Ah, it feels so good to write—almost as good as it feels to say! Thank you, Charlie Sheen, for that.
Apparently bored to death by this year's baffling Oscar ceremony, the suddenly out-of-work actor took it upon himself to entertain a nation with monologues and twists of phrase that no team of writers could have come up with. Screw hosting. Sheen should pen all the acceptance speeches next year!
How great would it be if everyone got up and thanked themselves for being so AWESOME?
But without further ado, we bring you more news and vintage balderdash:
APOCALYPSE NOW?: If this Two and a Half Men thing doesn't pan out—what do you think is going to happen?—Charlie Sheen has serious potential as a motivational speaker. Actually, he could found an entire religion at the rate he's going. The outlandish radio interviews that contributed to his show being suspended were just the tip of the iceberg. He promised exclusive glory to ABC News, but proceeded to hit up NBC's Today, CNN's Piers Morgan Tonight, an E! News cell phone and The Howard Stern Show before you could say "tune in Tuesday for a special 20/20." Even if publicist resigned. Then, perhaps getting a frog in his throat, he joined Twitter and rocketed (you know, thanks to all the rocket fuel coursing through his veins) to 1 million followers in record time. We'd consider losing custody of his twin sons (perhaps for good) and having Denise Richards keep their girls away from him to be considerable lows, but Charlie sounds like he's still on cloud nine at Sober Valley Lodge! He did seem to be back-pedaling just a bit as the week went on, eventually apologizing to John Stamos for suggesting that Men would suck if Uncle Jesse were aboard.
THUD: Oh, the Oscars. Usually our hands-down favorite awards show of the year, the 83rd Annual Academy Awards hit new lows in timing, staging, memorable moments (for positive reasons, that is) and in-memoriam disses, not all of which was due to amiable but not-right-for-the-job Anne Hathaway and too-cool-for-school James Franco. We will say this, we don't think Franco was disrespecting the moment, but he didn't have enough stage time for his Pineapple Express-glazed, devil-may-care, deadpan humor to connect with the audience. A musical ode to Hugh Jackman, who hosted two years ago and wasn't even in a movie last year? An elaborate joke about Robert Downey Jr.'s rowdy past? Intros that made no sense once an award had been handed out? We didn't know it was the chimps' year to write. But yay for The King's Speech and the other winning movies, most of which were pretty excellent. And The Wolfman was an example of strong achievement in makeup.
DRUNK TANK: Christina Aguilera was busted for public drunkenness, of all things, and locked away for a few hours along with boyfriend Matthew Rutler, who unfortunately was driving and is facing a DUI rap. The singer isn't going to be charged with any crime, hence the mug-shot that would have stayed under wraps had not E! News been so crafty!
TWINKLE TOES: The line-up for the 12th season of Dancing With the Stars once again includes one of E!'s own, Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett, who will be paired with veteran pro Louis van Amstel—and is favored to win!
TUBAL SENSATION: They aren't even an onscreen couple (thanks for reminding us, Joel McHale), let alone a real couple, and Jeff and Annie from Community still beat out House and Cuddy to be named TV's Top Couple!
HIS WORLD: Justin Bieber did indeed flip off the paparazzi after having dinner at the Grove with Selena Gomez, his grandma and newly blond Chris Brown on his 17th birthday, but at least no one punched his girlfriend in the face. And his hair sold for more than $40,000 on eBay.
Black Swan Likely GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee had the misfortune to get sucked into a conservative radio talk show host's diatribe against Hollywood types, specifically Natalie Portman, who gives a "distorted image" of single motherhood—never mind that she's engaged! To be fair, Huckabee didn't bring it up. But it still begged the question, why don't these politicians ever pick on their own party?! Lord knows, they have plenty of ammo.
COLD-HEARTED SNAKE?: Paul Abdul called 911 on the man she was out with on Valentine's Day, but later said that sometimes people argue, and they since worked things out.
LOOK OUT: David Arquette bumped his head but kept his humor intact after a head-on collision in Beverly Hills. Dragon's blood and all, considering he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he's quite lucky. We hope rather than shake something loose, the crash rattled something back into place in Arquette's stressed-out brain.
BLOOD MONEY: Mariah Carey, Usher, Beyoncé and Nelly Furtado have all copped to receiving massive paydays to perform at private concerts which, they're supposedly finding out now, were funded by coffers linked to tyrannous Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi. Several charities are now richer thanks to Usher, Beyoncé's and Furtado's hand-washing, but Mariah didn't mention anything other than being "embarrassed."
CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE: Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, insists she wasn't snorting cocaine in a picture that certainly makes her look as if she's doing just that. Via Twitter, she blamed the fancy photography on a friend whom "God will smite" in good time.
