After dancing with a natural gracefulness that fell somewhere south of rigor mortis, after being ripped to shreds by Bruno to such a degree that even bitchy Brit Len stood aghast, after humiliating himself with a routine that involved clutching a dog bone in his mouth while cowering on all fours, serious white man Michael Bolton returns to DWTS. Filling in for an ailing Susan Boyle, the Bolt will display his true gift of song. The Bolt will be triumphant. The Bolt will show them all! 

That's Altoona, folks!

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