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    Slurs, Drugs and Teen Moms? Hello, Future First Family!

    Sarah Palin Gilles Mingasson/TLC

    You know we just hate to pick on Sarah Palin. So it breaks our Dee Cee-lovin' hearts to have to ask the obvious question, but here goes: What the ef is going on with your family, S.P.?

    We know kids will do what kids want to do and that you can only parent so much, blah blah, but we gotta wonder, if half the tabloid fodder popping up about this mama grizzly's pack is true, how is she planning to run a country?

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    Because you know she's going to run, dontcha? And you bet your hockey mom tush it's going to be a serious campaign. Hell, just look at the ratings for her TLC special—there are people who like her.

    Terrifying? You betcha!

    Especially considering the hell her two daughters are raising. First, there's the obvious: Need we even mention Levi Johnson? But Bristol has gone onto bigger, conspiracy-loaded reality-show stints, leaving plenty of room for her kid sister, Willow, to disgrace the family name.

    And boy is she wasting no time, fueling the fire by calling "haters" "f----ts" on Facebook and maybe (or maybe not) getting involved with middle of the night drug deals (according to Life & Style, that is, who also say the underage gal knows how to chug certain liquids).

    Willow, of course, says these so-called pals are not only liars, they don't really know her:

    "It is disappointing to see people who claim they know me to sell stories. As for people accusing me of being at a party over a year ago, the accusations are ridiculous," the young Ms. P countered. Washington-savvy Sarah has already taught her daughter well, clearly. Where else does a 16-year-old learn to assault the character of her detractors so well?

    And while Bristol—the only one in the friggin' family who seems to have even the slightest clue, if not any rhythm—apologized for her little sis' foul (and pretty damn offensive) mouth, Camp Mama Grizzly has essentially stayed quiet. Must be too busy hawking her second best-seller, one assumes.

    Also, don't expect the home-spun authoress to pipe up now that Willow's BF, Andy Almon, is getting his Internet bully on, calling one peer a "queer" and a "f--ckn raghead," all while showing off some truly terrible spelling skills.

    Hopefully, they didn't learn that kind of language in Sarah's Alaskan abode or we're in for some tense foreign diplomacy.

    Gotta say, Sarah: Lay off the limelight for a bit and get your personal affairs—the stuff that's hit the tabloids and all that other Blind Vice-worthy biz that's just waiting to blow up—in order.

    And hell, once you're done, if you want to just stay up in Alaska, we're fine with that too. Someone's got to watch Russia, after all.

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