Charlie Sheen has a lot of problems. Self-confidence isn't one of them.
The (former?) Two and a Half Men star dusted himself off and turned up on not one but two morning shows today—CBS' Early Show, unsurprisingly, found itself the odd one out—and continued to declare war on both the Eye and his show's creator Chuck Lorre.
And in between all that, he spoke about how he cured himself by blinking, why soon Warner Bros. will be known as Charlie Bros., why relapsing is for weak foolish trolls and, the pièce de résistance, submitted to a blood and urine test to prove he is free from drugs.
But is he?
Well, yes, unless you count the Sheen Machine himself.
"I'm a nobleman, I'm chivalrous," he declared on Good Morning America. "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, if you try it once you will die."
He quickly delved into his thoughts on the indefinite hiatus of his sitcom, but denied that he was angry about the turn of events—in fact, throughout both interviews, Charlie routinely dismissed any suggestion that anger was an emotion that ever played into his behavior.
"Yeah, I was actually disappointed, because I thought the mistakes I made is that people misinterpret my passion for anger," he said in between drags of his cigarette before revealing his plans to sue the network.
"It's gonna cost them a lot more because they're on a battlefield. And they let their emotions and their ego…basically they strapped on their diapers. They're in breach. They're in radical breach."
When asked to confirm if he's going to file a lawsuit against them, he responded, "Wouldn't you? I don't have a job."
"People beyond myself, people a lot more important than me, are relying on that."
So what's he suing for? "Tons." So at least he's thought that through.
One part of his behavior he did show remorse for were his comments about Lorre, whom he referred to as "Haim Levine," saying he was "really upset" that people misinterpreted his words to be something anti-Semitic.
"I feel terrible about it. People who know me know there's nothing about that in my history, anywhere." But while he's upset with the way his message was delivered, he seems to stand by the content.
"I would say I'm sorry if I offended you, I didn't know you were so sensitive. Sorry if I offended you. I thought after you were wailing on me for eight years, I could take a few shots back, didn't know you were gonna take your little ball and go home," he said of Lorre.
When the speculation about whether or not he suffered from bipolar disorder was brought up, Sheen seemed aghast, denying it, but admitting that his brain "fires in a way that is not maybe from this particular terrestrial realm.
"Bipolar? I'm biwinning. I win here and I win there, now what?" he said. "I have one gear, go. I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution. Dying's for fools."
Sheen, who said he's been receiving calls of good will—but not, he made clear, advice—from Mel Gibson, Colin Farrell and Sean Penn, also discussed when he last used drugs—albeit not until he gave his view on the term.
"I use a blender, I use a vacuum cleaner…when was the last time I ingested or took drugs? 'Used' is such an AA stupid expression. I don't remember. Maybe a month ago…six weeks ago. Just a couple days before the suits rolled in and said change it, we're shutting it down."
Now, he says, he's "answered to a higher calling" and is confident he will not relapse.
"No, not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen."
Which isn't to say he doesn't remember his spiraling days fondly.
"I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to experience in their normal, boring lives. I may forget about it tomorrow, but they're going to live with that memory the rest of their lives. That's a gift, man."
Just to prove how serious he was about his sobriety, he even allowed GMA to conduct two drug tests on him Saturday afternoon, a urine test and a blood test, which tested for nine and 10 drugs, respectively. He tested negative for each.
It was then on to Today, where much of the same was discussed, along with the new nearly unbelievable bombshell that Sheen thinks he is now worthy of a massive raise.
"Everybody thinks I should be begging for my job back, and I'm just forewarn them, that it's everybody else that's gonna be begging me for their job back," he said. "I'm a man of my word. So I will finish the TV show, I'll even do season 10, but at this point, because of psychological distress, oh my god, it's three mill an episode. Take it or leave it."
When asked by the interviewer if Sheen, who currently rakes in about $2 million an episode, was genuinely demanding another six figures a week, the actor confirmed it.
"Well, yeah, look what they put me through. I'm underpaid right now, sure. If you look at the money they're making, yeah, it's ridiculous. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not special.
"People can't process me, I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."
Sheen also delved a bit more deeply into how, exactly, he cured himself with the literal blink of an eye.
"I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind," he tried to explain. "I had to unload 22 years of fiction and I just decided I don't need that any more…the fiction of AA. Silly book written by a broken down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it's one size fits all, but it didn't fit me and I got tired of subscribing to something with a five percent success rate. As a retired gambler, I need better odds than that."
Instead, he decided to do at-home rehab, though he's quick to clarify that it wasn't technically rehab since he didn't have a license.
Instead, he dubbed it a "crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge." Yes, that's his home he's talking about.
"We wouldn't allow AA to be a part of it," he said, adding that his home's success rate is already at 100 percent. "It's primary client achieved radical success."
And now ready to go into battle with CBS and Chuck Lorre.
"We're definitely at war," he told Today. "The war is they're trying to destroy my family. I take great umbrage with that. Defeat is not an option. They're trying to take all my money, and leave me with no means to destroy my family."
So how will he win? "With zeal and focus and then violent hatred."
After confirming that he never missed one day of filming (simply a few days of rehearsal, which, he made clear, didn't cost anyone any money), he pulled out a sheet of paper and addressed Lorre directly, hitting him up with several questions that he wanted answers to, including the following:
"When you were told the crew would suffer greatly by your dictatorial laziness, would you explain what you meant by, quote, they are not my problem, end quote? There are 120 people who would love to hear what you have to say about that."
He then took out the AA manual, read a passage, and demanded, "Accept me, Chuck," before hurling the book down again.
Other, um, highlights of the interview included Sheen referring to himself as having "tiger blood and Adonis DNA," and referring to people who relapse as "fools, trolls, weak, defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option, I will not."
He's also more than confident about his chances of winning against the studio that puts out Two and a Half Men, declaring, "Come Wednesday morning, they're gonna rename it Charlie Bros., not Warner Bros. Duh. Winning."
So where does all this confidence come from? His résumé, apparently.
"Guys, IMDb right there, 62 movies, a ton of success, I mean, come on bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm."
As for CBS, in addition to the buckets of money, Sheen said he wants just one thing: an apology.
"They owe me a big one," he said. "Publicly, while licking my feet."