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Jeopardy

Did you enjoy your Valentine's Day? We hope so, because it could be your last.

Yes, come this time next year, you probably won't be enjoying any holidays, but rather toiling in uranium mines as you harvest the radioactive element for our new computer overlords, lest they whip you and feed you to their pet alligators.

We thought this horrifying yet inevitable future was at least a dozen years away, but after seeing a computer dominate Jeopardy champs Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter last night, we now see that our dystopic vision is nearly at hand.

My God, it's worse than we imagined. Not only does it have the mind of Stephen Hawking, but it also has his sweet, dulcet tones, which women find irresistible. Let's just hope it doesn't also possess Stephen's lovemaking expertise, or else women will crave its touch, and before we know it, they'll be giving birth to hard drives.