A week filled with such delightful-and-juicy-yet-trivial and earnestly traumatic news can be confusing. What's important? What's not? How can I keep up with the Kardashians and look forward to NBA All-Star Weekend when there's trouble abroad and heinous crimes being committed?
It's a conundrum we all face every day.
So we've put it all out there for you, both high-and-mighty and low-brow and silly. Chew carefully, or swallow it whole:
THE AGONY AND THE EGGSTASY: Lady Gaga showed up in an ovular vessel that she supposedly spent 72 hours in beforehand. That's it, show's over. But also, awards for accomplishment in music were handed out at the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards, where Arcade Fire upset Eminem and Lady Antebellum to win Album of the Year, forcing nonhipsters everywhere to learn who they are. Justin Bieber, while he made the biggest splash and wore the whitest suit, lost Best New Artist to the much jazzier Esperanza Spalding, a big disappointment for the lad and an even bigger bummer for his army of hackers, er, fans. (Get your complete Grammy coverage right here.)
HORROR STORY: ABC News foreign correspondent Lara Logan was sexually assaulted while covering the protests in Egypt, a revelation that set the journalistic community reeling on the heels of attacks reported by Anderson Cooper, Christiane Amanpour and other reporters of varying nationalities. The WSJ later quoted a source who said it was "not a rape," which is a blessing, and Logan is now out of the hospital and recuperating at a home. But...how awful. We wish her a healthy recovery.
KEEPING UP: In case you're looking for the Kardashian family, they're at the bank, having earned roughly $65 million last year just for being a glossy version of themselves. They are not, however, at the wedding planner's, because Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are not engaged! But don't worry, the season finale of Kourtney and Kim Take New York will be really good anyway, we promise...As for Valentine's Day, Lamar Odom was on the road so Khloé hit up Phillippe in West Hollywood with a girlfriend, Kourtney and Scott took in a Black Keys show in Vegas, and Kim was hosting a party solo at the same club, the Marquee.
A MAN APART: Charlie Sheen touted his own ability to unravel and bounce back at the drop of a hat, but advised Lindsay Lohan to work on her impulse control, in two separate calls to his new arm-chair psychologist, radio host Dan Patrick. Meanwhile, Two and a Half Men is scheduled to start shooting again Feb. 28, but what sort of environment is Sheen returning to? They may skip the studio-audience portion of the process because that would be a lot of expectant eyes on Sheen. Eh, Denise Richards is used to it.
L'AMOUR: Lois and Clark? Beckett and Castle? Booth and Bones? We know you're having a great time voting for your favorite TV couple...So keep clicking to ensure that your ideal twosome triumphs!
BABY TALK: Jessica Alba's second child with hubby Cash Warren is on the way...Christina Applegate debuts daughter Sadie Grace...Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni show off their son Max...Rod Stewart and wife Penny Lancaster welcomed their second son together and Rod's eighth child overall...Melissa Rycroft Strickland and hubby Tye Strickland welcomed a daughter, their first.
QUESTION POPPED: Former Jersey Shore roomie Angelina Pivarnick is engaged to "the sweetest guy [she's] ever met," David Kovacs.
SMASHING: Prince William picks brother Harry to be his best man and Kate Middleton selects little sis Philippa (they already sound royal!) to be her maid of honour.
IT'S THE CLIMB: Confronting Miley Cyrus' real-life second act as a rebellious teen, Billy Ray Cyrus blames the Hannah Montana experience for "destroying his family." Er, wasn't he on-set, like, all the time?
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Frankie Muniz denied being suicidal after his girlfriend initially told police that he got rough with her and put a gun to his head and threatened to kill himself. No arrests were made and the couple were in good enough spirits to enjoy a romantic dinner together after Valentine's Day.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: IBM supercomputer Watson trounced Jeopardy! champs Ken Jennings and Brad Rutterin an exhibition game for charity, leaving Ken nothing to do but welcome the "computer overlords." At least half of the $1 million Watson won is going to...build more machines?! Noooooo....!
JOKE'S ON DAVE: No apologies necessary, David Letterman had every right to believe Lindsay Lohan was really coming on the show to present the nightly "Top 10." How could he know Michael Lohan was assuming that Lindsay would start taking career advice from her dad now?
LIFE'S A BEACH: Russian model Irina Shayk, in all her top-bursting glory, landed the cover of the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
TRAGEDY: The body of a newborn was found in a bag belonging to a student at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. Police concluded that the baby was born at the school before the 17-year-old mother was admitted to a hospital with execessive bleeding...Maternal grandfather of Ashlynn Anderson, 4-year-old stepdaughter of Ax Men's Jesse Browning who was mauled to death by the family's rottweiler, has founded the awareness group Dads Against Dangerous Dogs.
