it was announced today, won't tell all that much while the author's still digging out from a certain family situation.
1. Mackenzie Phillips Was Raped by Papa John Phillips: The most startling thing about Mackenzie's 2009 High on Arrival is that the rape isn't the most startling thing. The onetime One Day at a Time star writes that, post-rape, she engaged in a years-long affair with her music-legend father.
2. Joan Crawford Was the Original "Mommie Dearest": Today, we expect our celebrity memoirs to dish dirt. In 1978, Christina Crawford's tome about growing up the (abused) daughter of a (monstrous) screen legend shocked. (And since the movie hadn't been made yet, the bit about wire hangers wasn't one bit funny.)
3. Jose Canseco Names Names: In 2005, this future Celebrity Apprentice player had nothing to lose, so the ex-baseball slugger told some steroid tales on himself—and other beloved stars of the game. Conventional wisdom said Canseco just wanted to sell books. Three years later, and a few steroid admissions later, Canseco published a sequel called Vindicated (and got booked on Letterman, to boot).
4. Rosie O'Donnell Inflicted Broken Bones on a Kid—Herself: There is pain, and then there's pain. In Celebrity Detox, the former talk queen's 2007 confessional, O'Donnell writes about her younger self smashing her own fingers with a souvenir baseball bat for "proof that I had some value, enough to be fixed."
5. Greg Brady Dated His Mom?! It wasn't as twisted as all that (and as Florence Henderson herself has attested, it was way more innocent than all that), but The Brady Bunch was such a G-rated show that just about any "dirt" in Barry Williams' behind-the-scenes 1992 autobiography, Growing Up Brady, seemed, well, dirty—especially his account of his and Henderson's dinner "date."
(Originally published April 6, 2011, at 7:15 a.m. PT)