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Jersey Shore Knockoff Brighton Beach to Prove Russians Can Be Stereotyped for Profit Too

Jersey Shore Cast MTV/Emily Shur

Great news for fans of the Kremlin and six-pack abs! Lifetime has ordered 12 episodes of a new reality series called Brighton Beach, which will center around a group of Russian-Americans living and partying it up in Coney Island. It's being marketed as the Russian version of Jersey Shore, but something tells us it will be much more than that.

Here are a few examples of how the Russian-centric Brighton Beach will differ from Jersey Shore...

  • Male castmates will be 75 percent sweatier due to Ed Hardy T-shirts made entirely of mink fur
  • House fights will result in death and, consequently, Dolph Lundgren will be sent home
  • The "Smush Room" will be a private place for couples to contemplate the underlying themes of The Brothers Karamazov. Then they'll have unprotected sex
  • Hobbies will include GTL: Gym, Tan, money Laundering
  • Instead of drunkenly dancing alone on the boardwalk, the Russian Snooki will earn a gold medal on the Uneven Parallel Bars, drunkenly alone on the boardwalk
  • "Mrs. Gorbachev, tear off those panties"
  • Unlike J-Woww and Sammi Sweetheart, the Mail Order Brides won't get with just anyone 
  • Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko will be the surprise 5th housemate
  • Less than attractive females, aka "grenades," will be referred to as AK-47s. Actual AK-47s will be referred to whenever someone finishes the Pirozhki without asking

And...

  • Vodka spray tans

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