Sarah Lance, Natalie Portman

MCMULLAN CO/SIPA; Niko Tavernise/Fox Searchlight

Dear Ted:
My pit bulls, Sweet Pea and Milo, and I are really annoyed with this whole Black Swan "controversy." Natalie Portman won her Oscar because of her acting, not her dancing. I admired how physically demanding the role was, but it was her amazing emotional metamorphosis from the White Swan to the Black Swan that made her deserving of the honor. That dance double is obviously jealous and a fame ho.
Pit Mama

Dear Pissed-Off Pits:
I feel you on this one. Well, to an extent. Natalie was pretty flawless as an actress in Black Swan. As Mila Kunis, Darren Aronofsky and baby daddy Benjamin Millepied all agree, Natalie worked her butt off and she certainly deserved her Oscar. No one can play a crazy ballerina that well. And honestly, this battle is getting a bit ridiculous. Obviously Sarah Lane should have gotten some real credit (look at those DVD features) and not the insulting, dismissive title of "extra."  

Dear Ted:
Is Cookie Muncher Kelly Preston?

Dear Too Sugary:
Nope. Think more chocolate chip, if you know what I mean.  

Dear Ted:
Why did both Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas talk fondly about each other and their relationship in recent magazine articles if they were having trouble and were so close to breaking up for good? Why wouldn't they just not comment on the relationship at all? The whole situation continues to make less and less sense. Am I the only one who misses them? I thought they were perfect for each other.

Dear Dream On:
Yeah, pretty sure you are the only one (including Ashley and Joe) that miss the duo. Once they called it quits so casually, especially after they were so public about the relaysh, it smelled like all publicity. The two were super cute together, don't get me wrong. But no one moves on from true love without some massive heartbreak downtime. There's something not so genuine here, sorry.

Dear Ted:
Could King Schlong possibly be Mark Wahlberg? Am I close? If not him, has he worked with King?

Dear Short Stuff:
Schlong's not overly overcompensating. He's not Wahlberg, trust. Everyone that matters has worked with him, and done a damn good job by his side.

Dear Ted:
Is Lisa Marie Presley Strawberry Snort-Em?

Dear Cork It:
No way. Think much younger, and way fresher than Ms. Presley. Sorry, doll! Keep guessing!

Dear Ted:
When they do a movie of Elizabeth Taylor's life, what do you think about Kristen Stewart as a young Liz? If you look at their photos side-by-side, fresh-face Kristen's a ringer for a young Liz.

Dear Too Far, Too Far:
While I absolutely love K.Stew's look and awkward mannerisms, it is an insult to everything Taylor that you even put these two in the same category. I mean the woman was a fabulous, outspoken fireball, not a cutely reserved (albeit mega-talented) actress. I don't even really see a resemblance. Elizabeth's features were crazy strong, and Kristen's—as pretty as they are—are much more delicate. Sorry, but this comparison is a major no-go in my opinion. My vote goes more to somebody like Natalie Portman, ‘cause she knows her way around controversy; plus, she's a major looker.

Dear Ted:
I'm not a Krisbian, I'm "unconditionally and irrevocably" Robsessed, but I have to ask. "If any half of the Robsten duo is humble, pleasant and outright super sweet it's definitely Rob." Are you saying that Kristen is not? And what is this "Rob just seems more genuine" supposed to mean? I just want your sincere thoughts on Kristen, qualities and flaws.

Dear Kris-Defensive:
Don't get way offended. All we are saying is that with Rob's latest movie coming out, he as been more open to answering some of the trickier questions, questions both he and Kristen have always avoided. Kristen has less patience with all this PR stuff. Good for her!

Dear Ted:
Holy hotness and biceps! My yummy Rob Lowe on the cover of Vanity Fair actually made me drool for the first time in 10 years! Tell me he is as intelligent and witty in real life as he is onscreen. Pretty please!

Dear Drooling:
Ditto on the slobbering situation! He looks hot, and I love how grounded he stays after having worked with such celebrity hotheads like Charlie Sheen and Tom Cruise. Lowe is levelheaded and we are really digging him and those bulging biceps. Nice happy trail, too!

Dear Ted:
Is it a coincidence that Reese Witherspoon got engaged around the time her movie How Do You Know came out in December and then got married just before her film Water for Elephants is set to premiere?

Dear Deliberate Wedding Planner:
Yes. Since she's so into her new hubby, Jim Toth, it's not even funny. Plus, How Do You Know totally flopped, but I'm sure Water For Elephants won't. It's all luck of the draw with those movies. Her wedding has got nada to do with it, puh-lease. Then again...

Dear Ted:
My husband and our kitty, Mama Sweet Pea, think they know this one: Does Mrs. Cookie Muncher have a history of doing reality shows on major networks?
It's the Lips Isn't It?

Dear Not So Yum:
She's more of a classic beauty than anything else, not some kooky TV actress. It's not in the lips, but you're thisclose.

Dear Ted:
I have brought this up to you once before but I am sooo curious I need to know. What is going on with Hilary Duff? I feel her face is looking a bit different every time I see her. Did she go under the knife for something?

Dear Made of Plastic:
I mean, this rumor has been swirling for years, and I swear I feel like it's part of the reason she slipped under the radar so abruptly as an actress. That, and to get married to that hockey guy! But her ginormous veneers are one thing we can all agree was a botched job. Nothing a little filing down couldn't help, though!

Dear Ted:
You never answer my questions, but I am hoping you can throw my rescue mutt, Charlie, a bone on this one. Is Megan Fox Cookie Muncher? Is she even still a "superstar"?

Dear Question Answered:
No. She's too young, but they have a similar, sultry look. Kisses to your pooch!

Dear Ted:
With Amy Adams cast as Lois Lane in the new Superman, I have to wonder why Kate Bosworth wasn't even considered for it. It really has to sting to have a woman eight years older than you take over a part you're known for playing. And how do you think Ms. Adams will do?
Not a fan of Superman

Dear Not a Lane Fan:
I don't like it—not one bit. I feel like Amy is a bit old for the part and too bland looking. Granted, Bosworth has that same plain Jane look going for her as well, but at least her smile has got some pep in it. Something about Amy is a little dull. Plus, the older casting call may be to draw in a different crowd. I mean, she will look good next to Henry Cavill, who's playing Clark Kent.

Dear Ted:
Is Caesar Anchovy-Arse moving into Strippa Rip-Ya newfound limelight?

Dear Second Place:
Arse is one douchebox that will always be in Strippa's limelight. He doesn't have a strong enough career to stand alone.

Dear Ted:
Are King Schlong and Cookie Muncher married to each other?

Dear Munchy Matchmaker:
No, but that would be one match made in Vice hell. Cookie's hubby isn't as dirty as she is.

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