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    Britney on Abuse Confession Report: "It's Laughable"

    Star Magazine Cover, Britney Spears Star Magazine

    For anyone still questioning the authenticity of the supposed Britney Spears confessional recording, can we suggest actually listening to the tape? Cause we're thinking your grandma could probably offer up a better Brit-Brit impression.

    Or at least not leave so many curious edit-ready gaps in the conversation.

    But for those who have actually listened to the 77-second piece of audio—in which Spears allegedly confesses to her onetime hubby of 55 whole hours that her current boyfriend Jason Trawick abuses her—and somehow remain convinced of its validity, here's something else you need to hear…

    MORE: Rumors debunked in So True, So False!

    A couple of on-record denials.

    But first, the backstory: Star magazine went wide today with a cover story in which Jason Alexander, Britney's fame-hungry annulled hubby and, they'd like the world to believe, newfound confidante, claimed Spears confessed to him in phone call the week of Oct. 10 that Trawick hit her hard enough to leave a black eye.

    A paparazzi shot accompanying the story taken on Oct. 19 could very well show a bruise on Britney's face. But then again, it just as easily could show someone who went a little heavy-handed on the eyeshadow application. Or a Photoshop-happy editor who got overzealous with the shading. Or a bad angle. The list goes on.

    Regardless, the entire story seems to hinge around a phone conversation that allegedly transpired last month—and which RadarOnline.com posted a clip of this morning—in which Alexander asked if Spears was engaged to Trawick.

    Her purported reply? "Was that before or after he beat on me?"

    Star took their claims even further, going on to allege that Britney was pregnant earlier this year, but decided to have an abortion due to the allegedly (fabricatedly?) stormy nature of her relationship.

    Needless to say, all sides of Britney's camp have come forward to call BS on the outrageous claims—which, incidentally, had been shopped around to various outlets at exorbitant prices over the past few weeks—with Spears' longtime manager and career-rehabbing Svengali Larry Rudolph nabbing the first right of reply.

    "This is 100 percent not true," he told E! News. "The recording is not Britney."

    Rudolph said Britney's camp is already planning legal action against the rumormongers, something corroborated by Andrew Wallet, one of Spears' coconservators.

    Britney's website followed up, calling every aspect of the Star story "completely and utterly false."

    "The statements attributed to Jason Alexander are a complete fabrication as Britney has not had any form of communication with Mr. Alexander in years," the site read. "The audio recording posted on Radaronline this morning purporting to be between Britney Spears and Jason Alexander is so obviously fake as to be laughable.

    "Suffice it to say, that Jason Trawick has never laid a hand on Britney. This is just another example of the irresponsible nature of the tabloid media relying on shoddy sources and false information for the sole purpose of selling magazines, without regard to the truth and without regard to who they hurt in the process. These irresponsible statements are defamatory and Britney Spears' legal team will be taking legal action against all of the appropriate parties."

    As they should.

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