To all the goddesses, trolls, whales and warlocks who have been following Charlie Sheen's personal Ragnarok: I have a present for you.
For days, you've been packing my inbox with questions about Sheen. Here, for the first time, I will answer them all.
This shall be the definitive Charlie Sheen FAQ: Everything you ever wanted to know about, in one handy place. You're welcome:
Why is Charlie Sheen not in jail or under investigation? He can beat women, make threats, verbally abuse adults and children in his rants and NO ONE does anything about it.
—Donar, via the inbox
Not quite true. The 2009 domestic violence that Sheen imposed on Brooke Mueller resulted in an arrest and a plea deal. And recently, a judge slapped a restraining order on Sheen and whisked his youngest kids, twins Max and Bob, away from the Sober Valley Lodge.
And finally, just this week, cops searched Sheen's place—and confiscated an antique gun. Not exactly hard time in the slammer for Sheen, but when you're surrounded by trolls, life is hard enough.
Has absolutely no one considered that Charlie Sheen has a very real mental illness? The problem is that most people are not educated about mental illness.
—Shellanne, via the inbox
Of course people have considered it. But it's irresponsible to diagnose a warlock before he's been examined by a qualified psychiatrist. That said, Sheen has denied he is bipolar. Then again, that may have just been his manic side talking. No comment from the depressive side.
Does anyone else really care about Charlie Sheen, apart from Charlie Sheen himself?
—Caz, via the inbox
Judging from the number of people reading this right now, yes.
Did Charlie Sheen die?
—Meev00Z, via the inbox
Not yet No.
Did Charlie Sheen get fired?
—89Mal, via the inbox
Did Charlie Sheen really shoot Kelly Preston?
—JN, via the inbox
Yes. By accident. In 1990.
Did Charlie Sheen really lose his teeth?
—BrO, via the inbox
Is Charlie Sheen a Mexican?
—Bose, via the inbox
He is part Spanish via the Estevez side of his family.
Could Charlie Sheen be broke? (Please be true! Please be true!)
—Malone S., via Facebook
Maybe. But he also has a significant cash flow thanks to residuals from Two and Half Men. How big of a flow? If you're thinking eight figures, you're thinking too small.
Hi! Can you make sure Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson have plenty of cigarettes? Tell them to smoke eight packs a day if they feel like it.
—Rbbsmom, via the inbox
Tell him yourself; don't you know that Sheen has a Twitter account with more than two million followers?
Is Charlie Sheen's meltdown comparable to any other celebrity meltdowns we have seen, or is the most extreme ever?
—Kami L., via Facebook
That's a matter of opinion, but the answer is, probably. Mel Gibson suffered quite a public dethroning, but he never let us witness it on Twitter.