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You've got problems. Financial problems. Personal problems. Medical problems. You're just a lukewarm mess. Not even hot. So where do you turn?

A plastic gallon jug of Popov vodka from the corner drugstore usually works for us, but for those of you requiring special treatment, Oprah has her All-Stars standing by with their invaluable, all-starry advice. Take this poor woman, plagued by breath that could stun a yak. Not to mention even seen-it-all, smelled-it-all Dr. Oz.

Funny, that line always works at the Dinah Shore Classic.