[Cue the Jimmy Fallon thank you note-writing theme] Thank you, Charlie Sheen, for valiantly stepping aside so that other news could happen.
And be it good or bad, we've got the highlights from all the news that's fit to Google right here:
TILL BLEH DO US PART: Brad Womack proposed to Emily Womack on the season finale of The Bachelor and, several months later...We are again congratulating the one who got away on her good fortune! The struggling couple have apparently been on a downward swing since he popped that ring on her finger, leaving host Chris Harrison no recourse but to shrug, insist he really likes both Brad and Emily, and express hope that they work things out. Brad's ex, on the other hand, thinks Emily should get out before she wakes up eight years from now and goes, "What am I doing?!"
YOUR TURN: Ashley Hebert, one of the final three women vying for Brad's affections, will be the next lady of the hour on The Bachelorette, premiering May 23. We can't really say whether she'll make a "good" Bachelorette, but thumbs up on her back-to-normal brown hair!
IN DOGGY HEAVEN: Platinum-selling rapper Nate Dogg, who came up with Snoop Dogg and Warren G out of the Long Beach Crew scene in the 1990s, died at 41. Nate had suffered from serious health problems, including a series of strokes, over the last several years. Snoop, Eminem, the Game, Ludacris, Mariah Carey and more immediately paid tribute.
NAKED BUNCH: Vanessa Hudgens has her lawyer and the cops on the trail of whoever posted years-old nude photos of her online (again)—and not a moment too soon! The Sucker Punch star has met with the FBI as part of an investigation into an alleged hacker ring that has been able to penetrate the firewalls of other nubile celebs such as Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and Ali Larter to hunt for racy pictures on their hard drives. Which apparently all of the reported targets supposedly have. Wait a minute. Why doesn't someone investigate why famous women insist upon taking nude photos of themselves? They should just wait for the inevitable Maxim or GQ spread!
BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER: Mere hours (though, in private life, it probably took a little longer) after Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas confirmed that their five-month fling was no longer feasible, the Twilight star was spotted cozying up to Jared Followill, the bassist from yet another fraternal band, Kings of Leon. She even took him along to hang with her dad on St. Patty's Day.
PAGING RANDY QUAID: Master tweeter Charlie Sheen's initial ticket sales were so promising—he sold out Radio City Music Hall, for Adonis' sake—that he and his coven are planning to take the Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option show to Canada. There goes the Good Neighbor policy. Plus, get some exclusive deets about the tour, as well as an update on how things are between Sheen and his grown-up daughter, Cassandra Estevez...P.S. Pete Wentz thanks him for his help...While Sheen's taking his show on the road, he may not get a chance to take his act to court...When he comes home, he's got a new $7.495 million mansion to enjoy...Across the hard-core reality divide, former good-time gal Kacey Jordan insists she wasn't trying to commit suicide when Chicago police found her bloodied and sitting amid broken glass and pills.
JAPAN AFTERMATH: Sandra Bullock donated $1 million to the American Red Cross to aid relief efforts in earthquake- and now nuclear disaster-torn Japan, while Lady Gaga crafted her own bracelets to sell for $5 apiece with all proceeds going toward the cause...Clint Eastwood's Hereafter, in which a tsunami figures prominently, was pulled from all Japanese theaters...Insurance behemoth Aflac, which does major business in Japan, cut ties with Gilbert Gottfried and his bad timing immediately after he joked about death and tidal waves on Twitter. After which, Gottfried apologized for perhaps the first time ever. 50 Cent also made flippant remarks, but no one fired him.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION: As intrepid as Anderson Cooper is, you can't blame the guy for questioning his and his crew's safety while covering the earthquake and subsequent nuclear meltdown in Japan. He probably doesn't even want to go anywhere without a Hazmat suit, let alone get completely naked. So it's a good thing Playgirl got wind of the Jake Gyllenhaal urinal incident first.
RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY: After embarrassing himself with a rant against Hannah Montana followed by a quick backpedal, Miley Cyrus' dad, Billy Ray, went on The View and revealed that things are "better than ever" with his family. And not just Miley, who insists she was just blinded by flashbulbs and not at all drunk when she was photographed stumbling outside an NYC restaurant. Billy Ray says that he has called off his divorce from wife Trish, as well.
NON-CRUEL INTENTIONS: Ryan Phillippe will support the child he conceived with Alexis Knapp, assuming a paternity test done after the baby is born confirms that it is indeed his. But not because Knapp has asked him for help or anything. She's dealing just fine, thank you.
