Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore

AP Photo/Evan Agostini

Dear Ted:
OMG. I can't take it anymore. Ashton with me. I just watched Killers. UGH. After Spread, I had such high hopes. Who in the world is advising him on his movie roles? Demi Moore? Not wanting him to succeed? Jealous? HELP. Thanks Doll.
–Confused in Columbia

Dear Kutcher-Butcher:
Really, when was this Punkster ever destined for the leading man big-screen biz? Shouldn't have been cast in that direction in the first place. Indeed, Ashton's last few flicks were…unfortunate. I guess whereas women have a hard time aging in this town, so, too, do cute doofuses with overly long bangs? Killers was his cliché last breathe, and now he's on the romantic comedy (and reality) death bed. Aplusk even tweeted that Catfish was a must-see…his taste buds must not come with a movie sense. As for Demi, let's cut the coug some slack. She's got more on her plate than worrying about where Ashton's movie career is going.

Dear Ted:
Two questions for ya today, Ted! I recently saw that Adam Levine commented on hoe (sorry I meant how) our beloved Jakey G and his gay rumors are false blah blah blah. What's your opinion? And I know I've asked you this a lot but is Jonathan Rhys Meyers Toothy Tile or Grey Goose? Hope to hear from you soon!

Dear Levine-Curious:
There's no doubt Levine and Jakey are BFFs, but how does the hunky Maroon 5-er thinks he's helping Jake's case by screaming about his pal's sex life, regardless the reason? I really have no friggin' clue here. This was clearly a bro brain fart. And Jonathan is neither Toothy nor Grey. Not sexy enough!

Dear Ted:
Is Rachel Zoe Cass Stimulatia? She is 'rather small' and currently trying to have a baby...

Dear Grossest Blind Vice Ever Guesser:
Actually, that is a razor-sharp hunch, sugar-puss, but, not quite correct. You're definitely in the right oeuvre of celebrity, for sure. Think a tad less…attractive.

Dear Ted:
What do you think about a Sandra Bullock and Alex O Loughlin pairing…you've been pushing for a Jennifer Aniston and John Stamos hook-up, why not Sandy and Alex?

Dear Biker Buff:
Fabulous! I think Sandy should pair with any hot hunk she prefers for the moment (since her last dude was hardly a hunk), toss them aside like so many men do women, and then decide she doesn't want any of them in the end. Hey, do it soon, Sandy, before your kid knows the difference between "uncle" and, well, "uncle."

Dear Ted:
Has Ashley Greene been a Blind Vice? If so, is it a really recent one or from earlier in her Twilight days?

Dear Twi-Curious:
Yes. And don't think she's very upset about this fact, either.

Dear Ted:
If Twyla Babe-Sucker isn't the beard of Nevis Divine, is she currently bearding for someone else?

Dear Beard Eager:
Twyla is a far pickier beard than people give her credit for. And, we'll leave it at that.

Dear Ted:
I know he may not be considered a big star but I was wondering if Jesse Metcalfe has ever been a Blind Vice? He seems to have fallen off the "hot list." He should've stayed the shirtless gardener. It was working for him.

Dear Desperate Drooler:
Eva Longoria's sexy gardener is plain desperate for attention, and minus the housewife. As for the Blind Vice, just like you said, no one cares as long as his shirt's off.  Talk about man boobs. Think he insures those babies?

Dear Ted:
I watched you on a U.K. program once. I was expecting you to be bitchy and judgmental, but actually you were rather kind. Kindness goes a long way with me. But it makes me wonder if your personal perception of a celeb colours your decision on what to post about them. Would you cut someone a bit of slack if you had a soft spot for them, or maybe not post about them at all? Conversely, if you had some juice on someone you regard as a bit of a tosser, would you go for it with a bit more gusto than usual? Thanks!

Dear Overseas Observer:
I love fishin' for compliments over the Atlantic, but not so much with the celebs. I'm not an H-Wood BFF, just spreading the juice with equal mucho gusto. And thanks!

Dear Ted:
This is mostly a reply to "Gossip Girl XOXO" asking about Lourdes and Miley's clothing. Why does no one care about Lourdes? Well, maybe because her mother is Madonna. There is nothing she could do to out-tramp Madonna, short of walking around completely naked (Not that I think Madonna is trampy…But she did wear and do some awfully sexy stuff back in the day). Whereas Miley comes from a conservative Christian, country music, heart of the south family. Of COURSE she will cause more drama with her clothing.

Dear Tramping-It-Too-Far:
I think the queen of pop has got Lourdes on lock. No need for you to fret. But, Miley hasn't quite tipped the skank-o-meter just yet. Britney was a good Christian girl from the South, wasn't she? Let's not judge a pop star by her skanky duds too soon.

Dear Ted:
I'm still crushin' hard on Miss Katy Perry. You have to just absolutely adore that woman! The whole Sesame Street thing was ridiculous. God forbid children learn that women can have boobs and sing a song at the same time! Good for her that she can laugh about it after the fact on SNL. What's your opinion Ted on Sesame Street's decision to pull her clip from the show?

Dear Sesame Smasher:
Katy is the sweetest California girl in our book. It's a good thing the Simpsons appreciate a nice pair of D's like the rest of us.

Dear Ted:
Would you say Cass Stimulatia is known for her acting or is she in the music business?

Dear Blind Bat:
God no and not exactly.

Dear Ted:
I don't what it is, but something tells me Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom aren't going to last long? What's your opinion?

Dear Hugs and Disses:
I get a woof of your sneaky premonition. But, hey the lingerie model was spotted smooching her hubby just earlier this month on set of his new film in Germany. That's a little more than a trek for your everyday publicity stunt—or maybe not if you think about how far Bosworth has jetted for Skarsgard. But, remember, the Vicky Secret Angel's got a blooming bun in the oven, so it seems these three musketeers are in it for as long as they can haul it, but that's not saying a lot, is it? Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are still together, aren't they?

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