Now that we've recovered from Golden Globes-induced shock, let's review what we've learned from the ordeal.
To be upfront, we still can't pinpoint how and when The Tourist became a comedy, but as for the rest of it…
1. The Globes Are Not the Oscars: Back in the Pia Zadora day, everybody knew this, and then the Globes reformed, and then everybody forgot this. Nothing like six combined nominations for The Tourist and Burlesque, compared to one combined nomination for Toy Story 3 and True Grit, to make everybody go, "Oh, yeah, right..."
The main thing is, if you want a good time, then tune in the Globes; if you want an accurate-as-possible preview of the Oscars, then tune in the guild shows.
2. Eliminate the Musical or Comedy Categories, and, You Know What, the Globes Are the Oscars! Aside from the Halle Berry weirdness, there's not a wonky nomination in the Globes' Drama races—they could be cribbed from the Oscars. It's only when the Hollywood Foreign Press members started judging what was funny that they went off the rails. What's that they say about comedy not translating?
3. Burlesque Is Not Showgirls: Did you laugh off Burlesque's three Globe noms? Did you notice two of them were for Best Song? Did you see three Burlesque songs were declared eligible this week for Oscar's Original Song category? Do you realize Burlesque really, truly could become known as the Oscar-nominated Burlesque? Take that, Nomi Malone.
4. You're Not Dead 'Til You're Dead: Or, to put it another way, a Globes snub doesn't kill. (Jeff Bridges, for example, is gonna be fine.) Now, as for a Screen Actors Guild snub… (Leonardo DiCaprio, you're in trouble.)
5. You Are Totally Gonna Have to Go See The King's Speech: Stop calling for a Social Network upset. Stop waiting for a Christopher Nolan movie to be welcomed into the winner's circle. Stop praying for an Eclipse miracle. The King's Speech is the top Globe nominee, it's the odds-on Oscar Best Picture favorite, and, hey, it's pretty good, too.