Before you give your weekend over to football, brush up on the week's hottest—and in some cases, purely acidic—stories:
LOL, TTYL: It all started, this time around, with a 911 call. Later, Charlie Sheen took time out of his busy schedule of whatever-the-hell to text E! News. And because he cared enough to send the very best, he informed us that the most negative rumors pertaining to his current condition are "all crap." He is in rehab, however, possibly at his very own house. Meanwhile, in his statement to the masses, he compared himself to Errol Flynn, who was known for his drinking and womanizing and dropped dead of a heart attack at 50. But, according to the new plan, Charlie plans to be back on the Two and a Half Men set by the end of the month. Stranger things have happened. For instance, porn stars still want to party with him after seeing his teeth.
CATWOMAN: Breakups are hard, sure, but Halle Berry has done a complete 180 since telling Vogue last summer that daughter Nahla had an "amazing father," i.e. Berry's model ex, Gabriel Aubry. Berry would have us (and, ultimately, a judge) believe that it's Aubry's parenting prowess that has done the 180, but his camp slammed the actress for making "untrue and irresponsible" allegations.
STATE OF THE UNION: We were bummed to hear that Chelsea Clinton's young marriage may be in trouble already. A source assured us that she and hubby Marc Mezvinsky are still a "very happy couple," even though he took off for a ski vacation solo after leaving his hedge fund job. For now, we'll chalk this up to selfish and childish behavior, if, in fact, Chelsea wanted him to stay home and he refused. Remember, this young lady comes from very strong, if at times inexplicable, stock. So we'll just have to label this one a rumor-in-progress and see what happens.
KARDASHIAN KORNER: Khloé and Lamar get the ball rolling on their unisex fragrance with a hot ad...Kim laughed (and tweeted, of course) about the idea of Scott Disick being obsessed with her...W tried to reassure Kim about her sexy photo spread...The eve of Kim's Skechers ad debut is finally upon us...Kim's spending Valentine's Day in Vegas with her girlfriends.
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE NO WRINKLES: Cyndi Lauper was the victim of a vicious reaction to a spa treatment, and unfortunately, we have the picture to prove it. Her rep says she'll recover her true colors in due time.
BABY TALK: Christina Applegate and fiancé Martyn LeNoble welcome a daughter...Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are having one of each...Colin Hanks and wife Samantha Bryant gave Tom Hanks a granddaughter...Craig Ferguson and wife Megan welcomed a son...Former Bachelorette "winner" Jesse Csincsak and wife Ann Leuders welcomed a wee bachelor...Newlywed Chuck star Sarah Lawrence is expecting with hubby Matthew Jacobs...Bristol Palin's little guy, Tripp, shows us around their Arizona home...Megan Fox was a baby once.
COME ON: Lindsay Lohan is being investigated in connection with the disappearance of a $25,000 necklace from a Venice jewelry store. The pricey piece has since turned up, but the authorities aren't ready to turn their backs on LiLo just yet in light of her slightly checkered past. While it truly just doesn't make sense, this isn't the first time Lindsay's name has been mentioned in the same breath as "missing jewelry."
REBEL YELL: Anderson Cooper is lying low after being pummeled by a rioting mob in Egypt. Christiane Amanpour was attacked as well but managed to score an interview with embattled President Hosni Mubarak for ABC News, but Katie Couric and Brian Williams are outta there.
THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE: Steven Soderbergh apparently fathered a child with an Australian woman while living abroad and separated from his wife of seven years, Jules Asner. He came clean to Jules immediately, however, so she must have been far less shocked than we were when he was slapped with a paternity suit.
WEDDING BELLS: Buffy star James Marsters, a true vampire for the ages, married Patricia Rahman...Kate Moss' ring finger implies she'll be taking it to the next level with rocker Jamie Hince.
ROMANCE REPORT: Carrie Mulligan is broadening her relationship education with Eddie Redmayne...Zac Efron and Teresa Palmer look like more than friends...Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer seem serious, but not engaged...Here's the lowdown on Miley Cyrus and Joshua Bowman.
UNHITCHED: Terrence Howard's wife, Michelle, filed for divorce after a year...Eva Longoria is technically married in California, but divorced in Texas.
GETTING REAL: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion special didn't disappoint, with Kim, Kyle, Kamille, er, Camille getting as worked up as ever (and yet their faces never move!) and Lisa VanderPump giving a very elegant treatise on what happened with Cedric. Well, it probably just sounded elegant because she's English, but still. Despite this crackerjack chemistry among the ladies, however, Taylor might end up being replaced by one or more of a new batch of ladies Bravo has its eye on...Kelsey Grammer isn't sitting idly by while his divorce gets hung up in court...To make way for The Real Housewives of Miami, Bravo postpones Real Housewives of New York.
KIDS WILL BE MOMS: Amber Portwood called the cops, thinking baby daddy Gary Shirley was making harassing phone calls to her, but later told us she thinks it was his new girlfriend doing the crank calling...Does anyone think Jace may be ready for college by the time Jenelle Evans is established?...Leah Messer and Corey Simms are married and hoping for the best regarding daughter Ali's medical prognosis.
