Charlie Sheen: Ready for Top Chef: Masters or Just Half-Baked?

Actor spoofs his own rants and the crazy lingo he's been using in a new cooking video called Winning Recipes

When he's not frying coworkers and burning bridges, Charlie Sheen apparently likes to dabble in the culinary arts.

Such is the premise of the Chuckster's brand-new Funny or Die video, Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes, where he plays a crazy chef complete with a tiger-striped toque.

And what's going down in Charlie's kitchen?

Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

"Yes, I'm doing a coooking show," he says. "Why? Because if you haven't noticed I'm winning television right now. My plan is to be the first person to have made an appearance on every television network. Just like I was the first person to get one million Twitter followers in 24 hours. Like I was the first person to build my own rocketship to Cassiopeia using only my mind tools.

"Here I come, Food Network."

"Face it, I am living the life of a rock star Vatican assasin," the chain-smoking Sheen says before deciding to use his outdoor cooking area "because the spirits of my Adonis ancestors can fly above me and breathe fire on to the meal."

Referring to a spatula as a "cooking wand" and a bowl a "cauldron of awesomeness," he tosses a tomato in and declares it a "tomato winning salad."

"Winners stalk and kill their own food without earthly weapons," he says. "I'm not some mouth-breather at a drive through, gorging my pie hole on mass produced monkey grub. My body is a lockbox of diamonds, uranium and assassin nobility."

He drinks "tea" made from ground dinosaur fossils and then makes a steak.

"I don't cook food, I will it," he says, finsihing off his dish with the secret ingredient: "Charlie Sheen."

"Mmm," he says, "tastes like winning."

Um, yum?