While the Brits bicker across the pond about who should be King, we're still stuck in royal-wedding la la land. Don't think that throne drama will sidetrack our dishing about England—and H'wood's—most whispered-about ceremony! We're just suckers for the soapy love stuff, sorry.
And it's clear as wedding crystal that it's time for some big changes in the Queen's kingdom, and it's more than just a crank-a-thon about a crown:
Britain has other plans for their next throne occupants, or rather, the entire country. Trust us, the blueprint is bigger, brighter, and way more dimensional than Prince Charles and Will.i.am combined.
Royal nuptials may mean new laws: Hold your baby-bumping horse carriages, Kate Middleton is definitely not pregnant. But lawmakers have the perfect wedding present for the soon-to-be princess.
For the last 300 years, the sexist British system has given sons throne-preference, but government officials are now saying they may change the rules of succession, just in case the royal couple has a girl. Love it!
I mean, come on, since the Kate copying the late Princess Di's style stuff is getting kinda old, how 'bout moving on to something far more worthy of our tongue-wagging?
Like how Kate and William should have a ton of girls, so we've got a whole Royal Nursery full of daughters, just to make sure the crown passes right back to a woman after William? There are way too many princes in that royal fam-bam as is.
You can officially get tanked: On a rather cheerio note, the British government has also announced they plan on letting pubs stay open later, since the wedding is a national s--t show.
In Britain, only specially licensed pubs can stay open regularly past 11 p.m. Talk about an early bedtime, Londoners, is this how you people learned to handle your beer? R.Pattz musta been taught someplace, right?
It's too bad for them the extended curfew only applies on April 29—the day of the I-do's—which, by the way, has already been made a public holiday.
Cheers to holidays, hangovers—oh, and female heirs!
We'd have it no other way—3-D for Di: With this worldwide event quickly turning into a "Remember Di Show," what with Prince William making none-so-subtle odes to his late mother we're wondering will he remember his mum's celeb friends, come invite time?
In spite of James Blunt joking he won't be performing at the royal wedding since he only does funerals, there's no way some of Di's bold-faced cronies won't be attending, too (just as they did both her wedding and funeral).
Plus, British Sky Broadcasting Group is in talks with royal officials to air the wedding on TV, and wait for it—shoot the nuptials in 3-D and show it in theaters!
Westminster Abbey meets Avatar? That blue sapphire will fit right in, Kate!
Maybe James Cameron will show? Not.
Mother Teresa and William's mom were BFFs for a reason: But whoever does get an invite shouldn't come bearing gifts. Nope, W. & K. are taking the philanthropist high road. Di-ja vu, anyone? We cannot stress enough how much William's upbringing is coming in to play here.
Di made it her mission to take Wills on charity tours whenever she could: to visit the homeless, hospitals, AIDS patients, any one who was down-trodden. William did this from an incredibly young age, and he consistently managed one thing: to stun those around him (always adults) at how compassionate and helpful he was with those he was trying to comfort. This Di-fused way of life (and magic) has remained with William into adult-hood. Awkward, snobby Charles, he is not.
And Kate shares with William a hearty respect for the common-folk, a class their respective millionaire families have both jettisoned in the past.
Appropriately, the royal-couple to-be is asking their guests make donations to a list of charities, in lieu of silver goblets and monogrammed tea towels. Way to take on roles of the people's prince and princess, guys!
The fiercest post-honeymoon abode: Rumor has it that the Queen has invited Prince William and Kate to share Buckingham Palace with her as their official London residence, which is, like, huge!
Even Di didn't get to move into the Queen's joint—she had to schlep over to Kensington Palace and live next door to that chain-smoking Princess Margaret and contend with boxy, relatively small apartments.
If the new prince and princess do indeed land Buckingham Palace, they'll be sporting the best address in the world, literally. While dad Charles and that twice-married wife of his (who needs a new hairdresser yesterday) make do with the late Queen Mother's old gin-drinking hang, Clarence House.
Look, this royally fabulous real-life story is going to be epic on all fronts. Stay tuned and don't forget your 3-D glasses, duh!