Bitch-Back! Is Sean Penn a Good Guy?

Readers wonder if Sean is good enough for Scarlett

Dear Ted:
I am absolutely fascinated by Sean Penn. He is a tremendous actor who seems to be genuinely interested in helping others (New Orleans, Haiti). Yet I doubt either of his ex-wives would describe him as a nice guy. What do you think of him and Scarlett Johansson?
—KK

Dear Penn Patrol:
Hey, aren't the hot ones usually jerks? I think Sean has a temper, but I think he can be a good guy, too. Maybe he doesn't treat gals the best all the time, but they know what they are getting into. I think Scarlett could be his match. Oh, and for the record, why isn't anybody asking about Sean's welfare in all this? He may be older than Scarlett, but older doesn't always know better, and Scarlet's an awfully artful dater.

Dear Ted:
I've been reading your latest Bitch-Backs and in one of them you say that John Mayer was the exception in all T.Swift's relationships. Why is that?
—Nikki

Dear Mystery:
I think she was drawn to him for different reasons. He's a very bad boy, after all. Definitely no Jake Gyllenhaal or Taylor Lautner. I also think she was being quite naive there.

Dear Ted:
I am curious about country music stars. They somehow manage to stay out of the tabloids (for the most part). My question is about Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. They are nauseatingly cute together and I know she stood by him during his drinking days. Please tell me these two are Vice-free!
—K

Dear Country Crooner:
Well, you're very wrong on one thing: Country stars have the biggest secrets of them all! But as for Tim and Faith, those two have a pretty good relaysh as far as Hollywood and our Vice section is concerned. They're no Keith and Nicole, for example.

Dear Ted:
There's no doubt in my mind that Charlie Sheen is mentally disturbed and needs some serious help. But I can't help but wonder, is he playing up some of this "craziness" for media attention or is he for real?
—Curious

Dear Smarty Pants:
Ding ding ding! I definitely think Charlie has mental issues, especially psychological ones that happen after years of substance abuse, but right now I think he's the one laughing at us. He's selling and marketing himself buh-rilliantly. And he's so f--king with us.

Dear Ted:
I read The Hunger Games series just recently and loved it! I am now more afraid than ever of it being turned into a film. I'm really scared that it will be turned into some teen movie because that is not at all what the story is. What is the word on Hollywood? PS, Hunter Parrish for Peeta!
—Kayla

Dear Worrywart:
Have the same reservations, babe, the script is super, super under wraps right now. I think as long as they have a good screenwriter, we're looking good. Please let's not have another Twilight saga repeat—as far as the dismal writing goes (of course, look at what Melissa Rosenberg had to work with; it's hard to blame her). Hunger could be killer if that major problem's avoided. And hell ya, Hunter for Peeta!

Dear Ted:
Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have long described themselves as being friends. Nonetheless, the girls that Leo dates strike me as possibly insecure and rather girly. How do they react to his closeness to the lovely Kate? Does it ever cause friction, or do they know better than to challenge him on it?
—D

Dear Just Friends:
Um, I think a lot of the girls Leo dates may not have as much substance to be insecure. Personally I think he and Kate would be Hollywood's hottest power couple, but unfortunately she's too much woman for him! Leo likes the models, not Oscar winners. Shame, too!

Dear Ted:
I'm guessing that Strippa Rip-Ya is multi-talented. Do Strippa Rip-Ya and Caesar Anchovy-Arse work in the same industry?
—talented

Dear Overlap:
They certainly cross paths, sure.

Dear Ted:
So am I off on this or not: Judas Jack-Off and Jason Manns? I know JJO is boring for now, but there are so many of us out here waiting and watching, watching and waiting. And what about Dash? Is he boring, too?
—L

Dear Not Quite:
Sorry, L, Judas isn't Jason. And yes, Dash is pretty friggin' boring, as well.

Dear Ted:
So, now that the Oscars are over, any idea on the man leaving his wife? I first thought was Colin Firth, but after his adorable speech, I thought, nah.
—Quizzical

Dear Big Reveal:
I'm sure after all the hype, said couple decided to squash that plan—for now, at least. But come on, you know another big divorce is around the corner.

Dear Ted:
 Wondering if Caesar Anchovy-Arse has a case of short man's syndrome, among other things. Strippa clearly is not only a bigger star but just bigger in height, weight and talent, wouldn't you say?
—B

Dear Size Matters:
Absolutely. Wait, short man syndrome physically or emotionally?