Bradley Cooper, Renee Zellweger, Sandra Bullock

Jemal Countess/Getty Images; Jason Merritt/Getty Images; AP Photo/Peter Kramer

Dear Ted:
Did I miss the news that Bradley Cooper and what's-her-face broke up? Care to make any guesses why they didn't work?

Dear Not Alone:
I feel like they were one of those couples who easily flew under the radar just because Renée's squinty, yet precious face is kind of forgettable amidst all the other beautiful and buh-rilliant box-office babes. Like, let's say Sandra Bullock. Remember how Star (of course it was them) printed a story that Bradley had an affair with Sandra behind Renée's back? That was so Ryan Reynolds ago, please. Well, turns out Brad's ex went to visit the not-at-all other woman and her presh son Louis in NYC. Love it. BFFs debunked salacious, crappy rumors!

Dear Ted:
So, word on the glitzy streets is that Skarsworth are shacking up. Must be serious!

Dear Skarsworth's Love Shack:
You mean they're moving in together? Well, hot damn, here come the engagement rumors yet again. We said before that we really think Skars is outgrowing his long-term GF—on so many fronts. But if the key fits! There are no confirmations that they're moving in, but hey, they already do the grocery shopping together, so what's the big diff? Just don't pull a Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer post-move-in breakup breakdown on us. That was too sad.

Dear Ted:
I can't seem to shake the feeling that King Schlong is Brad Pitt. Am I at least in the right age group?

Dear Generation Gap:
Hardly that much difference in age between Schlong and Brad, but higher or lower, 10 years or so. They both definitely make the same age group hot and heavy for them, though.

Dear Ted:
Is it true Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are in the midst of hammering out a separation agreement, complete with financial incentives to keep Katie's trap shut?

Dear Divorcée Aisle:
Rumors of something being off between these two have been brewing ever since Tom went monkey-mad on Oprah's couch. It was weird from the get-go. And that whispering has only increased, divorce rumors included. My gut? Mrs. Cruise isn't done with being Mrs. Cruise, not by a long shot.

Dear Ted:
I love, love all the Blind Vices. Earlier you had said that King Schlong has not done any voice-over work. I just want you to clarify this because I am so sick of the lame guesses that are going on.

Dear Voice of a God:
Schlong has one sexy voice, but no, he has not been a voice-over for a cartoon of sorts, if that is what you are all bitchin' about.

Dear Ted:
Any gossip on the handsome Michael Fassbender? He seems to stay out of the limelight, which I like, but I'd love to know more about him.

Dear Dodging the Limelight:
So true! This studly foreigner is too busy with his handful of movies, which are in either post of preproduction, to step out into any kind of light. The dude seems like a workaholic, which we love. So driven and delish of him! He just finished filming X-Men: First Class, after which rumors have spread that he is dating his younger costar Zoë Kravitz. They could be exotically hot together, no? 

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if you could please straighten something out for me? In a previous Bitch-Back, you said that Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't as Vicey as the others and was a fine man. Does this mean he has never had a Vice or never costarred in someone else's?

Dear Dirty Leo:
Even a fine man can have his not-so-fine moments. Believe me. Whatever his role is in my Blind Vice archive, it's not one we would fully hate on. 

Dear Ted:
I need the word on Coco Crack-Head. Give me a clue, a hint, something to get me in the right direction...Has she straightened herself out? Are her shenanigans beginning to affect her job on her hit TV show? We just adopted another kitty cat—poor guy lost one of his fangs, but he's sweet as can be and doesn't let it bother him. Poe sends his love!

Dear Cuckoo for Coco:
Actually, Coco's career is taking a turn for the bigger, maybe not better, screen. But I mean, anything is better than doing lines in a bathroom stall, so we are proud of her for now. She's still sticking to her hit show, but taking steps to make sure she'll have some sort of a movie career in case the show busts. Ya know it happens, and Coco's prepared. Much love to you and your kitties!

Dear Ted:
Why haven't you commented on Bradley Cooper's break up with Renée? Could it be that he was the Oscar stud who was going to break up with his girlfriend or wife? He seems like such a nice person, and I think he is a Vice, so with that combination I cannot understand why he didn't break up with her in earlier. Honestly, Renée looks tired and in desperate need of some food, so if he really did care about her, why didn't he try and get her some in gain some weight?

Dear Breakups and Burgers:
Girl needs a burger or two, but come on, breakups are hard on everyone. Don't think she'll be gaining any weight soon, unless she got all Bridget Jones on us. She was so much prettier with a few more pounds, we think at least. As for B.C. being the Oscar dude, doubt it. I have a hunch it's someone way older. Plus, Renée and Brad had no reason to wait until post-Oscars. That breakup was bound to happen, whenever and however.

Dear Ted:

What's your take on that Bieber-Pattz story? Who's lying? And why do you say it's not the first time the Biebs is caught lying? I don't know about you, but I'm Team Robert, as always.

Dear Ted:
Of course you're Team Rob. My take is that they are both fibbing just a little. While I love Rob, his too-cool response to what Biebs probably thought was a joke is rubbing me the wrong way. What's all the ‘tude for? Looks to me like K. Stew is making the lad a wee bit too serious!

Dear Ted:

I always see the same people being papped at random places. Stars I wouldn't mind seeing rarely have candid photos. Do some stars call the paps, or do they just go after the ones with the biggest public interest?

Dear Papping Yourself:
Please, H'wood is full of camera whores, and best believe they will call if they are not getting their much needed attention. It's actually a sneaky publicity move that most of the young girls are using these days. Too bad it's kind of transparent, hons!

Dear Ted:
For all the gossip, I only trust you. Is King Schlong Channing Tatum?

Dear Cool Down:
This hot race to figure out Schlong is starting to take over some of your lives. Chill out, people! And no it's not Channing, and if I get that guess one more time I'm going to boycott the King questions. I kid, I kid. I love this game as much as the rest of you. Plus, Schlong is too hot to boycott. Thanks for the love and trust, doll!

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