Good Morning America correspondent Andrea Canning apparently drew the short straw, as she was the one who had the, um, pleasure of making her way up to Vancouver to interview the eccentric couple.
Let's just say, they didn't disappoint.
Right off the bat, they blamed their increasingly bizarre behavior over the past few months on claims that they feared they'd be "whacked"—by those aforementioned "star whackers," naturally—if they dared to return to Hollywood, thus prompting them to go on the run and seek asylum in Canada.
"To have my integrity and my reputation denigrated so mercilessly, why?" Randy asked. "Why would someone want to do this to me?"
The answer: to kill him. Apparently.
"We are refugees," Evi chimed in. "Hollywood refugees. I genuinely feel like these people are trying to kill us."
As for who these people might be, the Quaids didn't name names, but seem to think agents, accountants and anyone who could fall under the umbrella of being a businessman in Hollywood fit the bill.
"Who would be trying to kill us? An estate planner, who had created a living trust, and a county that could cash Randy's royalty stream forever…For the money," Evi explained.
The duo went on to say they were being tracked, had had their cell phones tagged and their computer hacked into by these nefarious star whackers. And they claim that they're not the first stars to be victimized.
"It is very possible that Heath Ledger was murdered, and David Carradine. And Robert Blake was set up," Evi said.
"Lindsay Lohan should be afraid. Britney Spears," said the couple.
"Mel Gibson—I think he was drugged," Evi said. "I think he was slipped a mickey."
Randy added that Oksana Grigorieva was likely sent to "do him in…figuratively. To steal his money and ruin him."
"We're just trying to find some safety and security in this," he said.
One person who has tried to help him find it in the past is his brother Dennis, who asked Randy to seek some therapy. While the actor told GMA he does have a relationship with his brother, it's not what it once was. Which should come as a shock to no one.
"It's been a little tense the last few years, but I love my brother very much and we have differences, but I'm concerned about him," Randy said. "I feel that he's being victimized the same way I have by the same people."
"He's now on a treadmill of making movies that are garbage, and it's unfortunate because he's talented," Evi piped in.
It's unclear if brotherly love prompted Randy to defend his brother's career choices, but it was at that moment GMA showed a clip of Quaid yelling, "Evi, will you shut up for a minute, please. Come on!"
Might be time to take your own advice, Randy.