Neilson Barnard/Getty Images
Neilson Barnard/Getty Images
Dear Hell Hath No Vice:
Besides acting chops so good they should be criminal, nope! The babe is clean as a whistle—well, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but she hasn't earned a spot in the Vice vault just yet. Anne is the type to let all her sexy naughtiness out on the big screen, which I guess is good for us too?
Calm down Twi-hards, about this question. Cover your sensitive ears and eyes if need be. Ted, if Robsten were to break up in the future, would they stay friends? I would think so because this has been such a crazy experience, few know what it's like. Or do you not think so?
Dear Robsten Rebound:
Yes, I honestly think they would remain tight. These two have strong mutual respect for each other, and I don't think it would be broken if they went their separate ways. They've taken a break from their relationship before when they needed to and were still cool. OK, Twi-hards, you can look again!
You haven't talked about Jackie Bouffant in a while. I've always wondered, is he faithful to his beard, or does he go out and sow wild oats?
Dear Stepping Out:
He's as faithful to his beard as any closeted Hollywood stud. He makes sure he's never accused of sneaking around with another lady as to make things appear to be all happy on the home front (which of course benefits them both).
I hope you haven't outted Pepper Harthman, otherwise I'll feel dumb for guessing. However, I am thinking Pepper might be Wayne Rooney, who plays for Manchester United? He's not all that good looking, but the rest fits, and the "other woman" just outted him a couple of weeks ago.
Dear Still Sexting:
Nope, you haven't missed any Pepper revelations—shockingly enough. I definitely thought his not-so-subtle cyber sexting would have come out in a big way by now, but he's managed to keep it relatively under wraps. Looks like someone can handle his affairs (literally) better than Tiger Woods.
When Lizzy Pattinson introduced a song as being cowritten by her brother Rob and the multitalented Nikki Reed, was that a diss to Kristen Stewart—Freudian or otherwise? Or could it have been just an innocent, caught up in the moment, statement of fact? Which would then lead to: How do the Brits define "multitalented?"
Dear Reeding Made Easy:
Uh...she is multitalented, babe. Very, very much so. Not only is she an über-skilled actress but she's a screenwriter and producer too. I think that's what's universally known as multitalented.
Would you ever do a B.V. for a celebrity who was under 18, especially if their Vice was of a sexual nature? Or do they need to be legal to earn a moniker? Not a perv—just trying to figure out the timeline for a particular B.V.
Dear Illegal Tender:
That's especially why I would have to Vice it. Nothing gets lawyers riled up like underage celebs doing the dirty.
After Rob and Kristen's dinner at Ago, you said they left in a cab. How do they keep their super secret new residence private if they are taking a cab home? I'm sure cab drivers don't have to sign confidentiality agreements. Or is the cab just the first in a series of stealth maneuvers to try to lose the paparazzi?
Dear Taxi Cab Confessions:
Never said which place they left for, W, but even if they went to the Robsten love nest, you can rest assured that the cab driver would keep his address-blabbing lips zipped, lest he face Team Robsten. And the cab went straight underground to the ultraprivate Soho House.
I've recently found your site and am loving Blind Vices. Could you tell me if Chad Michael Murray has ever been a B.V. subject? I never forgave him for what he did to Sophia Bush, and I wouldn't be surprised if the story became the subject of one of your columns. Possibly costarring Sophia?
Dear Over the One Tree Hill:
Miss Bush—despite multiple moments where should could be monikered—doesn't have a Vice. If that clears anything up for you.
Now you need to put up a link of the Blind Vice Archives under Ted's Top Topics. Keep them all together. Can you do Judas Jack-off soon? Thanks.
Fine! We've got a different all-star Vicer of the down-low variety coming tomorrow (his name rhymes with Motch Muh-Mastic), but I'll give you Judas maniacs an archive soon enough.
I don't doubt that you know a lot about the happenings in the celeb world, and you're the first person I come to when I hear a rumor. But unless you are secretly Robert Pattinson, you can have no way of knowing what they're relationship is like. So stop guessing.
Dear Guess-Free Zone:
I think I have a pretty damn good idea.
Dear Marley & Brangelina:
First of all, K, that would require Ange and Brad doing something normal like a movie night. Assuming they did, Jen-flicks would probably be the last thing they turned to. And not just because The Switch sucked.
I can't believe that Chelsea Handler is really hooking up with 50cents. What is your take on it, just a fling fueled maybe by too much liquid?
Dear Gay Mafia:
Chels has mucho gay amigos, so let's hope she teaches "50cents" a thing or two about tweeting tolerance. I personally think he's way too much of a douche for our girl Chelsea no matter how much booze she drinks.
Please tell me Maribeth Bush isn't another Twilight castmember. Pinnacle Pictures sounds an awful lot like Summit Films, and we all know how they keep a tight leash on the Twi kids.
Dear Seeking Bush:
Just for you Lis—Maribeth Bush is not another Twilight castmember.