The phones at Billable Hours & Sons were blowing up this week.
If a celeb wasn't being nominated for a Golden Globe or SAG Award, he was getting divorced—or, in Michael C. Hall's case, both!—meaning, endless calls to the lawyers and endless congratulatory texts from friends, family, agents and publicists.
Then again, the biggest split was between people who are neither married nor of legal age to rent a car in California, proving you don't have to be hitched—or 25—to suffer the sting of a high-profile breakup.
PUPPY LOVE STINKS: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, who met when they were teenagers on the set of High School Musical, didn't last forever? STFU! We'd ponder the reason for their split after several years of dating, but... We've already spent too much time pondering how they managed to stay together this long.
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION: Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were just too sexy for this union. No papers have been filed yet, but the reigning hottest beings on the planet don't plan to be married to each other for much longer. This has nothing to do with Blake Lively and far more to do with the fact that they weren't seen in public together (or private, apparently) nearly enough. Who even saw them get married in the first place?!
SOMETHING IN THE WATER: Things didn't work out between Elizabeth Hurley and hubby Arun Nayar...Jennifer Carpenter is divorcing Dexter star Michael C. Hall (Julia Stiles pleads innocent)...Nip/Tuck doc Dylan Walsh is done with Joanna Going...Harry Potter's Professor Lupin, David Thewlis, and Anna Friel parted ways after nine years and one child together...Rihanna and Matt Kemp are not broken up but they are spending pretty much no time together while he goes through winter workouts and she promotes Loud.
GLOBAL WARMING: As expected, much love for The King's Speech, The Social Network, The Fighter, Glee and HBO movies. On the other hand...at least Burlesque is a musical, but what was the Hollywood Foreign Press thinking, nominating The Tourist for top comedy or musical at the 68th Golden Globe Awards, which can't recognize everybody but certainly could have recognized more deserving people and projects if a bunch of slots weren't taken up by tripe. (And this is coming from people who adore Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie.)
ACTORS' ACTORS: Now we're getting somewhere with the nominations for the 17th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, which singled out Black Swan, The Fighter and The King's Speech especially and 30 Rock was tops on the TV side. SAG members quietly ignored Depp and Jolie's unintentionally hilarious, yet Golden Globe-nominated, performances in The Tourist.
THUMBS-UP: The Social Network has gained a lot of friends and influence over people, namely critics, who topped their best-of-the-year lists with the David Fincher drama. The National Board of Review, Los Angeles Film Critics Association and the New York Film Critics Circle all embraced the sure-fire Oscar contender. The Critics' Choice Awards were dazzled the most by Black Swan, but Social was still pretty popular.
NOUVEAU RICHIE: With Joel Madden and officiator Rev Run waiting on the other side, Nicole Richie walked down the aisle to dad's "Ballerina Girl" in a stunning, Paris Hilton-less ceremony at Lionel Richie's house, in which Sparrow and Harlow's parents became husband and wife. PETA didn't think too much of Lionel's live-elephant nod to Nicole's childhood fascination with pachyderms, but otherwise...people had a good time.
CHEERS: Taylor Swift turned 21 on Dec. 13!
FOR WHOM THE BONG TOLLS: Anna Oliver, the pal who shot video of Miley Cyrus puffing salvia, was spotted hanging out on Miley's New Orleans movie set—so apparently Miley is "embarrassed" but hoping to tame the media by smiling in the face of herbversity.
KEEPING UP: Happy first birthday, Mason!...The Kardashian family wishes you a very merry Christmas. No, really, they do!...Kris Jenner starts a new music-management venture, finds a job for Rob Kardashian.
WEDDING BELLS: Better With You's Joanna Garcia swapped vows with Yankee slugger Nick Swisher...Hulk Hogan takes a second wife, no body slams necessary...Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo is fixin' on getting hitched to Chace Crawford's little sis, Candice. Which is cool, because Jessica Simpson is "genuinely happy" with Eric Johnson...Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri, is engaged to soccer stud Kyle Martino.
BABY TALK: Zac, the littlest Hanson brother, welcomed his second child with wife Kate...Jennifer Connelly is expecting her third and No. 2 with Paul Bettany...Teen Mom's Amber Portwood insists she isn't expecting baby No. 2...Mariah Carey really is expecting twins...Bristol Palin approves of Levi Johnston's new girlfriend if it means he's more interested in their son.
UNHITCHED AND UNHINGED: David Arquette again took to his soapbox, The Howard Stern Show, to discuss life post-split from Courteney Cox. Not only did his voice sound like he'd been partying for 40 days and 40 nights, but he also joked that he was having a nervous breakdown. A day later he felt the need to explain, in case anyone mistook his blather for a real nervous breakdown.
RUMOR MILL: Kevin Spacey tackles the gay rumors...Is Nikki Sixx dating Denise Richards?...Did Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown hold an intervention for daughter Bobbi Kristina?... Real Housewives' Alexis Bellino denies being broke.
