Macaulay Culkin, Mila Kunis

Harrison Funk/The Jackson Family via Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Do you think it's just a coincidence that the minute Mila Kunis became the new It girl, she and Macaulay Culkin split? Was he not good enough for her high-profile life?

Dear Climbing the A-List Ladder:
Coincidence? Please. We believe in this coincidence as much as we believe in Charlie Sheen's sobriety. Mila and Macaulay have remained amicable, so we doubt the beauty gave him the boot in a malicious way, but this duo is just another example of a breakup due to sudden stardom. Moving on. How's Justin treating you, Mila?

Dear Ted:
Another Bitch-Back without Twilight gossip, my heart sings. I just figured you'd probably get a lot of lip from the fans and wanted to let you know that there are some people out there who appreciate the balance.

Dear So Over Twilight:
We always love us some good Twi goss, but Robsten have been lying super low during filming. Enjoy the break—there is bound to be tons of great goss as the release date for Breaking Dawn approaches!

Dear Ted:
Any chance King Schlong is Christian Bale?

Dear Schlong Gone:
No. Are you relieved or sad? Think much more predictably matinee idol, but just as talented.

Dear Ted:
Are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher Strippa Rip-Ya and Caesar Anchovy-Arse?

Dear Punked:
No way. Ashton hearts Demi more than we all need to know. Ever followed them on Twitter? Kinda sick!

Dear Ted:
I'm a huge fan of Lost. I miss the show so much and I was wondering if you could tell me anything about Matthew Fox. He seems a little dirty to me. Can you give me any insight?

Dear Lost in Foxyness:
Besides being deliciously sexy, Matthew has been busy in London, as he makes his U.K. stage debut. As for his past, M.F. has def gone on the record about his troubled days growing up. The actor admits to an incredibly "reckless" childhood in his small town in Wyoming, and he credits his father's decision to send him to boarding school with saving his life. Good thing, because Matthew is far too talented and much too sexy to be out of the spotlight! Oh, and for the record, he has carried some of his naughtiness from childhood well into adulthood. I'll let you ponder on that yummy thought.

Dear Ted:
Your article about Jessica Biel is sophomoric and idiotic drivel. Stop wasting my time with your inane bitching.

Dear OK:
Since you asked, I'll no longer drive over to your condo (that needs some serious redecorating, I always meant to mention that), and force you by hand to log onto your computer and read all my silly drivel.

Dear Ted:
Where has Toothy Tile been lately?

Dear Times Are Good:
Ascending. And since Toothy recently decided to break the beard habit (if only for a sec), we have high hopes.

Dear Ted:
Is Armie Hammer a Blind Vice? If not, do you think he will be someday?

Dear Duh:
No. Yes.

Dear Ted:
Well, a number of months ago I contacted E! Online (US), and I told you I was not dating Brad Pitt. I would just like to clarify; I wish I was dating him. Thank you!
Angelina Jolie

Dear Don't Buy It:
Sorry sweetie, but impersonating Angelina Jolie may take a bit more than an email. And you're far too chipper. Go shoot up some heroin, starve yourself, steal somebody's husband, win an Oscar and get back to us.

Dear Ted:
Let's say Robsten were to break up tomorrow (Don't freak, just hypothetically), do you think they'd make an announcement? I mean, how are we to ever know if they're not together anymore when we never officially knew if they ever were. How would that work?

Dear Worried About Robsten:
Trust, we would know if Robsten broke up. These two can't escape the constant press surrounding them, no matter how low-key they try to remain. If photos and sightings of these two stop for any reason, we will be first to let you know. But first, let's breathe a sigh of relief: Robsten are so together and as in love as ever. That's a good thing, right?

Dear Ted:
You said, about Cruella St. Shackles and her ex: "Jeez. Must be nice. Get all the money you can from the last cuckolded dude while you're still taking it from the current one!" Does that mean that both Cruella's ex and her current one are cuckolds, i.e. she cheated on both? I don't remember that bit. Also, I thought alimony payments stopped when you got married to someone else?

Dear Overly Precise:
I never mentioned anything about the prior relationship being a marriage. There are also many ways to cheat. Maybe it wasn't always an affair—just a romp, or six, that nobody necessarily ever knew about.

Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong Jason Statham? He definitely seems to have the "I am the s--t" attitude you were talking about, and he can most definitely command a room, as well as bedroom.

Dear Almost Agreed:
Yep, Jason definitely shares the right ‘tude with King, just not their bedroom escapades—at least not that I'm aware.

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Blake Lively? I admire her for not being an "attention whore," yet she steals the stage wherever she goes. Do you think she's cocky? Or is she really as sweet as she looks? And why did you say she's not a "decent movie actress"?

Dear Bored Over Blake:
Can't quite put my finger on it. She's got the looks, she's got the talent, hell, she sure has the costars! But still, she seems to be lacking a certain cinematic fire. Kinda icy inside, know what I mean? She really is the new Gwyneth Paltrow.

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