If only we could get into Katherine Heigl's hot tub time machine, we'd go back and warn whoever wrote the traditional marriage vows to not add "till death do us part."
It's starting to make people look like liars.
Without further ado, here are the biggest splits, feuds, disses and jacuzzi dramas of the week:
SPLIT OF THE WEEK: Courteney Cox and David Arquette are what happens when splits and scandals have babies. The duo, seemingly mismatched from the start, made it 11 years before agreeing to separate. Whether they civilly parted before or after Arquette slept with classy number Jasmine Waltz is the current topic of speculation. We like to think that calling into Howard Stern implies that the truth is being told, but then again, Jesse James insisted he was sleeping with "woman, not women" during his 2009 interview. MORE SPLITS: Isn't the bigger surprise here that Christina Aguilera stayed married to Jordan Bratman for nearly five years before she filed for divorce?...Ben Harper is leaving Laura Dern after the same five years...Glee's Jessalyn Gilsig is divorcing husband Bobby Salomon.
WETTEST DISPUTE OF THE WEEK: Heigl and hubby Josh Kelley were innocently boozing and smooching in their backyard hot tub when a neighbor—maybe he had just seen Life As We Know It?—started screaming at them to go inside. A pretty miffed Heigl called the cops.
HUFF OF THE WEEK: Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg actually walked out on The View's interview with Bill O'Reilly, which in one respect is really cool...but in another is entirely unprofessional. Couldn't the Barb-sie Twins just come up with better comebacks? Jon Stewart's interviews with The Enemy go so long they have to be continued online!
BAD '80S FLASHBACK OF THE WEEK: Jennifer Aniston found "no need to engage" after none other than Alexis Carrington herself, Joan Collins, determined that Angelina Jolie was the only good-looking actress around these days.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "That Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video wasn't very good. I wouldn't f--k Tommy Lee." So says Taylor Momsen in the November issue of Revolver.
DOME OF THE CROCK: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore flew off to Israel to "find compromise in [their] differences." Don't they know there are plenty of attorneys in L.A. who can do the same thing?
PUT AWAY: No good deed goes unpunished. Three days after talking a guy off a ledge and joining the ranks of heroic celebs, T.I. gets thrown back in prison for 11 months for violating probation.
SITUATIONAL HAZARD: Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino was so irked about being voted off of Dancing With the Stars, he actually skipped an opportunity to do press. But not to par-tay afterward! Fist pump!
SNIPPED: Ken Paves admits he's no longer doing Jessica Simpson's hair, now that she's off dating single guys.
COFFEE BEANED: Shia LaBeouf, hurled his cuppa joe at a photographer in Washington D.C., giving new meaning to the term single-shot latte.
FUNNY PEOPLE: Vince Vaughn breathed new life into the controversy over his character's use of the word "gay" in The Dilemma, prompting another round of backlash. The actor falls on the side of calling a joke a joke and not messing with the script. Who's the a-hole here?
REAL WORLD CHALLENGE: BMX rider and MTV host T.J. Lavin is in a medically induced coma after crashing his bike and suffering a brain injury during an event in Vegas.
HOBGOSSELIN: Just in time for Halloween, Jon Gosselin darkened our news doorstep.
CANNONBALL: Nick Cannon took major offense at Chelsea Handler implying that he isn't funny. Wonder if 50 Cent will give his two cents after getting dragged into this so far one-sided feud.
EL MILAGRO: Celebs rejoiced along with the rest of the world when the 33 trapped Chilean miners were all safely rescued over the course of two days. And Discovery Channel, which is airing Rescued: The Chilean Mine Story, got its happy ending.
CELEBRITY REHAB: Tom Arnold is providing moral support for Lindsay Lohan at the Betty Ford Center. Somewhere, Michael Lohan is thinking, "What does Tom Arnold have that I don't?"
THE TAO OF KIM: Happy 30th birthday to Kim Kardashian, who celebrated in style with her family at Tao in Las Vegas. Looking good, girl!
WEDDING BELLS: Dave Annable is off the market thanks to Odette Yustman...Crystal Bowersox swapped vows with Brian Walker...Alexa Vegas married producer Sean Covel...David Schwimmer and Zoe Buckman have been married for awhile...True Blood's Joe Manganiello engaged to human hottie Audra Marie...All signs point to India as the site of Katy Perry and Russell Brand's around-the-corner nuptials.
BABY BOOM: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka's twins are in the house...Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz welcomed their firzt child...Matt Damon and wife Luciana expecting their third daughter together.
FILM SCHOOL: Heather Graham's going to miss out on Hangover 2...Matt Damon on the run from Bourne 4?...The Hobbit is finally a go with Peter Jackson locked in to direct the two-part, $400 million 3-D adventure...Check out all the new Breaking Dawn vamps...Angelina Jolie may go 3-D in Cleopatra...Bosnia has the wrong idea about Angie's directorial debut...NPH is gonna direct his first feature...The devil in a blue power suit disses Hilary Swank's Conviction...Morgan Freeman getting AFI's next Lifetime Achievement Award...Tom Cruise wanted for Top Gun sequel...Nicolas Cage is raging in the Drive Angry 3D trailer...Ryan Gosling betrays Kirsten Dunst in the All Good Things trailer...Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow's mature new poster.
TV LAND: 30 Rock went live...Oprah Winfrey scores an interview with Michael Jackson's kids against Randy Jackson's wishes...South Park vanquished New Jersey...Andy Richter on the couch for Conan O'Brien this fall...Napoleon Dynamite turns into an animated series...Daniel Radcliffe is the vampire for a change in The Simpsons' Halloween ep...SPOILER ZONE!
MUSICAL NOTES: Katy Perry, Keri Hilson, Nicki Minaj, Paramore and Sugarland will help VH1 salute the troops...Jonas Brothers Monterrey, Mexico, show scrapped...Lady Antebellum and Eminem leading the field for the 2010 American Music Awards with five nominations apiece...Taylor Swift explains "Back to December"...Adam Lambert can't entertain quite as much as usual in Malaysia...Roger Waters adjusts The Wall.
FAREWELL: Soul singer Solomon Burke, 70, died after suffering a heart attack on a flight from L.A. to Amsterdam.
SAD LOSS: Kelsey Grammer's girlfriend, Kayte Walsh, suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago.
LEGAL DRAMA: Leif Garrett cops to heroin possession...Dane Cook's half-brother going to prison for ripping him off...At least this one knocked...Brooke Burke and David Charvet sued...Lisa Rinna burgled again...
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Justin Bieber's got a nail polish line to his name...Heidi Klum is wearing clothes for Ann Taylor...Real Housewife Ramona Singer starting a line of white whine, er, wine...Eva Longoria Parker gets waxed for Madame Tussauds...Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall's daughter Georgia May is the new face of Hudson denim.
LOVE NOTES: Before Gavin Rossdale married Gwen Stefani, there was cross-dresser Marilyn...Paris Hilton loves how boyfriend Cy Waits is an "amazing father"...Rebound gal Kat Von D firmly denies that she's dating the very married Bam Margera.
SEEN: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart getting cuddly on date night...Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene smooching over sushi at Katsuya in Hollywood...Ryan Gosling and Blake Lively eating ice cream at Disneyland...Brad Pitt and Angelina sharing a smile in Budapest...George Clooney meeting with President Obama at the White House.