Ah, the Palins: love 'em or hate 'em, you're no doubt fascinated by them.
Which is why you may think you already know everything there is to know about Alaska's former first family, particularly in the wake of E! News' exclusive interview with Bristol Palin. But you'd be wrong.
Sure, she hates Levi Johnston, loves Arizona and is doing the gosh darn best that she can as a mother to Tripp, but she also revealed a few hitherto unknown gems about herself and her family while giving us the full tour.
And some of 'em—Tripp's first words, her go-to dish in the kitchen, her celebrity enemy and Sarah Palin's grandmotherly nickname, to tease but a few—you're never gonna believe. So, without further ado, here are five brand new things we learned about Bristol…
1. Like Mama Bear, Like Daughter Bear: Sure, she might've had a momentary lapse in judgment roughly two years (and nine months) ago, but she's gonna do her darnedest to make sure her son Tripp doesn't make the same mistakes she did.
"I'm going to be an overprotective mom for sure," she told E! News of her parenting style of choice once little Tripp reaches his dating years. As for prospective girlfriends, they can expect the third degree. "Yeah, 'C'mere, we've got to have a few words.' Yeah, I'm going to be very protective."
Make that protective yet maternal.
While she admits she's "not really" a good cook, she nevertheless is no stranger to the kitchen. So what recipes have made it into her repertoire? "The other night I cooked Tripp chicken and rice and stuff like that."
Oh, and if there's any doubt as to just how doting Bristol is, look no further than Tripp's first words: "Yeah, it was 'Mama,'" Bristol explained. "And then it was, like, 'ball' and 'dog.'"
2. She Did Her House-Hunting Online! But not, as you might think, through a realtor. "I looked…I've always looked on the Internet and stuff…like Craigslist," she explained to E! News. That's right, Bristol Palin did her house-hunting in the same place you're trying to hawk your broken freezer.
Chalk this one up to her self-sufficiency. "I get stuff done by myself," she said. "And that's, like, the biggest misconception with me…It's like, I don't have hair and makeup. I don't have publicists. I don't have managers. I don't have anyone like that." And that includes decorators.
While there are no moose antlers up (yet), Bristol's decorating style certainly takes a walk on the wild side. "I don't really have a set style. I am obsessed with cheetah print and really girly stuff. So it's a young house and it's fun and it's really girly, but I like it."
3. Sarah Palin Does Take Some Cues From the European Elite: While she may be all about the values of real America (wherever that is), Grandma Sarah isn't wholly uninfluenced by the continental elite.
"Tripp calls her 'Nana,' " Bristol explained. At which point our own Giuliana Rancic pointed out that that's quite a Eurocentric nickname.
"Is it?" Bristol asked. "Yeah, that'd be goofy calling her a grandma, but no, she's an awesome grandma. She loves Tripp and Tripp is just addicted to her and my dad just running around their house all the time…They'll, like, give him a piece of licorice or something and get him all hyper on sugar and stuff like that." OK, now that's the American way!
4. She'd Love to Take Those TPS Reports Off Your Hands for You: Sure, Bristol has designs on a future in politics. And she hopes to one day write a book. And, OK, she's currently mulling over a job offer to cohost a morning radio show in Arizona. But what she really wants to do is log mindless eight-hour days in front of a computer!
"I don't have a regular 9-5 job like I would love to have," she told E! News. Dare to dream, Bristol! Luckily, in the meantime she has a lucrative career in speech-giving to fall back on. Er, when they're not canceled, that is. And about that…
"I was like, 'Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?' 'Cause I never committed to it. So I couldn't be uninvited or cut off as a speaker. But it was really strange," she said of her Washington University in St. Louis brouhaha. "It was definitely politically motivated…I never wanted to do it really.
"I feel like I am being pushed around, but I know that I am strong enough to handle it. So if they are going to pick on me, then so be it, but I just hope they don't do that to other people."
5. She Has No Desire to Meet the Queen of the D-List: Kathy Griffin's history with Levi Johnston is hardly a secret (Kathy herself has made damn sure of that). So it's also hardly a shock that Bristol isn't exactly Griffin's biggest fan, particularly given her penchant for using the Palins as material in her stand-up act and her below-the-belt joke about Bristol being the only contestant on Dancing With the Stars to gain weight over the course of the season.
"It didn't [hurt my feelings] because it was coming from Kathy Griffin of all people, and I think it just shows her immaturity. I don't think that stuff's funny at all. Just very strange."
Still, Bristol can not only take it, she can dish it as well.
"She has a weird hate for our family, just like her coming to Alaska and knocking on our front door. And it's weird, also, that she would pick on my weight. She's had botched liposuction procedures and stuff like that, so…It's just weird that she would pick on something like that for another woman."
Bristol went on to say that she's never met Kathy and would like to keep it that way.
"I think she would just not be an enjoyable individual to be around at all." Still, like any good Christian, Bristol said she would be willing to accept an apology should Griffin offer it.
"She's never going to, but yes, I would accept it," Bristol said.
Yeah, we won't hold our breath on that one, either. Especially since Griffin tweeted this upon hearing Bristol had name-checked her to E! News: "Ahhh, its like a hug from baby Jesus."