Chuck Lorre isn't one for platitudes.
"Whenever I've gone through tough times, well-meaning people have told me that God/the universe does not give us more than we can handle," the Two and a Half Men cocreator, who along with Warner Bros. is being sued by Charlie Sheen for $100 million, wrote in the vanity card that aired after tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory.
"Well, I've been going through a tough time recently, and sure enough, that old saying has been tossed my way on several morose occasions. After some careful consideration, I've decided it's bull$#*!."
And don't you dare tell him, "This too shall pass," either.
"Again, I know these are words meant to reassure," Lorre continued, "but somehow they always leave me feeling that heartbreak, rage and grief are going to come shooting out of me like kidney stones through an inflamed urethra."
There's no word whether his battle with Sheen that's been waged in the media (and which Sheen wants to continue in a courtroom) has actually left Lorre with actual physical troubles, but surely it can't feel too good to have a big question mark plastered over what was, just a couple months ago, the most successful sitcom on TV.
"For someone in crisis, I think a more accurate and helpful assessment of reality would be, 'Love, sex, food, friendship, art, play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a cup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary,'" Lorre concluded, ever the comedy writer.
"Consider trying that next time you're called on to do some consoling. If you're feeling impish, you might also try, 'According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.'"
Sheen, for a change, has been relatively quiet this week.