SHE'S BAAAAAAAACK: Or so Demi Lovato informed her 2.6 million Twitter followers upon her post-treatment return to the site. We look forward to close-up pics of her "Strong" and "Stay" tats.
BLACK "FRIDAY": Latest YouTube sensation Rebecca Black is already on the defensive because the same millions of people who have made her instantaneously famous are also dissing the lack of sophistication (we're putting it nicely) of "Friday" (aka, the song that's been in your head all week). Just let the girl have her well-meaning wishes and Bieber dreams.
ROMANCE REPORT: Looks like Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger have called it quits...Same goes for Robin Wright and Hurt Locker producer Greg Shapiro...Jason London is finally divorced from Charlie Spradling and free to marry fiancée Sofia Karstens...Selena Gomez talks about the ever-understanding Justin Bieber...What's really going on between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis?
BABY BOOM: Megan Nelson, Chelsea Houska's housemate during the second season of Teen Mom 2, is now pregnant. At 19. She just made it in time to be trendy!...Bryan Adams will be a first-time father thanks to his personal assistant (and secret girlfriend!), Alicia Grimaldi...Wipehouse cohost (and former Talk Soup host) John Henson and wife Jill Benjamin are first-time parents of a son...Mel Gibson's oldest daughter, Hannah, welcomed her third child with musician hubby Kenny Wayne Shepherd.
ROYAL WAYS: Mix-up at the souvenir-crap manufacturer: Prince Harry's mug ended up on an...er, commemorative mug, with Kate Middleton...A ridiculous see-through dress that Kate wore in a charity fashion show in 2002 sold at auction for a ridiculous price...Nuts! James Blunt was only joking about playing the organ for Prince Williams' nuptials.
FEUDAL TIMES: Lisa Rinna and Star Jones have taken their Celebrity Apprentice-originated beef off-camera, albeit probably with the hopes of being on camera more...Perhaps encouraged by having to shell out a bunch of dough in a defamation case, Courtney Love appears to be back on Twitter and wreaking havoc.
LAW & DISORDER: The process seems kinda backward, considering he already entered a plea, but here's the photographic evidence that Mel Gibson was booked for assault...Stefano Langone had a run-in with the law before he tried out for American Idol...Former Social Distortion drummer Casey Royer locked up for alleged child endangerment after OD'ing in front of his 12-year-old son...Another mixed-up Madonna fan has been arrested, this time after he was found rifling through her stuff at her London home...Woman busted on Ellen DeGeneres' property gets probation...A judge finds Michael Madsen contemptible...Richard Hatch checked back into prison.
HEALTH CARE: TV on the Radio bassist Gerard Smith is suffering from lung cancer and will skip the band's upcoming tour...Seann William Scott checked into a treatment center for "health and personal issues"...Gallagher released from the hospital after suffering a heart attack.
FAREWELL: Michael Gough, actor who played butler Alfred in the Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher-helmed Batman films, died at 94.
SCREEN PLAY: Oscar nominee Jennifer Lawrence locks up the role of Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games...Hunter Parrish may join her soon...Colin Firth signs up to suck some blood in Stoker...Kevin Costner signs on as Clark Kent's dad in the Superman reboot...Darren Aronofsky leaves The Wolverine in the woods...Jodie Foster gives her Beaver star Mel Gibson rave reviews...Tom Hanks is in talks to take on the role of real-life Somali pirate-fighter Capt. Richard Phillips...Will Judd Apatow still want a straight-to-DVD Megan Fox?...Taylor Swift seeks out The Lorax...Charlie Sheen sweetheart Bree Olson is getting less naked in Mancation with Joey Fatone...The studio is trying to get the original gang back together for another American Pie sequel...Lea Michele and Ashton Kutcher smooch for New Year's Eve...Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer have also kissed for the cameras...Disney lets Robert Zemeckis' Yellow Submarine remake sink...What is happening in the first five minutes of The Source Code?...Behind the scenes of Christian Bale's Fighter transformation...Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are making it happen onscreen at least in Friends With Benefits...The Snape hits the fan at Hogwarts in a sneak peek from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2...Julia Roberts schools Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne...The Lincoln Lawyer vs. Limitless vs. Paul.
