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    Bitch-Back! What's Dirty Brad Doing While Angie Plays House in France?

    Brad Pitt NATIONAL PHOTO GROUP

    Dear Ted:
    What is going on with Brad Pitt? Is there something new happening in his life or just the same problems? He looks rough!
    —mduffe

    Dear Frumpy Slump:
    Quite the opposite. Pitt just returned to the States to start filming his newest crime thriller flick, Cogan's Trade, in New Orleans. Reports say the actor was in high spirits, even if he was rocking some not-so-hot, slicked-back hair and sideburns. He's always got some weird hair situation going on—we've come to terms, so should you. At least the dude's got a smile on. Must be ‘cause of the new project, or maybe it's getting out of those tight French quarters with Angie for a bit? Rumor has it his parents are saying adieu to the U.S. and moving in with the Euro-settling couple. Hmmm, trouble in fam-land, Brad?

    Dear Ted:
    In all this Charlie Sheen ridiculousness, where are Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez? Maybe I missed something, but they seem awfully quiet. They all need to get on that Intervention show. Hugs to you and your pets!
    —Jenna

    TWITTER: Follow @theawfultruth

    Dear Ex Team Sheen:
    Perfect example of easier said than done, hon. You try getting someone off a drug they are naming after themselves—no intervention show will fix that kind of a problem. Plus, I don't how much Martin and Emilio are into the whole having their faces melt off thing. Distance from Charlie, and any TV, may do a little good for Martin's and Emilio's sanity.

    Dear Ted:
    Any gossip on Glee's newest heartthrob Darren Criss? I've seen interviews from his Star Kid days, and he seems like a really great, fun guy.
    —Ashley

    Dear Star Kid Smitten:
    You mean aside from kissing costar Lea Michele? Onset, of course! The dude hasn't been spotted in any risqué adventures lately. He just celebrated his 24th birthday, and it didn't appear anything short of gleeful. Darren's enjoying his fifteen minutes, and we're all hoping it's way longer than that. 

    Dear Ted:
    Please share your thoughts on Mila Kunis. It's not that I don't like her, but everyone's saying she's really sweet and all, but I don't think so. I don't know why, but it seems to me she's kinda phony, but maybe I'm wrong. And what about Macaulay Culkin? Are they really over? Who do you think would be a good match for her, next? (Justin Timberlake?)
    —Nikki

    Dear Swan Phony:
    Mila is a doll, or at least she totally looks like it from all her TV and movie roles and red carpet outings. The girl is normal, for Hollywood standards, by far. You won't catch her in a famous-person-fiasco, and that's probably why you've totally got her wrong. Flying under the radar while on your high horse is brilliant of her right now, even if it makes her seem a sham—less room for rumors. Pretty sure this babe is moving onto better things after Macaulay. Like, let's say, her career. Who cares about men when you're making millions!

    Dear Ted:
    Please tell me about Jackie Bouffant's film career. Is he successful or is he making flop after flop? Also, what do you think of Jessica Lowndes for the part of Katniss Everdeen?
    —kitschdarling

    Dear Vices and No Dices:
    Oh, he's a flopster for sure. It's too bad since he's adorable. Anyway, Lowndes is gorge, but not enough olive in that complexion of hers. Plus, I just get a sick feeling in my stomach picturing Adrianna from 90210 trying to maneuver around this role. Whoever lands this gig is set for a challenge that's for sure.

    Dear Ted:
    Are Strippa Rip-Ya and Caesar Anchovy Arse Céline Dion and René Angélil?
    —nsdllc

    Dear On It:
    You're getting close, hon. Real close.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm stumped by Dick Wadd! So he's an actor nominated for an Oscar this year, and doesn't live in L.A., who has a lot of clout! The attitude sounds like Sean Penn or Scott Rudin...What am I missing?
    —kdavis56

    Dear Dick Who:
    Wrong. Dick is not that visible on the H'wood scene right now. He's just as fierce as those two dudes, but not flaunting it.

    Dear Ted:
    I have to say that as much as Miley Cyrus' behavior bothers me, it doesn't exactly surprise me. She seems to be in good company with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. I'm talking about stage mothers. That girl has a mother that seems to be her buddy and more invested in herself than her kid's well-being. Am I right about this Ted?
    —bubbleyumsteph

    Dear Uh, Duh:
    Where have you been, doll? That revelation about Tish as a stage mom is like four years past due. Thing is, not sure if mama Cyrus can really measure up to Brit and LiLo's mothers dearest. Those women are piranhas. Seem to me that it's more Miley acting up and straying from the fam that is getting her into some risky kind of behavior.    

    Dear Ted:
    My new rescue pup, Cupcake, and I wonder why Andrew Niccol is out as director on Stephenie Meyer's non-Twilight movie, The Host. Was it his idea to bail or did Stephenie Meyer decide she wanted someone else?
    —Liz and Cupcake

    Dear Meyer Mania:
    Last I checked Susanna White was set to direct The Host and Niccol had adapted the novel into screenplay. Basically he's putting in just as much work, but White did do pretty well with Nanny McPhee Returns, so I guess we will just have to wait and see whether this sci-fi movie can compete with the amazingness of Twilight. Crossing my fingers it doesn't majorly flop.

    Dear Ted:
    Is John Travolta Fey Oiled-Tush?
    Jenna

    Dear Blunt:
    No.

    Dear Ted:
    The title of your Lucretia Johnson Blind got me thinking, Has Lucrectia had "relations" with our favorite nasty crapper Super-Dooper Cooper?
    —Vice Detective

    Dear Better Than Sherlock:
    Depends on the type of "relations" you're inquiring about.

    Dear Ted:
    Is King Schlong Alexander Skarsgård? I don't see him being 100 percent serious about Kate Bosworth, and if he's the least bit proportionate, the moniker should fit.
    —V

    Dear Just the Right Size:
    By far, one of the best Schlong-y guesses to date. Props, doll. But it ain't A.Skars. You're getting there though.

    Dear Ted:
    I am Ryan Reynolds' No. 1 fan. I am old enough to be his mom, but I think that Ryan is fabulous. He is not at the top of his game yet, but his acting gets better and better with every movie. His work ethic is impeccable. What is the rating on Green Lantern ? Get him some support, he needs to know he is loved and admired by many.
    —sallyreo

    Dear Ryniac:
    Since the flick doesn't come out until June, we have a ways to wait on real ratings. I hope you're right and that Ryan proves he's getting better with each movie role. I mean, if he can manage to make Blake Lively look like a semi-decent movie actress, then I'll give him five stars. And don't worry, he's got a huge fan base already, but if he didn't, you and his hot new GF Agnes Fischer would be more than enough!

    Dear Ted:
    Have you bought your Charlie Sheen "winning" T-shirt yet? If so, why don't you wear it on Truth, Lies & Ted?
    —marymccuish

    Dear Losing So Hard:
    No warlock here. I just want the man to get some help is all.

    MORE: Get even more juicy answers here in the Bitch-Back section!

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