TV LAND: American Idol unnecessarily apologizes for Steven Tyler...Jennifer Aniston turned down SNL to do Friends, proving that all roads lead to doing movies with Adam Sandler no matter what...Maybe something was lost in translation when Ricky Gervais thought the Hollywood Foreign Press was inviting him back to the Golden Globes...Derek Hough skipping Dancing With the Stars this season...The Awful Truth finds The Kennedys trailer to be rather unfortunate, but that's ReelzChannel's problem now...Lifetime finds leads for its William & Kate movie...Survivor's Russell Hantz accused of springing a leak...Clearasil is fine with being slathered on Skins...Knowing he can't "rule the reality world" forever, The Situation eyes a movie career...Lauren Conrad found that she couldn't rule forever the hard way...Sneak a peek at Katy Perry on How I Met Your Mother...Nicholas Brendon opens up about his dastardly Private Practice role...Nikita spillage from Shane West...Here's some Glee gossip...Scoop on Justin Bieber's next CSI appearance...Farrah Fawcett's iconic red swimsuit is going on display at the Smithsonian...Can Minka Kelly do Farrah justice in a Charlie's Angels reboot?...Do you have an opinion on who should compete in WWK's Top TV Couples tournament?...SPOILER ZONE!
HYBRID AFFAIR: Get your wall-to-wall coverage of the 2011 Screen Actors Guild Awards, from the red carpet to The King's Speech upset to the afterparties, right here!
SCREENPLAY: The King's Speech director Tom Hooper is tops at DGA Awards...British cutie Henry Cavill will play Superman in the latest reboot...Sundance Film Festival winners and losers...Adam Sandler gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...Ben Affleck in talks to direct a George Clooney production...Barbra Streisand to play big focker Seth Rogen's mom...Wes Craven capitalizes on a "spectacular opportunity" to shoot more scenes for Scream 4, always a good sign...The Coen brothers are flummoxed by Tara Reid...Take a good look at Robert Pattinson in Water for Elephants...And here's Kristen Stewart in On the Road...The Answer B!tch ponders whether Jessica Alba is really that bad at acting...E! Online reviews The Roomate and Sanctum.
TRAILER PARK: K.Stew's ex-boyfriend crashes Uma Thurman's wedding (and, more importantly, Lee Pace is British) in Ceremony...Kung Fu Panda 2 chops into Super Bowl Sunday...Kristen Wiig gets her hangover on in Bridesmaids.
MUSICAL NOTES: Miranda Lambert leads the field with seven nominations heading into the 2011 Academy of Country Music Awards...11 years after Jack and Meg White divorced, the White Stripes split up...Florence + the Machine ups the Oscars' indie cred...Rihanna promotes "S&M" but remains mum about topless pics...Britney Spears reveals the title of her new album and fends off dancing-double rumors...Kings of Leon drummer Nathan Followill's bum bicep puts a damper on their touring plans...Jonathan Knight reassures Tiffany that he's been openly gay for 20 years...Ozzy Osbourne cancels a Reno show due to "sudden illness"...Elton John calls on Billy Joel to take rehab seriously, Joel says that's just "Elton being Elton."
LAW & ORDER: Bieb's bodyguard was arrested after all...Amy Locane pleaded not guilty to vehicular manslaughter...Jaime Pressly pleaded not guilty to DUI...Bruno Mars told the judge he'd catch the cocaine-possession grenade...Jeffrey Donovan copped to reckless driving...Jesse James' ex Janine Lindemulder busted for alleged harassment...Roseanne Barr sues ex-hubby Ben Thomas.
TRAUMA CENTER: David Arquette checks out of rehab...Peter Jackson back home after ulcer surgery, expects Hobbit delay to be short.
SURREAL ESTATE: Very married Ashton Kutcher finally letting his bachelor pad go for $2.6 million...Hollywood Hills home where Brittany Murphy died is relisted for $4.995 million...Mischa Barton selling her Beverly Hills mansion for $8.7 million.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Jennifer Aniston's signature scent debuts on Sephora.com...Julianne Moore ads some All Right sheen to Talbots...Audrina Patridge doesn't have to wear much for Bongo's spring ad campaign.
FAREWELL: Maria Schneider, French actress best remembered for being emotionally tortured (and other things) by Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris, died after a long illness at 58...John Barry, five-time Oscar winner who scored a number of James Bond films and composed the classic theme music, died of a heart attack at 77.
SEEN: Chord Overstreet chatting up Mila Kunis (and the stars of The King's Speech) at the Weinstein Co./Relativity Media post-SAGS bash at the Sunset Tower hotel...Jake Gyllenhaal seated at upscale Italian restaurant Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica before leaving without ordering...Brandi Glanville lunching with Real Housewives enemy No. 1 Cedric Martinez at Il Pastaio in, where else, Beverly Hills.