TV LAND: The Foo Fighters don't want to be Glee's monkey wrench...Billy Crystal doesn't say he won't host the Oscars again...Tiger Woods goes on a late-night talk show for the first time since his whole life landed in the rough...American Idol down to 11...Antonio "L.A." Reid close to joining Simon Cowell's X Factor...Christina Aguilera talks up her upcoming gig on The Voice, not her latest mishaps...NBC orders more Community, Parks and Recreation and The Office, even sans Steve Carell...Watch Petra Nemcova getting ready to dance With the Stars...It's March, which means it's Alpha Male Madness time. Vote for your top TV dude right here!..."Psycho" Mike Catherwood can take his shirt off on Dancing With the Stars anytime (but please, leave the pants on)...Check out Adrianne Palicki as Wonder Woman and find out what Lynda Carter thinks...Joan Rivers has finally made it...Phew, Gabe Kaplan will attend the Welcome Back Kotter reunion! He sure had us going for a minute...Tyra Banks, model wrangler in prime-time, Harvard Business School student during daytime...SPOILER ZONE!
MUSIC: Justin Bieber has been cast in wax...We all are who we are, sure, but Ke$ha's getting kinda gross...Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" shockingly (not!) censored by Malaysian radio...Keith Urban takes a cue from Kellie Pickler...We finally get to hear the fruit of the hyped Miley Cyrus-Bret Michaels collaboration...Funeral plans for former Alice in Chains bassist Mike Starr are on hold indefinitely...Alice Cooper, Neil Diamond, Tom Waits and five others were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys are teaming up on a greatest hits collection...Amandra Seyfried covers "Li'l Red Riding Hood"...Not everyone agrees with the NAACP honoring Kid Rock.
RUMOR PATROL: LeAnn Rimes has discovered a camera that takes 10 pounds off...Amanda Bynes canoodling with Liam Hemsworth is nothing new...Kate Holmes bypassed the penis-shaped gummies while at sweet shop Serendipity 3 with Suri...Eminem's daughter, Hailie Jade, is not on Twitter, make no mistake...If Chris Brown wasn't puffing on a joint while he was driving, then what was that?...An Usher sex tape is out there, somewhere.
SURREAL ESTATE: Christina Aguilera is blowing this pop stand (for $13.5 million, she hopes), as Ozzy Osbourne and family did before her.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Emma Watson is the latest Lancôme face.
COVERAGE: Eva Longoria still gets emotional discussing her divorce with Allure...Kim Kardashian puts her best Self forward...Howard Stern gives an Artie Lange update in Rolling Stone...Joe Jonas gives Details about how well things are working out with Ashley Greene. Oops...Rihanna lands among the "World's Most Beautiful Bodies" in Vogue...Chin up, David Arquette. Courteney Cox tells Harper's Bazaar she's in no rush to start dating...Zac Efron was a grounding force in Vanessa Hudgens' life, she tells Shape.
SEEN: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart watching Red Riding Hood at the only movie theater in Squamish, British Columbia...Lindsay Lohan partying soberly at SL Lounge in NYC, then attending a Knicks game with her siblings the following night...Jessica Biel seemingly enjoying a night out with friends at L.A.'s Soho House...Nick Jonas wishing Demi Lovato the best before performing at A Night at Sardi's charity benefit...Katie Holmes trying to avoid the paparazzi after a cocktail party by sneaking out of the London Terrace building in Chelsea through the basement laundry room...Real Housewife Teresa Giudice's hubby Joe enjoying a group birthday dinner for a pal at the Steakhouse at Harrah's in Atlantic City...Josh Hutcherson dropping Vanessa Hudgens off at her L.A. home after the pair took a ride on his motorcycle together (unless the pink helmet is his)...Hudgens grooving at the Rob Kardashian-hosted BG5 show at the Roxy in West Hollywood...Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her NYC apartment dressed like everybody, all at once...Halle Berry ordering in a bounce house for daughter Nahla's third-birthday party at Berry's Malibu home...Sarah Michelle Gellar carrying her 18-month-old daughter, Charlotte, on the NYC set of her new pilot, The Ringer...Snooki cozying up to an inflatable crocodile, apparently mistaking him for Vinny, while partying with her boyfriend Jionni and dad Andy at LAX in Vegas...Nicky Hilton and Adrienne Maloof celebrating Charlie Sheens' sons' second birthdays with Brooke Mueller at Kathy Hilton's house. Charlie was persona non grata at that gathering and the one thrown for his daughter Sam by Denise Richards at an L.A. gymnastic studio...Heidi Klum and Kim and Khloé Kardashian celebrating Eva Longoria's birthday at a flapper-themed bash in L.A....Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott throwing a fourth-birthday party for son Liam at their L.A. home.