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    What's Charlie Sheen Really On?

    Charlie Sheen ABC NEWS

    Anyone who's been following Charlie Sheen's machete press conferences know he's been a little, well, not bi-winning, just off.

    But, it's not what you think! Charlie's been proclaiming to anyone who will listen—which is, unfortunately for us, the world—that he is clean and off drugs, even showing us drug tests to prove it.

    So that must be true, right? Well...

    TROLL ALERT: Two and a Half Men Crew on Team Cryer!

    Hypothetically speaking, of course, if a guy wanted to pass a drug test, there are tons of easy ways to do it.

    Just check out the website Passadrugtest (that even has its own special Charlie Sheen section). There are loads of cleansers and shampoos, hell, even ways to beat blood tests.

    Could it be possible that's why the dude seems so whacked?

    Char obviously says no. The only drug Charlie Sheen's on is...Charlie Sheen! We'll let him explain:

    "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

    Charming.

    Look, we're not saying Sheen is racking lines with those goddesses in his house, but there's definitely something more to Sheens Corner and such bon mots as "the warlock is hungry...hungry for corporate flesh."

    Yeah, that's totally sober lingo if we've ever heard it. Or what about this: Is Sheen just completely effing with all of us?

    The dude is nuts, yeah, but we think he's overplaying his trademark phrases, sitting back laughing with a woman on either side of him, maybe throwing back a brew or two while he has his bitches blog for him, while we meticulously attempt to decipher what, exactly, he said.

    In other words, it's a game called Two and a Half Equals a Load of Zeros.

    WATCH: Sheen has a machete

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