While an all-too-real and terrifying disaster in Japan (our thoughts and prayers are with the victims) immediately stops all previous flippant comparisons of Sheen to a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or tsunami dead in their tracks, the fact that his hold on the nation only grew tighter as the weeks have gone by—as he went from news item to horror story to cautionary tale and talking point—is certainly noteworthy.
What can we say, he's the gift that keeps on giving. Or he's the icing on the cake that's giving us a stomach ache.
SHEENANIGANS: The Sheenster certainly managed to capitalize on being fired (though his quest for the $100 million he wants from Warner Bros. and Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre is a saga that has only just begun). He's moving, he's shaking—and that's just before he leaves the house! No, really, the machete-borrowing actor has already inked a deal for a line of slogan-slathered merchandise, he's got live shows coming up in the Midwest, he's in talks about a reality show, and he's still charming the socks off of his Major League producer with his charming, "straight-arrow" ways. Plus, he cut a custody deal, the cops didn't find anything criminal-offensible at his pad when they searched it after getting a call from a tipster, and it only seemed as if one of the goddesses got her panties in a twist and walked out. She's back. Everyone's great! #WINNING
CRYER FOR HELP: Sheen's biggest wrong move on a personal level was dissing costar Jon Cryer (although he at least had the decency to give E! the exclusive), who has been nothing but gracious in not slamming Sheen for taking a flame-thrower to the biggest sitcom on TV. Instead, Cryer's going about it in his own charming, humorous way, popping up on Ellen, admitting to his troll roots on Conan and otherwise keeping his head down, as is Angus T. Jones. Some of Sheen's other castmates appear more saddened than angered by the situation, but a lot of crewmembers may not have that luxury. And they haven't even been "apol"-ed to, as Cryer has.
LOH-DOWN: Lindsay Lohan was back in court in a body-hugging, nude (fine, we'll call it taupe) minidress over black tights. She then eschewed the proffered deal and continued to plead not guilty to felony theft, perhaps with an eye on amassing more designer duds and accessories to last an entire trial. Lohan might also be planning a suck-it suit against the jewelry store she's accused of trying to rip off for releasing her surveillance tape to one media outlet and, therefore, the world. Meanwhile, if you want the necklace Lindsay allegedly stole, you have to be the highest bidder.
WHERE IS THE LOVE: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are apparently over after nearly four years of various stages of togetherness. Sources (and photographs) would have us believe that JT already has his eye on Mila Kunis—who did not want to take up with the star when he was taken. Smart move. You know what happens to accused man-stealers in this town, don't you? They have six kids, are paid millions of dollars and get a team named after them!
SAD LOSSES: Mike Starr, a founding member of Alice in Chains who aired his substance-abuse troubles on Celebrity Rehab, died of as-yet unknown causes at 44...Last Comic Standing finalist Mike DeStefano, who mined his days as a heroin addict for comedy, died of a heart attack at 44.
TSUNAMI SCARES: After the devastation in Japan, most of the Pacific was on tsunami watch, prompting evacuations on the sets of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Hawaii 5-0 and other productions. As you can imagine, celebrities (including Charlie) were out in force tweeting their concerns and posting links to donation sites.
WRIST SLAP: Mel Gibson pleaded no contest to battering Oksana Grigorieva last year in front of their baby daughter Lucia. He gets probation, counseling and community service with a children's foundation that he and his ex-wife have supported for years. And The Beaver looks pretty good. Do we hear "comeback"?! On the other side of the sweet deal is Grigorieva, who will not be charged with attempted extortion for whatever her motive was for recording Gibson's rants, and she's allowed to record any communication between them that could constitute a violation of her order of protection.
BACK OFF: Miley Cyrus wasn't going to let anything spoil her high from a Bieberific turn on Saturday Night Live, dammit, so she got right back in the paparazzi's face after they jostled her mom, Trish.
HEALING: Demi Lovato thanks fans for their support in a new video as she continues to piece herself back together after checking out of the biz for awhile.
CLOSE CALL: We're happy to report that Jewel and her unborn son are safe and sound after her car was hit by a firetruck on a Texas highway...Police confirm that neither drugs nor alcohol were a factor in David Arquette's recent wreck...The family of Slumdog Millionaire actress Rubina Ali lost their Mumbai home in a fire.
WEB OF CONFUSION: At press time, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is scheduled to open on June 14, three months after the previous delayed start time, with Julie Taymor no longer in the director's chair.
SKELETON IN THE ROYAL CLOSET: Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, has expressed her deepest regrets over previous financial dealings with a U.S. businessman who is now a convicted pedophile.
REBOUND BOY: Ashlee Simpson has been spotted looking cozy with Pete Wentz's favorite artist of 2010, Craig Owens. Hey, everyone needs a hand to squeeze when her soon-to-be ex wants, er, joint custody. The bastard, daring to ask for equal time with his son.
BABY TALK: Martha Stewart is a grandma after daughter Alexis welcomed a daughter...Guy Ritchie is pursuing fatherhood with pregnant girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley...True Blood hunk Sam Trammell and girlfriend Missy Yager are expecting twins.
ENGAGEMENT RING: Jay Baruchel said "f--k it" and asked Alison Pill to marry him...Jesse James had no comment about the ring on his left hand...We probably still don't know who's designing Kate Middleton's wedding gown.
