What will be the year's biggest story in 2011?
—Mikey, via the inbox
Whatever I choose to cover, little man. Still, in the interests of keeping you from wandering off and playing in traffic, I've compiled a list of what will surely be the biggest celebrity obsessions of the coming year:
Lindsay Lohan will ex-cape from rehab. Or just complete her term. But really, given her addiction to drama, don't be shocked if her departure involves at least two sheets knotted together.
The Conrad Murray trial. Because Michael Jackson fans need someone to scream at, that's why.
Breaking Dawn—Part 1. The book that should never be a movie is actually going to be two movies, with the first half being released in November. Gee, thanks Twi-hards.
The royal wedding. Will Kate Middleton opt for carriage transport to and from the venue? Will she? Will she?
Transformers 3. Well, OK, it's actually called Transformers: Dark of the Moon, but I refuse to say that more than once. The movie will be huge news not because we're likely to see some new appliance re-interpreted as a robot, though a talking Cuisinart certainly would have its charm. No, everyone wants to know if that lippy girl who replaced Megan Fox can actually act, or if her talents are limited to standing around looking hot in her underwear.
Brangelina will do something. Because they always do something: adopt another cranky kid, make another miserable baby, visit some fresh pack of poor third-world innocents. Heck, maybe they'll even get married just to make Kate Middleton cry.
Justin Bieber's voice will change. It'll have to. And the media insanity will inevitably follow.
Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem will debut their sexy baby. Most babies are just babies. Unless they're made by the two hottest Spaniards on the planet. And oh: I guess we'll have to deal with Mariah Carey's twins too.
And finally: Hobbits. Martin Freeman will don the rubber feet of a younger Bilbo Baggins to film the two-part prequel to The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The first half won't be released until 2012, but you can bet the dweebs will be plying us with illicit set photos and leaked conceptual art for much of next year. When it comes to Tolkien, the road does, indeed, go ever on and on.