TV LAND: Leighton Meester will be done with Gossip Girl in two years...Larry King Live signed off after 25 years...CNN denies hastening the demise of Morgan Freeman...Winning Amazing Race team Kat and Nat talk victory...Meet the next crop of Racers...Sean "Diddy" Combs helped out with E! News Thursday...Another chef "wins" Hell's Kitchen...Big Loser's winner lost 181 pounds...Here are more Losers for next season...Teen Mom's new additions...Skating With the Stars had Jonathan Novack tucked away, just in case...American Idol's latest competition is a Dutch import...SPOILER ZONE!
SHRIEKS OF GLEE: Lea Michele talks up the Super Bowl episode...Matthew Morrison talks Will and Emma's future...SAG Award nominee Chris Colfer talks the Kurt-Blaine kiss...Jane Lynch shares fuzzy feelings...Diana Agron and Kevin McHale had a bug in their pipes.
SCREENPLAY: Robert Downey Jr. leaves Gravity in George Clooney's hands...Tom Cruise thanks Dubai for the hospitality...Meet Tron: Legacy's Garrett Hedlund...The Beaver opens in March...Nicholas "Xander" Brendon doesn't think much of the new Buffy movie idea...Iron Man 3 moving on without Jon Favreau...Both Charlize Theron and Julia Roberts are in talks to antagonize Snow White...Gwyneth Paltrow gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
TRAILER PARK: Robert Pattinson moons over Reese Witherspoon in Water for Elephants...Sean Penn is Brad Pitt's son, but all grown-up in The Tree of Life...Cars are speedy but Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are speedier in Fast Five...Johnny Depp goes rogue in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.
MUSICAL NOTES: Neil Diamond, Alice Cooper, Tom Waits and a few others make the cut for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame class of 2011...Check out Diddy-Dirty Money's "Ass on the Floor"...Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark needs heroics from Bono and The Edge...Cirque du Soleil crafts a new Elvis video...Julianne Hough's latest video was too hot for CMT.
SEASON'S GREETINGS: Angelina, Brad and their six kids plan to hole up in a "random part of the world" for the holidays...Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas are headed to Las Vegas for the Jay-Z-Coldplay show at the Cosmopolitan on New Year's Eve.
HIGH CRIMES: Nick Brooks, ex-boyfriend of swimwear designer Sylvie Cachay charged with attempted murder and strangulation in her mysterious death at Manhattan's Soho House...40-Year-Old Virgin actor Shelley Malil gets life in prison for stabbing his ex-girlfriend...Amy Locane indicted on manslaughter charges for alleged DUI crash that killed a woman...Food Network's Calorie Commando, Juan-Carlos Cruz, sentenced to nine years in prison for whipping up a murder-for-hire plot.
LAW & ORDER: Police not coming after Charlie Sheen for hotel freakout...Uma Thurman stalker pleads not guilty to restalking...Jersey Shore's Ronnie Ortiz-Magro charged with fist-pumping a guy's face...Rip Torn pleaded guilty to the WTF heist of the year...Ja Rule copped to weapon possession...Smallville actor Sam Jones III copped to conspiring to sell oxycodone and prison is a possibility...Michael Moore kicks in $20,000 for Wikileaks mastermind Julian Assange's bail...Justin Bieber won't be tagged with assault charges...Big Brother 2's Krista Segall keeps her distance from Survivor: Fiji's Kenward "Boo" Bernis.
CIVIL WAR: Lindsay Lohan's 6126 settles up...Brody Jenner apologized to Joe Francis over last year's fight outside Guys & Dolls, which led the boobs to sue each other...George Clinton goes after the Black Eyed Peas for sampling...Zooey Deschanel gives Steve Madden a kick.
GET WELL SOON: Hugh Jackman bangs his bean on Oprah...Bay Watch babe Donna D'Errico is recovering from a staph infection...Aretha Franklin says she'll keep up posted on her health status...Jennifer Grey healing after back surgery.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Rumer Willis is the new face of Badgley Mischka...Leighton Meester will pose for Missoni...January Jones is the face and body of Versace...Everything Kate Middleton wears has become a must-have look, regardless of designer.
SURREAL ESTATE: Ryan Phillippe's Hollywood Hills spread going for $7.45 million.
SEEN: Newly single ScarJo touching down in Jamaica with pals...Anne Hathaway making a personal appearance at P.S. 22 in NYC to invite the student chorus to perform with her when she and James Franco host the Oscars...Frexes Eva Longoria and Tony Parker enjoying the brisket at Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q in San Antonio...Jake Gyllenhall grabbing yogurt with two spoons at Pinkberry on Melrose Avenue...Javier Bardem and a very pregnant Penélope Cruz relaxing at Palihouse in West Hollywood at a Biutiful VIP afterparty...Reese admitting she knows nothing on the red carpet for the How Do You Know premiere...Denise Richards talking Christmas plans and Neil Patrick Harris discussing daddyhood and dispelling Oscar-hosting tips at Spike TV's Video Game Awards...Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent cuddling in bed, where else?.