Somebody will win. Somebody will lose. Nobody will talk about anything but the performances.
Oh, you know the Grammys so well, don't you? Actually, no, you don't.
Here are some storylines that could shock:
1. Justin Bieber Is Declared Over! This scenario isn't fair, but just imagine: On Sunday morning, Bieber's concert movie fails to win the weekend box office; on Sunday night, Bieber fails to win Best New Artist (losing to, say, Mumford & Sons, who have been tapped by Grammy producers to perform with no less than Bob Dylan); on Monday morning, pundits write the teen-idol's career obit.
2. Lady Gaga Loses Everything! OK, Album of the Year's out. (It just is. See below.) That leaves five more categories. And while she seems like a lock for Pop Vocal Album and Female Pop Vocal Performance, what if Katy Perry has a great night? It seems unlikely, yes, but it seemed unlikely the "Bad Romance" diva would be shut out of Record of the Year and Song of the Year. Basically, we're not convinced Grammy voters get Gaga.
3. Eminem Sells Out! Oh, wait, he already did that…Joking aside, the surprise here is that it won't be a surprise when Recovery wins Album of the Year. Take that, Steely Dan!
4. Christina Aguilera Earns Your R-E-S-P-E-C-T! And she won't even have to resing the National Anthem to do it. See, the songbird's supposed to take part in a tribute to Aretha Franklin. Here's betting no one's talking about "what so proudly they hailed" after.
5. The Pre-Telecast Draws More Viewers (Online) Than the Telecast (on CBS)! Impossible? What if we told you the pre-telecast was to feature a performance by Cyndi Lauper and her face? Think people might be interested in getting a good look?