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    Bitch-Back! Are Ashley and Joe Getting Frisky?

    Joe Jonas, Ashley Greene ColorBook/Pictorica/NPG.com

    Dear Ted:
    Please tell me you've seen the picture of Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas driving around with a drink called "NeuroGasm." The product says it increases sexual health. Besides getting publicity for the drink, what the heck is this about? That and Joe has been spotted without his purity ring. Why are they so insistent on having the public believe they're doing the naughty? I for one think this is hysterical.
    —Sasha

    Dear Passion Play:
    Since it seems Ash and Joe have no signs of letting up, it's time we officially dub these two with a celeb couple nickname: Gronas (emphasis on the groan). Perfect, right? As for their latest sexed up—but not really—shenanigans, just remember everything about these two is charmingly calculated. And they're loving it just as much as you are.

    Dear Ted:
    Once Breaking Dawn begins filming, what are the chances of getting new installments of my favorite Twi-Vices: Twyla, Terry or Julie?
    —Meg

    Dear Twi-Clinger:
    If these naughty nymphos keep up their sexy and oh-so-secret ways, which I'm sure they will, trust, then the chances are good, babe.

    Dear Ted:
    I am so not intending for this to come off the wrong way, but what the heck happened to well-toned Christina Aguilera? There is such a big change in her appearance, and while everyone is saying how curvier her body has become if she weren't in that dress and in a pair of shorts or jean, it would clearly be evident that she has put on some significant poundage. Clearly she was or someone was trying to play down her shape with her big hair, clown makeup, spray on tan and flowing dress. Is she OK?
    —Adam

    Dear XL-Tina Lover:
    I'm sure the diva appreciates your worry, but she's beautiful no matter what they say. Whatever Xtina's stylist was trying to hide with that dress, poundage or orange spray spots, we're glad it's on the DL, but this blondie always bounces back. Whatever end of the yo-yo diet she's on this month, you can bet that no one can out-sing her. It's only over when the pretty (not fat) lady can't sing.

    Dear Ted:
    I don't really believe all the stars who say they don't keep tabs about what is said about them on the internet. I think they have to say so, it's part of their job to seem as if they're above all that. So many of them seem to put so much effort into having their paparazzi pictures taken and circulated on the blogs and forums that it seems impossible that they wouldn't at least be kind of familiar with the online community. So out of curiosity, what do you think would happen if it was ever discovered that one half of a high-profile celebrity couple had an anonymous internet account (like Twitter for example) used to taunt and stir up s--t among his or her famous partner's fans?
    —X

    Dear Hypo-Typical:
    I know this happens on the regular and under wraps, but I sure hope it hurries up and comes out so we can all have a field day! ‘Til then, tweet away and someone get to hacking so we can write up yet another celebrity marriage gone a dud. 

    Dear Ted:
    Someone beat me to it ,but I also do not see, baby or not, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr lasting. There is no heat whatsoever coming from her. In several shots I've seen of them she doesn't seem into him as much as he is into her. He lights up when he's with her. It seems very one sided. Miranda only married him because of the baby. I can see him or her raising the poor innocent child alone. I don't like her and if she ever breaks Orlando's heart I will punch her supermodel lights out!
    —W

    Dear Orly-Obsessed:
    Do I smell a hint of jealousy? Who knows slash who cares if they do work out? For now they are publicizing it up and making sure we all see them together, happy or not. Her, or his, true colors will come out eventually, and when it does, maybe you'll get your chance? While the Blooms sort it out, resist letting any fists fly; you wouldn't want Victoria coming after you for ruining her secret. Oh, and please don't feel bad for that baking bun. Whatever happens with the parentals, that baby's bound to be a babe.

    Dear Ted:
    Some questions from sunny South Africa: Does Jared Leto have a Blind Vice? I think he is gorgeous even with the punk hairdo. Those blue eyes...wow! Seeing that you are an animal lover, I was wondering whether you guys in America are aware of the fierce battle we in S.A. are fighting to protect our beloved rhinos. To date this year 220 have been killed because of absurd beliefs! Elle Macpherson also made an idiotic comment a while ago about using beauty products containing rhino horn—she would have been tarred and feathered if she happened to be in our country at that time. Won't you show your support by signing up at www.stoprhinopoaching.com? Love your column!
    —Marli

    Dear Horny and Horned:
    Yes, he has a Vice, a small one, but Jared does indeed own his little piece of Vice history. Kisses to all your rhinos from Margo and Charlie. It's not just pooches and kitties that need to be rescued, so kudos to you for taking on a much bigger fish, babe!

    Dear Ted:
    How come nobody has stated the politically incorrect obvious for Gaga's "meat dress"? Forget third-world countries, Americans are dying of hunger every day. Next time you get the urge to wear food, buy the food, then give it to a food bank. You cannot state that you are a political activist, whether pro gay rights, equality for all, or whatever else, and choose to act so irresponsibly. Put your money where your mouth is, Gaga. Pun intended.
    —Rita

    Dear Prime Ribbed:
    You and Stephanie Pratt think a lot alike, Rita. And I don't think you can take Gaga's activist status away for one arguable slip-up. Plus, Lady G's got a whole bunch of beef jerky on her hands now. Who knows what she'll do with it!

    Dear Ted:
    What about the news that Jennifer Garner was acting primo bitch at the breast cancer awareness event? I read she would not talk to any reporters or answer any questions. Any truth to this?
    —Gotta Know

    Dear Shocker:
    Are you just figuring this out now? Jen G. plus the press is either caked-on dimples and pearly whites or total cat claw bitchery ('fraid to say it's usually the latter). Where have you been, doll?

    Dear Ted:
    How awesome was the "Britney/Brittany" Glee program? I'm wondering though, Lea Michele's turn was, to me, the weakest link (along with Artie). Is it contractual that she gets a certain number of solos per episode? Can you tell us where to send her a sandwich? Other gossips are reporting she collapsed on set.
    —XXOO

    Dear Lea Against The Music:
    Hard to say, gleek, 'cause Heather Morris clearly stole the show. Can I just say: damn, her body is insane! And while it's impossible to out-Britney Britney, she came damn close with her "Slave 4 U" moves. As for Ms. Michele, she's obviously the most talented in the cast, hence her solos. No contract deal.

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