TWITTER ISSUES: Charlie Sheen doesn't have any problems, obviously, but Ashton Kutcher got hacked and James Franco's peers at Yale aren't too impressed by his Twitter prowess. And he isn't particular impressed by their lack of impression. Meanwhile, Rihanna and Ciara engaged in a quick Twitter war, aided and abetted by Perez Hilton, after Ciara referred to Ri-Ri as "not the nicest" during an appearance on E!'s Fashion Police.
FAMILY TIED: Meredith Baxter, who not too long ago came out as a lesbian, discusses abuse she claims to have suffered at the hands of ex-husband David Birney. He denies.
NOT SO MUCH: Susan Sarandon only cares about Judah Friedlander's ping-pong balls.
UNHITCHED: Melissa Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner (who is not to be confused with either Bruce Davison or Barry Bostwick) separated after 16 years of marriage.
VIVE LA FRANCE: Miranda Kerr made her post-baby return to the Paris runway at the Balenciaga show....Lady Gaga makes her catwalk debut at Thierry Mugler...Meanwhile, French authorities are planning to put the fired John Galliano on trial for allegedly making anti-Semitic remarks (punishable in France by up to six months in the bastille). Natalie Portman will not be serving as a character witness.
SCREEN PLAY: Black Swan is big at the Independent Spirit Awards...No Oscars for the Razzie winners this year...Another Breaking Dawn picture trickles forth...Julianne Hough to match Tom Cruise note for note in Rock of Ages...Abbie Cornish was nearly impaled while shooting Sucker Punch...The makers of The Hunger Games start their search for the perfect "underfed but strong" Caucasian...It looks like Kristen Stewart is going to be Snow White, but Penélope Cruz already got to be Belle...Diane Lane is flying with Superman: Man of Steel...Robert Pattinson encourages cold showers in Like Water for Elephants...Captain America's Red Skull looks scary...Tom Hanks and Tim Allen to team up in the flesh for Jungle Cruise...Blade Runner free to have a prequel and a sequel...James Franco weighs his options in this 127 Hours bonus footage...Take Me Home Tonight vs. Rango vs. Beastly vs. The Adjustment Bureau.
TV LAND: Lindsay Lohan gives her first interview in a while...Christina Aguilera landed a coaching gig on The Voice...Jimmy Fallon has an ice cream to call his own, and guess who's not happy about it...Kourtney Kardashian knocks out the competition on One Life to Live...Ellen DeGeneres throws Jon Cryer a bone...X-Factor secrets, straight from the Cowell's mouth...Elizabeth Hurley cast as Wonder Woman's archenemy in the pilot...The Kennedys will be entertaining dozens April 3-10 on Reelz Channel...Zoe Kravitz aids Madeleine Martin in rocking out on Californication...Gabe Kaplan will be absent for TV Land's Welcome Back, Kotter tribute, but John Travolta won't...Top Chef Masters revamps...Bachelor Brad Womack narrows his search to two ladies, while his ex opens up...SPOILER ZONE!
MUSIC: Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" video hatches...Hear Kim Kardashian's debut single, "Jam"... Britney Spears is super proud of Femme Fatale, featuring her latest single, "Till the World Ends"...In response to Xtina's arrest, Pink reminds people of her relatively boring private life...Cutie YouTube sensation Keenan Cahill mixes it up...Matthew Morrison brings you "Summer Rain".
LAW & ORDER: Courtney Love's volatile tweeting style proves costly...Conrad Murray's manslaughter trial pushed back a month...Alleged Jeremy London kidnapper cuts a deal...Keith Richards' daughter Theodora busted after allegedly scribbling graffiti and possessing pot. Her dad promptly bought her a car...Montana Fishburne cuts a deal, lands in rehab...Juvenile busted for pot poession. No one bought him a car.
FAREWELL: Jane Russell, singer and bombshell star of The Outlaw and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, died of respiratory failure at 89...Gary Winick, director of Bride Wars and Letters to Juliet, died of brain cancer at 49.
COVERAGE: R.Pattz picked a great time to bring up Charlie Sheen in Vanity Fair. It's always a great time to hold a crocodile, however...Katie Holmes sued Star over its unflattering cover story...In Touch Weekly's publisher is going after David Beckham for attorney fees in response to his since-dismissed libel suit
SEEN: Ryan Reynolds looking chummy with a Michelle Williams look-alike in South Africa...Johnny Depp titillating the crowd at a Rango event in Tokyo...Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn having lunch at Versailles in L.A. one day and sneaking off for a quick jaunt to Cabo San Lucas the next...Courteney Cox looking bikini-beautiful shooting Cougar Town in Oahu...Angelina Jolie meeting with refugees in Kabul, Afghanistan, on another trip as a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador...Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal having a serious-looking convo at the Vanity Fair Oscar party...Ryan Gosling and newly separated Olivia Wilde strolling around an aquarium in Cincinatti...Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick, and Joel Madden descending with their kids on the Treehouse Social Club in Beverly Hills for some other really cool kid's birthday party.