LAW & DISORDER: Keith Brown, the father of brother-and-sister singing group 5 Browns, pleaded guilty to sexually abusing his daughters in the 1990s and is facing a possible life sentence in prison and is assured a lifetime of people's disgust...Restraining order filed against Leighton Meester's mother for supposedly making death threats...Investigation into possible extortion attempt by Mel Gibson ex Oksana Grigorieva was turned over to the L.A. District Attorney's Office...David Cassidy cut a DUI deal...Bruno Mars gets slap on the wrist after copping to cocaine possession...Alexis Neiers plans to take up drug-counseling education while in court-ordered...Real Housewives of Miami star Marysol Patton has a very unflattering record...AnnaLynne McCord sued over two-year-old accident...Vince Neil reported for scholars' jail...David Beckham's lawsuit against In Touch Weekly gets tossed...Alleged trespasser arrested outside Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi's house...Rock of Love Charm School alum settles her beef with Sharon Osbourne...Mira Sorvino's hubby busted for buffoonery.
FAMILY MATTERS: Halle Berry's ex blinks first in custody battle...Sam Kinison left behind a daughter...Christina Aguilera's ex-husband has finally moved out.
BODY ART: Vanessa Hudgens gets a butterfly on her neck...Teen Mom 2's Jenelle Evans didn't ruin Jace's first birthday (what a sweetie he is!) but she did ruin whatever part of her body she got this on.
MUSICAL NOTES: Watch Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me" video...Lady Gaga started off the week emerging from a symbolic womb, so it was a little late for a condom-inspired latex get-up on GMA. But what a way to distract from the Madonna controversy, made even more controversial when Gaga claimed the Material Girl had given "Born This Way" her blessing and Madonna's peeps said, "Wait a second..."...Justin Bieber gets a big win at the Brit Awards...Selena Gomez didn't give it a second thought when Donnie Wahlberg mentioned the Biebs when they were onstage together at the Grammys...Glee has had more simultaneous singles on the Billboard chart than anyone ever, including Elvis Presley...Fantasia Barrino stayed away from the Grammys on purpose...Eminem and Arcade Fire will light up the stage at Bonnaroo...Radiohead's new album is ready now!...Rihanna's getting sued for allegedly swiping "S&M" imagery from David LaChapelle...Celine Dion will sing during the "In Memoriam" tribute at the Oscars..."Rhythm of the Night"-er El DeBarge checks into rehab...Chris Brown's new album cover a cross between Sgt. Pepper and Adam Lambert's For Your Entertainment.
TV LAND: Gwyneth Paltrow orchestrated a détente between Glee creator Ryan Murphy and Kings of Leon...Barbra Streisand doesn't really hate Glee, she's just a person who doesn't need it...Adrianne Palicki (Tyra from Friday Night Lights!) cast as Wonder Woman...Laura Prepon cast as Chelsea Handler...Alec Baldwin gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...So this is what the Ukrainian Bachelor is like...Kenny Chesney honors his childhood hero in his second football documentary for ESPN...Questionable future for Paula Abdul's Live to Dance...Lex Luther will be on the Smallville finale...A guide to what's going down on Survivor: Redemption Island...Jon Gosselin's latest gig is installing solar panels...Maybe Jon can hook broke Bachelor No. 2 up with a job...Camille Grammer makes time for an exclusive sit-down while shooting her cameo on $#*! My Dad Says...Kim Richards most likely won't be back for season two of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...Brad Womack finally showed Michelle the door on The Bachelor!...SPOILER ZONE!
SCREEN PLAY: The King's Speech reigned supreme at the BAFTAs...LeBron James' hot to start acting...Anne Hathaway and James Franco are in the homestretch leading up to their big hosting gig...The Sherlock sequel is the very Sherlockian-sounding Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows...The Spider-Man reboot is the very old-school The Amazing Spider-Man...Marion Cotillard close to joining The Dark Knight Rises...E! Online reviews I Am Number Four...Unknown...Big Mommas.
TRAILER PARK: A more romantic take on Thor...Sneak peek at the nefarious dealings of The Lincoln Lawyer.
FIRST AID: Neurosurgeon attributes KCBS reporter Serene Branson's slurred speech incident to a complex migraine...Kelly Osbourne is putting off surgery on both feet until she's crippled, a great idea.
FAREWELL: Len Lesser, character actor best known for playing Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, died of cancer-related pneumonia at 88...Kenneth Mars, actor who played Führer-worshipping playwright Franz Liebkind in The Producers, died of cancer at 75...Betty Garrett, star of musical On the Town and known for TV work on All in the Family and Laverne & Shirley, died of an aortic aneurysm at 91.
COVERAGE: Justin Bieber spills his guts in Rolling Stone,which did something rather crafty with his hair on the cover...Liam Neeson opens up about losing Natasha Richardson in Esquire...Channing Tatum gets glossy and shirtless in GQ...Darren Criss shows off his situation in Out.
FASHION FRENZY: We're bringing you all the scoop from Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Fall 2011 in New York City!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY: Paris Hilton turned 30, and we got the gift: An exclusive interview! And say what you will about her, you should ever steal a woman's $3,200 birthday cake.
SEEN: Justin Bieber and his dad toting away their purchases from a Victoria's Secret in the Beverly Center mall on Valentine's Day...Golden-voiced Ted Williams discussing the perils of too-much-too-soon while being honored with a signature shake at Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood...An "Eva" tattoo on Eduardo Cruz's arm that supposedly has nothing to do with gal-pal Eva Longoria.