UNHITCHING POST: Olivia Wilde files for divorce from Italian royal Tao Ruspoli...Tony Danza files for divorce from Tracy Robinson after 24 years, five of them separated...Sophie Monk revealed that her engagement to Jimmy Esebag is off.
HEALTH CARE: Watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher is recovering from a heart attack after collapsing during a performance in Minnesota...Annette Funicello, who has MS and is confined to a wheel chair, is said to be in good condition after suffering smoke inhalation in a fire at her L.A. home.
LAW & ORDER: A guy was busted for trespassing on Charlie Sheen's property. If he had just waited long enough, perhaps one of the goddesses would have invited him in for chocolate milk...The David Cassidy-ousting Richard Hatch was ordered back to prison, but the whole season of Celebrity Apprentice is already in the can, minus the finale, so Donald Trump probably doesn't care too much...Felicia "Snoop" Pearson of The Wire is being held without bail for her alleged role in a multi-state heroin and marijuana ring...D'Angelo gets out of hooker-solicitation case by cutting a deal...Rose McGowan secures a permanent restraining order against an alleged stalker, as does Sharon Stone...Jeff Conaway and his longtime girlfriend succeed in temporarily restraining each other...Quentin Tarantino wants to plant Alan Ball's exotic birds six feet under...Nick Cannon's brother Gabriel arrested after an alleged business deal-gone-wrong...An intrepid car enthusiast took off with Guy Fieri's Lamborghini...Hair-extension purvery drops its beef with Paris Hilton...New Orleans cops called to the scene of a Nicolas Cage scene.
MUSICAL NOTES: Shades of Beatlemania when Justin Bieber's presence caused a near-riot in Liverpool...Speaking of which, here's a sneak peek at Selena Gomez's "Who Says" video...Rihanna reunites with Chelsea Handler after possible birthday-party diss...50 Cent donates his Gadhafi-linked dollars to charity...Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't cut a record deal, yet...Phil Collins is still in the air and not the wind...Kim Kardashian's debut single didn't impress Jenelle Evans...Sony being sued over Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man."
SCREEN PLAY: The Awful Truth is hard at work casting The Hunger Games...Adam Sandler is alive and well, despite the Twitterverse's best efforts...Catherine Hardwicke would love to work with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart again...After his next two movies, Steven Soderbergh is done...Ooh, a deleted scene from The Switch!...A little extra from The Next Three Days...Cameron Diaz is burning through the male faculty in Bad Teacher...Aw, Puss in Boots is just as cute as ever...Cars 2 looks like fun for the whole family...Kung Fu Panda 2's got the moves...Mars Needs Moms vs. Red Riding Hood vs. Battle: Los Angeles.
TV LAND: John Stamos replacing Charlie Sheen remains a long shot and Rob Lowe is an impossibility...Casey Abrams hospitalized again as American Idol voters drop Ashthon Jones...Teen Mom 2's Leah and Corey are doing just fine...Julianne Moore has been cast as Sarah Palin in HBO's Game Change...No word on who will play Kathy Griffin during the Palin-Griffin cage match...Marc Anthony joins Hawthorne full-time...How I Met Your Mother on the bubble no more...Lily Allen has opened up about her miscarriage and other struggles in a U.K.-produced documentary for Channel 4...Ramon Rodriguez is the new Bosley on the Charlie's Angels reboot...In our casting round-up for next season's pilots, who scored the biggest get?!...Simon Cowell reviews American Idol...Russell Hantz masterminded nothing but his own demise on Survivor: Redemption Island...Jeff Probst isn't letting his great gig go...Greg Giraldo was remembered but probably everything else was in hilariously bad taste at the Donald Trump roast...Are LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian prime-time material?...Michaele Salahi is no longer welcome on Celebrity Rehab...Brad Womack couldn't believe how the girls ganged up on an in-denial Michelle during the Women Tell All special...Alpha Male Madness has begun!...SPOILER ZONE!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Kate Winslet is perfectly kissable in Lancôme lipstick...Target, for one, is surprised that Lady "don't be a drag, be a queen" Gaga doesn't want to be in business after all...Jennifer Aniston wisely makes a Smartwater "sex tape"...If you're leaving for the night and not coming back (and planning on getting a little bit tipsy), it might behoove you to take a Kesha-faced condom along...Blake Lively is Chanel and everyone else's lady of the hour...Emma Watson is taking a break from Brown to focus on fashion 'n' stuff.
COVERAGE: Britney Spears tells Out she only loves boys and is completely supportive of boys who love boys...Amanda Seyfried acknowledges Ryan Phillippe and cradles a goose in Elle...Kate Winslet goes Gwen Stefani platinum for British Vogue...Cosmopolitan named Russell Brand its latest Fun Fearless Male.
SEEN: Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgård dinner-dating with friends at Sushi Roku in Los Angeles...Tom Brady and his controversial ponytail celebrating Carnival in Rio de Janeiro with Gisele...Kanye West's middle finger flipping at the Givenchy show during Paris Fashion Week...Rob and Kristen walking and holding hands—and perhaps even chewing gum at the same time—in Vancouver...Suri Cruise pacifying on the streets of Vancouver...Kim Kardashian and little sis Kylie Jenner chowing down at the Paris in Vegas.