Pandering to a crowd of nobody cares, Russell Hantz turned on the waterworks at tonight's Survivor: Redemption Island duel.
But were they tears of victory or defeat?
Buh-bye, Russell! Survivor's greatest villain couldn't "keep hope alive" at Redemption Island after the "buncha bitches" on his Zapatera tribe threw a challenge to oust him from the game.
Crybabyitis: Boston Rob coined the term crybabyitis after passing out in Heroes vs. Villains—because he was working so hard to feed, shelter and win challenges for his tribe, including Russell. While Rob never actually shed a tear, Russell blubbered like a baby after losing tonight's duel to Matty. (Who was playing to "honor his God," while Russell was playing to honor...what? H&M douche hats?) What did Jeff mean by saying, "Russell, you have bared your soul out here in ways that very few have"? Russell bared a lot of things in Survivor—including his crack, a "pus-filled rash" and a bald head when Sandra burned his fedora—but we never saw evidence of a soul. Russell deserved the victory in Samoa and played a great game for third place in Heroes vs. Villains, but he doesn't have enough Craftsman™ tools in his arsenal to compete with people who know his schtick. "This is my last time playing this game," Russell declared, to which we say, "OK then, move along sir." His era is over and he will not be missed. Should Boston Rob threaten to leave us forever, we'll be the ones suffering from a serious case of crybabyitis.
Did Someone Say "Shambo"? Like last season's Medallion of Power, Burnett & Co.'s rapid response team put an end to the buzz-killing random drawings for spectator seats at the Sprint™ Redemption Island Arena. Tonight's tree mail therefore instructed the Castaways to award duel tickets via the method of their choosing, including drawing, Rochambeau (rock, paper, scissors) or "civilized" discussion. Because criminal/schoolteacher/special agent Phillip Sheppard is going deep undercover, he volunteered and persuaded Kristina to join him. Big mistake on Rob's part not to insist that someone from his alliance join Phillip instead, but he was busy devising his own plans to find the Sears Craftsman™ Hidden Immunity Idol.
Fried Chicken: Ralph earned our respect not by accidentally finding the Barely Hidden Immunity Idol but by keeping mum about his treasure. So why reveal it now, when his alliance has a 6-2 majority over Russell rejects Krista and Stephanie? Unfortunately, once the rooster started crowing, he couldn't stop, and his braggadocio backfired before a crowd of interested spectators at the Sprint™ Redemption Island Arena. Tribe "leader" ("she's in charge"?!) Sarita's attempt at damage control was no match against human lie detector Phillip. (Maybe it's time to remove that question mark from his "former federal agent" title now, CBS?) While Phillip can detect a lie, he cannot tell one, so now everyone knows Ralph has the Idol. It won't take long for this rooster to be cooked.
Royal Treatment: While Russell and Ralph were playing show and tell, Rob was devising another game of his own: Royal Treatment—really an elaborate hoax to get his tribemates far away from camp so he could search for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Brilliant—and something only Awesome Rob could pull off. Professing a desperate need for the nonroyal kind of throne, Rob hightailed it back to camp and, using more effort than it deserved, found the new Idol in a tree. Not a moment too soon: Rob can't avoid Tribal Council—the powerhouse Zapatera tribe is too strong to voluntarily lose challenges—and the smaller his tribe gets, the more vulnerable he becomes.
"A Little Disruptive": Most vulnerable right now—after Kristina, who will surely have some interesting conversations with Matt on Redemption Island—is Phillip. We don't need Rob to tell us that Zapatera's "utter malice towards him [is] palpable"—frankly, we don't think we could tolerate him for 15 seconds. But oh how we love him on our TVs, and it will be devastating when field sanitation medalist goes undercover at Redemption Island next week.
Wardrobe Malfunction We're no fans of Phillip's "saggy-bottom panties" either, but it's uncool of Rob to suggest that the fluorescent briefs bear the Sheppard Stamp of Approval: "Who comes on Survivor and wears pink tighty-whities?" Rob obviously wasn't watching the young La Flor tribe prance around camp in their CBS-assigned Day-Glo underwear at the opening of Survivor: Nicaragua.