To paraphrase Purple Kelly, Survivor: Nicaragua has nothing left to suck.
But thanks to the shocking decisions by two of the lamest Castaways in the franchise's history—and neither of them is Dan!—this season will never be forgotten...
"Great effort on day 28. Nobody giving up, everybody digging deep."
Jeff Probst, you are adorable.
His words of encouragement to the Castaways competing in tonight's reward challenge were more appropriate for Opposite Land than Survivor's Nicaragua set. To Jeff's (and America's) disgust, both Purple Kelly and NaOnka announced they planned to quit the game.
This isn't the first time they threatened to leave: Purple Kelly wanted out on day one, and NaOnka only recovered from her original breakdown because of Chase's hugs and rainbows.
I would have been glad to see them go...then. Maybe the older, more interesting Espada tribe would have gained an advantage. At the very least, the girls should've given Marty a chance.
"Bitch, You Made Me Look Good": No, NaOnka, no one and nothing could make you look good in this game, and your last selfish decision to enjoy a movie date while Holly sacrificed herself for the tribe was despicable. Russell Hantz who?
Runner-Up Bitch: Et tu, Dan? Once it was clear NaOnka wasn't stepping up, surely Dan—who sat on a giant chair while Jeff goaded him by saying "no effort, you get all the reward"—should've swapped places with Holly. He's been nothing but selfish this entire game.
Rotten Tomatoes: "Ha ha ha, Jack Black. Ha ha ha, he's so fat." Benry and Chase maybe have been entertained by Gulliver's Travels, but this (paid?) movie promotion did not make for entertaining TV—especially since we also had to endure NaOnka and Dan stuffing themselves when they should have been back at camp begging for a spoonful of rice.
Oh, Snap! Did you notice Sash's (aka the black man from Harlem) reaction when NaOnka said she was the only African-American left in the game? I'm not sure whether he considers himself "Old G" ("old gangster," per NaOnka's urban dictionary), but he definitely did not appreciate being ousted from his own Minority Alliance.
WHAT'S TO COME
The only way Survivor: Nicaragua can have a gratifying conclusion is if Fabio wins a million dollars. Sash is a brilliant strategist, but that giant Gulliver doll has more personality.
Check back here for my exit interviews tomorrow with both "smuffed" ladies. Something tells me NaOnka will have a lot more to say than Purple Kelly.