Brad Pitt


Dear Ted:
I know people think Brad Pitt is a genius, and he's sure smart for hitching his train to that deity of good PR Angelina Jolie, but he doesn't strike me as the smartest. Actually, with his architectural obsession and desperate attempts to be taken seriously in Ann Curry interviews, he screams "idiot savant" to me. I really don't think he's as smart as his David Fincher film roles would have us believe. He seems like his true incarnation in life should be smoking a blunt in a frat house, to be honest. Am I warm?
—Rose March

Dear Pitted:
Look, Brad did go to Mizzou, which shows he's not the total academic dud you think he is, but he doesn't mind a good party once or twice or five times a week. Never graduated, though, if that matters to you—and I'm sure it does since you seem hell-bent on knocking down the guy's admirable qualities. You'd prefer him to be "obsessed" with chasing chicks and smoking crack than—horrors!—architecture? What's your problem, Rose? Jealous you're not Angie?

Dear Ted:
Any news on Jennifer Aniston's love life? Seems like she's been publicly single way too long for that really to be the case—surely she must be seeing a guy behind the scenes? What about all the guys she was linked to over the summer—anything serious there? I would love to see her with a worthy male and finally starting the family she's said she desires.

Dear Single and Willing to Mingle:
Nothing serious, which is still the way Jen wants it. Especially now that her whole crew of besties is single. Expect to see plenty more girl time between Jennifer and Courteney Cox (as well as the rest of their babelicious BFFs). Maybe they can help wingman each other when searching for the next Mr. Right? Eh, just don't think she wants it. Who can blame her?

Dear Ted:
You said that we really should have figured out who Maribeth Bush is by now, but I have to admit that I—and this is very unusual—don't really want to. You haven't really given me any reason to care. She is considered difficult on the set because she wants to be well paid to do her job? Say what? Just as an aside, does the producer who thinks so also say the same things about male actors when they try to negotiate for good salaries? Now, if Maribeth really is a diva, not to mention deceitful, I want deets! Come on, Ted, give me something juicy on her, and I'll give you my best guess! Deal?

Dear Pay Day:
Trust, babe, it's not that she wants to be paid well to do her job, it's that she thinks doing her job is worth so much more than it actually is. It's practically extortion what this big-egoed broad is doing to the studio. There's a way to go about getting cash—male or female—but M.B. is too damn classless to do it properly.

Dear Ted:
My fiancé and I have been guessing like crazy trying to figure out who Pepper Harthman is. Does Pepper play football or baseball? I know you can't reveal too much, but I was hoping maybe you could tell me. I am an animal lover and lost my two kitties a while back. Kisses to you and to your animals.

Dear Pepped Up:
I'll tell you that yes, it's either football or baseball. And don't bitch that I'm not answering your question, 'cause I just eliminated every other sport with a ball that our sexting sports star could play.

Dear Ted:
The Courteney Cox breakup should really wake people up. Marriage is hard enough without throwing a big age gap into the equation. I know, I know, there's always the exceptional couple, but most of the time, big differences are going to split people up. How about this? Instead of passing laws where every couple can marry, let's make marriage illegal in the U.S. (yeah, like pot)! Then, you'll know the couples that flee to Canada are serious!

Dear Loopy:
You're deranged, babe, but I have to admit you do have a point. Not about the age thing, though.

Dear Ted:
If stars and their beards have a "mutual agreement," do the ones who are married to their beards ever procreate with them? And if so, wouldn't this lead to some confusing family dynamics later on—I mean, fronting for the public is one thing, but for your children? My family has rescued five cats and five dogs in the last 15 years, and we have loved them all! Our home is a lifetime home.

Dear Baby on Board:
Heck, yes they do. And that's probably not the most confusing conversation a kid could have in this town. Why do you think it's called Hollyweird?

Dear Ted:
What is Nevis Divine's ex-Miss Costar up to these days? Has she found someone new? I hope there isn't any tension left over between her and Nevis...maybe she can benefit from his open relationship policy?

Dear Costar Crossed:
Miss Costar hasn't been starring—or even costarring—in any relaysh lately, as sad as that is. As for her and Nev, well, they wouldn't be caught canoodling again in a million years. She's far too PO'd for that.

Dear Ted:
My three rescued cats and I want to know: Now that Prostitution Whore Danielle Straub is off the Real Housewives of New Jersey, will Dina come back? She's very close to being as sane as her sister Caroline, and my husband thinks she's gorgeous.

Dear Dirty Jersey:
Who cares? Dina is a total bore just like her sister and the remaining N.J. housewives. Where the ef are they going to get the same kind of drama that's made this the most talked-about franchise for the first few seasons?

Dear Ted:
I just read the article about Johnny Depp visiting an elementary school in London after a 9 year old sent a letter to Capitan Jack Sparrow asking for help to mutiny against the teachers. I just found it completely adorable that he dressed up (along with some other pirates) and went to visit said girl. The pictures are great and you can just see how well he was playing the character, and the girl has the biggest smile you could imagine. This makes me wonder, is he the only actor in Hollywood that would go to these lengths because he truly cares for his fans? I mean he didn't get anything out of this other than to makes us fall deeper in love with him.
—A Pirate's Life For Me

Dear Swashbuckling Savvy:
Well, us falling deeper in love with him is him getting something out of it, babe. It's called good PR. But I agree it was a totally adorable gesture. Sure, there are other folks in T-town who would pull an amazing prank like this, but only a handful.

Dear Ted:
I know this is probably old news, but I can't help wondering if the feud between Paris and Nicole had something to do with one (or both) of their Vices. I can't buy into the "sex tape screening" theory as the only reason these besties would split. Anything else you can share? Clearly I was out of the loop back in the day.

Dear Frenemies 4 Eva:
Let's just say their Vices weren't helping the bigger problems at hand.

Dear Ted:
This question is a little old but I have to ask. I saw a picture of Blake Lively and Ben Affleck on the set of The Town. And wow! They look pretty cozy! Any gossip to tell with these two wonderful actors? I have a rescue dog named Quarter and we send our love.
—Marie and Quarter

Dear Blake It Forward:
Damn, Blake's been paired up with every dude in H'wood these days. But trust, Ben isn't exactly her type—she's into the younger, hunkier crowd. Plus, Mr. Jennifer Garner is not a married man you want to pursue. Trust.

Dear Ted:
Can you shed a little light on the new Taylor Swift song that is supposedly about her relationship with Taylor Lautner? I thought that was a faux-mance. What's the scoop?
—Kitty Carryall

Dear Sorry...for What?:
Actually, Kitty, you've got me. Team Awful was totally confused by this song and her supposed apology to (what we agree sounds like) T.Lautner.

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