Can someone please pass the hot sauce?
The Real Housewives of Miami debuted tonight, but instead of the extra-spicy Housewives flavor we expected from sizzling South Beach, the new show is just bland.
But although you won't find any satchels of gold (did The Real Housewives of New York City really get bumped for this?), there were a few hidden treasures in tonight's episode...
And no, we aren't talking about Scottie Pippen's shorts. (Although his "Are you just happy to see me?" appearance beside his apparently still attractive wife of 13 years, Housewife Larsa Pippen, is very distracting.)
• Lea Black first met her attorney husband, Roy Black (whose high-profile client list includes Housewife Camille Grammer's ex, Kelsey Grammer), when he defended William Kennedy Smith during his famous rape trial: Lea sat on the jury that acquitted her future hubby's client.
• Lebanese-Assyrian beauty Larsa is considered a "stick in the mud" by fellow Housewives Cristy Rice and Adriana DeMoura-Sidi because she prefers spending time with her NBA All-Star hubby and four kids over dancing at the country club with middle-aged women.
• Called "wild" by the other Housewives (but "mild" by us), Adriana found out her first marriage was over when her husband's other wife phoned her.
• PR maven Marysol Patton is an "anti-plastic surgery" ("until it gets really really bad") cougar, who discusses her budding relationship with younger Frenchman Phillippe with
Jocelyn Wildenstein her mother Elsa over a couple glasses of wine (natch).
• Elsa proclaims herself to be a "witch" in an upcoming dinner-party episode that recalls Allison DuBois' mean-drunk performance at Camille's on Beverly Hills.
• "Cuban Barbie" Alexia Echevarria's husband is...well, let's just say he will never be confused with an NBA star...
• ...like Dennis Rodman, for example, who has a hilarious cameo as one of Roy Black's less-fortunate clients.
Maybe Bravo should consider The Real NBA Husbands of Miami instead?
The Real Housewives of Miami runs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. Will you keep tuning in?